The Heart of the Tardis by Munderoon and Melody Noble
by Melody Noble
Summary: The Tardis is more than a time machine. It not only travels through time and space. It is more. It is alive. First rule: The Doctor lies. This lie is about the heart of the Tardis, which is the heart of a young girl. "The Agony Rests, Dear Izzy Saunders" - TARDIS. Journey through Doctor Who as you know it, and uncover Izzy's story as she desperately tries to escape her blue prison.
1. Prologue

**Please Note: This fanfiction is written by two authors. Though we have both worked together on the content of most of these chapters, we vary on which one of us writes it. Also, for all Classic Who fans, anything referring to the Time War in this fic is slightly AU. It is presuming that the Time War happened before the very first episode of Doctor Who - while the Doctor was still in his first life - so because of this, he has always been the last of the Time Lords, and Izzy has always been the only one with him. This is important for their relationship later on in the story. But everything else in this fic is mostly factually correct with the series, though some of the chapters we'll be focusing on may be slightly more AU than others. We have loads of big surprises coming up and we hope you'll enjoy our story, review and stick around for the updates :)  
**

The TARDIS is more than a time machine. It not only travels through time and space. It is more. It is alive.

First rule: The Doctor lies. And this one's about the heart of the TARDIS, the heart of a young girl.

"The Agony Rests, Dear Izzy Saunders."

Prologue:

_Earth. Great Britain. England. London. 1963. July. Friday afternoon._

_"You named it?"_

_"Yeah. Why not?"_

_"Well, it is…" Mia obviously did not find the right words for my weirdness so I gave her a hand._

_"Strange", I said and could not hide my satisfied grin. I loved my car, thus it had a name. In my opinion that was not strange. It was love._

_Mia watched me and I could almost feel her doubt physically. Maybe she was about to call the school psychologist or something._

_My grin got even bigger and I pushed to the door open, suddenly blinking in the bright sunlight of the Friday afternoon. Oh, life was beautiful!_

_"Movie night is still on?" Mia asked, while she rummaged in her backpack. She was probably searching for a book, since the bus ride home took quite a while._

_"Yeah", I said, putting my sunglasses on, scribbling a new advantage on my mental "Pro-Car-List": no bus rides. Check! "I'm gonna pick you up at 7.30. That okay?"_

_My best friend, clutching a huge book to her chest, watched me sceptically._

_"You know… just try to avoid getting pregnant."_

_I laughed. "Sorry, M. But it's a 'she'."_

_"Right. Your car is a 'she' and my best friend has been stolen by aliens, replaced by a guy with breasts." She sighed._

_"You", I grinned, pointing my finger at her, "are just jealous."_

_Mia gave me a death glare then started to laugh. "Yes, I am." When her bus arrived at the school parking lot, she waved goodbye. "Don't forget me tomorrow, alien-boy!"_

_"I'll try!"_

_With a smile and a song on my lips, I dodged around the few other students on the lot. Almost no one had lessons on a Friday afternoon, so when I got to the spot where Kristie parked, I was alone with my shiny new car._

_I took a few moments to admire the black Pontiac and, in that moment, I was completely happy._

_That was when I heard the strange sound._

_First, I thought it came from the other parking lot, right on the other side of the school. But it sounded different, a mixture between a small airplane, about to land and… well, if machines could get a cold, I imagined this would be the sound of their cough._

_It took me another moment to realize that the noise did not come from the parking lot next to me … but from right above me!_

_A blue box staggered from the sky, trundled like a drunken bird. I didn't have the time to scream. I didn't even have the time to ask myself what this weird thing was._

_Because one second later the blue box crashed right into my car._

_Metal screeched, glass broke and I covered my face with my arms, mostly to shield it, but also because I wasn't able to watch Kristie die._

_The impact sounded like hell breaking loose, but it ended as fast as it started._

_First, I couldn't believe it. Behind closed eyes, I could tell myself this was just a bad dream. A very bad dream with deathly consequences for the car and for me._

_But the second the door of this weird "Police Box" opened, my disbelief and deny transformed into raw fury. An alien destroyed my birthday present!_

_I didn't give the man, practically falling out of the box, the chance to even orientate. I walked up to him, grabbed him and pulled him up, until we were face to face._

_He was breathing heavily, sweating like he just got out of a sauna and bruised all over his body, but I was not in the mood for first aid. I was in the mood of making it worse._

_"You got to be kidding me! Where the hell did you come from?"_

_The man tried to gulp some air, made a gesture towards his throat, but I didn't intend to loosen my grip._

_Instead of releasing him, I looked back at my car, shredded and literally dead._

_"You won't talk?" I growled. "Fine."_

_Two steps and I stood right in front of the blue box, compressing the rest of my car to the ground."This is for Kristie, you dopy thing!"_

_The man cried out "Noo! No, no, no, no! Stop it!" Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him waving his arms like a mad man. "She's still … sizzling. Don't…"_

_I kicked the blue box with all I've got._

_And the pain started a second later._

_"… touch it", finished the man and he looked utterly exhausted, his shoulders falling down as if they were too heavy to carry._

_I couldn't move._

_The pain felt like pure acid climbed up my leg and spread all over my body. At first, I thought I broke my leg as a result of kicking the box, but this was something different. Something worse._

_I started to scream. I screamed so loud, my ears felt like they would burst. And then I sort of… _vanished.

_Much later, I could hear a voice. I couldn't see. I wasn't even sure I was still breathing, but his voice was loud and clear. Gentle and still sorry. It was the man, who climbed out of the TARDIS._

_TARDIS. That's what he calls me. He says, that he's a Timelord and that he travels to different times, spaces and planets. He's the last of his kind and he is sorry, but I can never return to my normal life. Because the time vortex absorbed me, needed something to feed on._

_Because the Blue Box needed a heart, a mind and a soul._

_I am her._

_"The Agony Rests, Dear Izzy Saunders", says the Doctor and I can feel his light touch._

_I am the TARDIS._

_And after almost 900 years, I finally found a way._

_"Rose Tyler", I whisper to myself._

_I'm about to break _free_._


	2. Chapter 1: The Beginning

"Take me back."

"I can't. That would kill the ship."

"I don't care."

The Doctor sighs. We are still on the parking lot of my school, because I'm not able to fly yet.

I feel like throwing up, but I'm not even capable of puking anymore. Because I am a box. A big blue box and a mad man, calling himself the Doctor.

"Cure me", I beg and I don't care that I sound like a whiny little girl. In here, I _am _a whiny little girl. "If you call yourself a Doctor, you can surely cure me, right?"

I still can't see him. I can't feel him. I just hear him sigh again.

"I'm not a real Doctor."

"Then why are you calling yourself _Doctor_?!" I scream the word and feel the walls shaking.

This is too much. All of this and nothing. I feel exposed, naked. But how can I feel like that, when I can't see me or my body?

"You need to calm down, Izzy!"

"I will _not _calm down. I can't see, I can't feel. I'm not even sure I will ever be able to calm down again."

The Doctor stays silent for several seconds. When he speaks again, he sounds completely surprised. "What do you mean, you can't see?"

"What do you think I mean?" The sarcasm is born out of my fear.

It is quiet again for several more moments. He hesitates and I'm afraid because he obviously is the alien to this spaceship.

_Oh god. I am his spaceship now. _

"Izzy, open your eyes." His voice is soft.

"Funny, I would if-"

"Did you try it?"

Now it's my turn to hesitate. Of course I did try it. Right?

"I know you can open your eyes, Izzy", the Doctor whispers and suddenly I feel him. Not only his presence, but his _touch._

It is light and guiding. It promises safety.

"But I don't know how", I admit, whispering too.

"I can help you", he says, "If you want my help."

I am still furious about what he did, but I had to admit that I wouldn't be able to avenge my poor Kristie if I am not able to see anything. _I'm gonna give him hell, sweetheart, I promise._

"Help me", I say.

Again, the Doctor seems to be surprised, but he switches to helping-gear in less than 0.5 seconds.

"Alright, Izzy. Focus on my voice and try to imagine _exactly _what I'm telling you." It sounds like he's walking around a room. "You'll need your eyes, nothing else. So concentrate on your eyes. How they are shaped, how they look like. Which colour they have."

"Had", I correct him. "I don't have eyes anymore."

"You do. You just have to find them again. Absorbing the Time Vortex can be..." I imagine him, looking for the right word. Avoiding all the discouraging ones. "... body-parts-mingly."

That doesn't sound discouraging _at all. _

"Do you imagine your eyes now?"

I don't want to, but he is still my only chance. So I start to focus on the shape and the colour of my eyes. "What's next?"

"Imagine your eyes open up. First, the lashes start to tremble just a little bit, almost unnoticeable. Then the lids flutter, like the wings of a butterfly. It is hard, but your will commands your eyes to open." His voice faints into the background, although he is still talking to me.

But I'm completely concentrated on the image of my own eyes, starting to tremble, almost unnoticeable, fluttering, like the wings of a butterfly and then-

With a gasp, I open my eyes.

I can see the Doctor, standing in a big room with wires and little lamps, blinking in hundreds and hundreds of different colours. It looks different from anything I have ever seen. Alien.

The Doctor smiles, placing his hands on his hips. "I knew you could do it." He looks happy.

The picture overwhelms me and for a long time, I am not able to say a single word. It's like I'm floating above all this foreign stuff, breathing heavily in a mixture of excitement and pure horror.

"What do you think", asks the Doctor and his gaze is dreamily, his smile is enchanted. "Aren't you absolutely beautiful?"

I look at the little lamps, blinking in the rhythm of my heart beat. I look at the weird little machine in the middle of the big room, rising as I breathe in, falling as I breathe out.

I am the box.

The box is me.

_How?_

I can't control the 'floating in the'-thing yet, as much as I still can't get away from the parking lot.

But the Doctor doesn't seem to worry; he opened the door of the blue box a little while ago and is now staring at the dark school.

He hasn't said a word for what feels like hours and although I'm still furious about what he did, I can't stand the sound of my thoughts anymore.

Somehow I manage to float closer to him, until I _exist _right beside him.

"What happened?"

The mad man does not turn, but his face closes up. He looks as hard and cold as stone.

"A war", is his only answer.

I know about wars. The last one, that tore the world apart, was just barely 20 years ago. I grew up with destroyed houses and traumatized people and, although I wasn't there, I can still feel the horrors, the sadness and the fear.

And I hate that it makes me feel not only for those people but for the Doctor as well.

"But you're not from... from earth, right?"

He nods and before I can ask another question, he sighs heavily.

"Since we're stuck together, I guess you have every right to know my past." The look on his face is both friendly and unhappy.

The Doctor closes the door and after searching the room, as if he's not used to his spaceship, he finds a spot to sit down and tell a story.

I'm focused on him so I start to float again but, as if the Doctor is my anchor, I never get far away from him. While he talks he looks like he's at a funeral. And I soon realise why.

"I come from a planet, far, far away from here. It's called Gallifrey, the planet of the Time Lords. That's what I am: a Time Lord."

I think about the name of his kind. "So you rule the time?"

He laughs. "I guess you can say so, yes. We can control the Time Vortex to travel through time and space."

"Time Vortex." I shiver, although I do not exactly have a body that could manage to shiver. "The thing that ate me?"

The Doctor looks as exhausted as he did when I vanished into the blue box.

"I didn't want that, believe me. I didn't know it wasn't finished yet, otherwise I would have never stolen it."

"Stolen?" I feel like I'm asking questions at every second word he says. "Could you please explain all this?"

"I was trying to, but…" He stops himself but I know he wanted to say something insulting. I put this aspect into the part of me that is still silently boiling with fury. And hate.

He takes a moment to arrange his clothes but I know he's trying to arrange his words.

Finally, he starts again, looking at the thing in the middle of the room that resembles my breathing rhythm.

"We were a whole nation of Time Lords. Controlling the Time Vortex, we build spaceships that could travel through time and space. But they are not machines – they are living beings. Just like us." He smiles as if that is still a good memory. "I've always wanted to have my own, but I wasn't old enough yet. I was only allowed to watch how they build them. It was fascinating, brilliant." His smile grew wider.

But I could feel a shadow, climbing up in his eyes, reaching his face. I wasn't sure if I wanted to hear his next words.

"Then the Time War came", he says and every spark of joy is gone. "The Daleks – our biggest enemies – came to destroy our planet."

There was much more to this story. About the ongoing battle between Time Lords and Daleks but I could sense he would give me the short cut. And I was glad about that.

"We were confident about winning. We've always won. But this time..." The Doctor shakes his head, clearly caught in the past. "It happened so fast. Everyone screamed, families were separated in the storm of panic and the Elders shouted orders. Fire, so much fire."

He closes his eyes and buries his face in his hands. I see him trembling, but I can't do anything, except floating around him like a ghost with mixed feelings.

The Doctor straightens so fast, that I squeak and almost hit one of the walls. His gaze is empty as he continues.

"I was stumbling across a field of half finished travelling devices, trying to find a way to end the chaos and the killing. I had lost my family hours ago and no one really knew anything, except that we're all about to die." He looks up, directly into my eyes, as if he could see me. He's not feeling everything and I'm afraid of him for the first time. Terrified. "I killed them. I've killed all of them. Daleks and Time Lords alike. I found a ship that was finished, ready to go and I knew I had to do it." He blinks. Once, twice. "I stole it. I stole it and ran off, destroying my planet, my people, leaving them all behind. I had to do it, it was the only way. I killed them to save the universe." Tears blur his vision and if I could still cry, I would. "Just when the whole planet tore apart and the screams of the dying people ripped everything apart, the system of the ship started to fail. I was wrong. The ship wasn't ready, because the Time Vortex was still raw and unconditioned inside. And then we crashed, tumbling through time and space, while the Vortex roared like a furious animal. And then..." He looks up again and I know what comes next. "We hit this planet. And your car."

I remember him, saying the blue box was still "sizzling", right before I kicked it and got eaten by the Time Vortex. But now that I know his story, I just don't find the right to cry over my fate. At least, not now.

"So, you are all alone?" My voice sounds like it would crack in half.

The Doctor stands up; his face is in the shadows. "I am the last of the Time Lords and you are the last of the Time Lords spaceships, as long as the universe is willing to keep us alive."

_No turning back. _

I have to move. _We _have to move.

Although it is Saturday morning, there are activities at my school and the chances of somebody spotting us will be very likely and very soon.

"You have to fly", the Doctor says, leaning on the main console. He gave me a quick sightseeing tour through the blue box, which is not only this room, but millions and millions of other rooms. But I haven't even seen everything yet.

I don't want to see it, to be honest. I can feel each and every room, every tiny little flake of dust and I don't want it. None of it.

I just haven't found a way to escape yet.

"Izzy, focus. We need to get out of here."

"Right then", I growl. "Show me how."

The Doctor seems to be determined and so am I. If I can learn to use my skills, I can use them to find a way out of this nightmare.


	3. Chapter 2: Rose

"Izzy?"

I blink, slowly coming back to the present. "Yes. Are you done with the bomb?"

The Doctor watches me closely, his new face looks way different than the last ones and I'm still getting used to it. He even has a different accent now. "What were you thinking?"

I shrug, sitting cross legged on one of the parts that stabilize the roof of the phone box. "Ah, you know. The good old days." I have to smile. "1963."

The moment he sees my smile, the Doctor relaxes again and bows his head over the bomb in his hands. I'm not sure that'll work with the monster we're facing today, but well...

"You mean the day you grilled my sonic memory manipulator and my sonic appearance changer?" He tries to look like he's in pain, but I know that he has the same opinion about the sonic devices now as I have.

"You criticised my landing skills!" I blink and stand right beside him. Since 1963, many things have changed, but although I'm better with changing places now, I'm still not able to be seen by other people or to step out of my blue prison. Every time the Doctor leaves, he leaves me behind. "It was my first flight, plus you manipulated my teachers with your sonic screwing devices. They came looking for me and you just made them into dolls."

He looks at me and smiles painfully. "I learned my lesson, when I had to stick with that old face and a grandchild I never really had."

I had to laugh. "Better you be nice this time."

"I'm not out to find a companion, Izzy." He turns the bomb in his hands quizzically.

I put my finger on an unconnected wire at the bottom to show him. "You always say that and still you're coming back with another human every time." He sonics the wire with his new screwdriver and I'm watching his new device closely. "Just make sure this one doesn't faint like the last two aliens you brought in here."

The Doctor grins, holding the screwdriver out of my reach. Although it is different than his manipulator, I'm still not a fan of the idea that he sonics his way through the universe just like that. "The human will not. That's one reason why it is so much fun to travel with them. Every time you think their human brains are just one step away from bursting, they just start to believe and take life out of space for granted. And they are so curious." He walks down the aisle to the blue door. "Humans have so much potential."

I zap myself onto the railing, right next to the door and look at the guard to my prison closely. We've travelled for so long now that my hate and my fury fainted like a damsel in distress. But those moments he speaks of the people I belonged to years ago, my heart pounds painfully in my holographic chest. Because it seems like he has forgotten that I was one of them once.

_As long the universe is willing to keep us alive._

The Doctor watches me with a big smile. He's about to go on another adventure and he doesn't know how I feel. That I look into those changing eyes and have to admit that I'm still fighting every second of my existence. I don't want to be the blue box, travelling wherever he wants to go. I want to be human again.

"Keep it quiet", I tell him, the machine part of the time machine saving my voice from cracking with all the feelings. "And don't get killed, I'm still getting used to this face."

Still grinning, he flaps his ears. "Can't wait to see what it looks like!" And then he's out of the door, running into the very heart of London.

Although I feel alone – like every time the Doctor leaves me – I have a task now. I am the Tardis and without me, the Doctor can't go anywhere. That's one of the things I learned since I accidently became the heart of the Tardis.

Tardis. Yes. That is my name. My _new _name, to be precise. The Doctor used to call me Izzy, and still does, when we're alone, but since he met Susan Foreman on that fateful day in 1963 and manipulated her memory so she thought she was his granddaughter, he needed another name. Because the Doctor has one golden rule: he would never ever tell a single soul about the girl in the heart of his spaceship.

"I am not your Tardis", I growled back in 1963, trying to focus on my projection. In the beginning, I tried to practice it a lot, but since I was just able to be visible when the Doctor was around, I didn't make any visible progress in that one week. This didn't keep me from going on with it. "Tardis is a stupid name for a machine. Besides, I am not a machine, certainly not _yours._ I am a human." I tried to get a hold on the main console, but my projection hands just wiped through it and I started to float back to the roof. Frustrating.

The Doctor looked annoyed, but I didn't pay attention to his grumpy old face – he wasn't able to change back into his real appearance because I destroyed his sonic changer and he was really mad at me still. But I didn't want to discuss it. Not the sonic changer destruction, nor him calling me a stupid name.

With a smile, I remember my rebellious phase right at the start of our long journey. I didn't want to fly him to the planets he wanted to go to. I didn't want to talk to him. And I didn't want to like him. I just wanted to be free again.

"Tardis is a perfect name," he replied energetically. "No one will ever know that you're here, because I can tell them that - "

"How can you even say that?!", I screamed, completely furious now.

The Doctor winced and turned to the closed door, but Susan was still out there. His glimpse returned to me, even more annoyed now. "Could you please shush it?"

My anger literally took me of the ground and I felt myself zapping in and out in various places. "What? Are you afraid they could hear me?" Finally, I managed to concentrate some of my anger on the projection and appeared right beside the Doctor. He jumped again. "Don't worry about that. I can assure you: they can't hear me. Do you want to know why I am so sure about that?" I felt tears glistening in my eyes, but I wouldn't give my prisoner the satisfaction of seeing my cry. "Because I begged them to save me. I screamed it right into their ears. Over and over and over again." Suddenly, all the anger and the determination rushed out of my body, as if someone stabbed a hole into my shell. "And they didn't hear me. They don't even know I am here." Although I wasn't more than a fainting, flickering image of myself, I was still capable of feeling. And I felt desperation, so deep it was about to drown me. "I won't let you give me the name of a machine, because I have a name. A human name that'll be remembered. _I _will be remembered as a human and nothing else."

As I fainted back into the main console, burying my head in my hands, I heard him talking. Soft, as if he would try to convince a frightened child to come out of its hiding place, because the Doctor was here and everything would be okay.

"I won't ever forget you're a human, Izzy. Never. How could I just forget? A young girl, so full of energy and courage, so strong, so full of emotions." I could feel his hands, lying on the main console, as if he would touch me and I squeezed my eyes shut, not wanting to hear his words, but desperately clinging onto them. "Strong enough to survive the Time Vortex. To _control _it. You are human being, probably the most finest of them all. And now you are _my_ Tardis. Off with me to discover the universe and everything beyond." I could sense the little smile in him. I could feel it and looked up, seeing him with the eyes of the Tardis. Seeing him, standing there. A lonely god, full of grief, but still with a little smile twitching his lips. His rough voice, a promise. "The agony rests, dear Izzy Saunders."

After that, he left the Tardis, his words still hanging in the air.

I didn't know what he meant back then, because I didn't feel like the agony was ever going to rest again, but throughout the years we travelled together, I realised it was not only a sentence to calm me. It was a promise. And my name.

He might have told other people that Tardis meant _Time And Relative Dimension In Space _but we both knew that those words were just a lie to camouflage our secret. _The Agony Rests, Dear Izzy Saunders._

Now this little name I refused so long means the world to me, because the Doctor would never leave me. He would protect me with his life and as long as I was by his side, travelling the universe and everything beyond, nothing would ever harm me. Because the moment I became the Tardis, he swore an oath to himself, protecting the one thing he would never loose. Me.

I watched him losing companions, time after time. Saw them stepping out of the Tardis for the last time, leaving the Doctor behind. I was with him, every time he died and regenerated, losing himself and becoming someone new at the same time. But although everything changed, we never did. We always been the same and we probably would be forever.

_As long as the universe is willing to keep us alive. _

My lips curve into a smile remembering all these years we've travelled together. Me, upsetting him by taking him to the places I wanted to go, refusing to travel without a noise. Him, watching me practicing, becoming an almost independent projection, able to stay visible for him and for me, even when he was not around.

He never said it, but I saw the pride in his eyes when he first entered the Tardis and I was there, sitting on the main console, greeting him with a big smile, visible without his help.

Sometimes, just like I do now, I keep up the projection just to comfort myself with the image of my hands, working on the wires deep in the system of the Tardis, which changed it appearance last time the Doctor regenerated. Because somewhere on my journey, I lost my hate for the Doctor and I accepted my faith. Not entirely. I was still looking for a possibility to escape my blue prison, but somehow... I felt alive here, too. I felt loved and I ... I loved too.

Blushing, I brush of these thoughts, because they were not only completely new to me, but also inacceptable. The Doctor and I would never...

The door opens and I can feel him. The Doctor. He's back.

I blush even more, when he calls out "Izzy!" as if he could sense my thoughts. "Izzy, where are you?"

I give myself another few seconds to calm down, before I blink and stand right next to the Doctor. "What is it? I was just working on the dimens - "

The Doctor twirls around, facing me. His eyes are glimmering; his smile is huge and impossible to hide. He wants to grab my shoulders, but his fingers brush through my holographic arms and I shiver. Somehow, it is intimate, but weird at the same time. "Doctor, what - "

"Can't you hear her?," he asks whispering. Throughout all these years, not a single companion was able to hear me, but he is still afraid that someone might be able to one day. "She's just about to - "

Interrupting him now, instead of me, the door of the Tardis flies open a second time.

We both turn around to look at the blonde girl, standing in the doorway. Her clothes tell me that we're at the very beginning of the 21st century and her frozen muscles tell me that she didn't expect this at all. Well, nobody does until they see it with their own eyes.

Her expression reflects fear and then...

The girl spins around and runs out the door, before I can even blink.

"What... what was that?," I ask the Doctor, startled and irritated. I'm used to new companions, always babbling about how the Tardis is bigger on the inside. But I never saw a maybe-soon-to-be-companion react like this.

The Doctor grins down at me; his momentary appearance is much higher than mine. "Her name is Rose Tyler."

I look back up at him. "And...?"

He just grins without answering my question and just goes back to the main console, a weird looking ... _head _in his hands.

Still confused I zap myself right beside the door. "Is she going to ret - "

The door opens a third time, almost slapping into my flickering face.

"He's gonna follow us!"

She stops, right at the end of the aisle, her muscles freezing again, like she's not able to enter the console room. As if that would mean that this is real.

I stare at her, mesmerized by something I can't name yet, while the Doctor assures her that not even Genghis Khan managed to get past that door. I remember the occasion, but I can't focus on that now. All I see is this girl.

_Rose Tyler._

We stare at each other, although she's not aware that I am staring at her, as well as she's not aware that she's staring at me. The Tardis.

Time seems to stand still and when I am finally able to look away from her, the Doctor catches my gaze. He can see my questions, my irritation. I am confused, but years and years of travelling taught me to trust my feelings, my instinct.

The Doctor nods at me, before he's talking to the shocked girl again. She's still staring, her tiny, ordinary human mind trying to understand what seems to be impossible.

No, not an ordinary human mind.

I can feel my heart, beating against my holographic rib cage.

Not an ordinary, tiny human mind, but something so much more powerful. Something so strong, it could swallow the whole of the Vortex at once, becoming the new...

_... the new heart of the Tardis. _

"Rose Tyler." My voice trembles with hope. Hope I almost gave up keeping. "Rose Tyler."

And after almost 900 years in space and time, I am about to break _free._


	4. Chapter 3: Izzy's Rose

In all these years of time and space, I should have learned that nothing is ever as easy as it seems. But on the other hand: what on earth and every other planet in this universe could have prepared me for THIS? A girl, so mighty and powerful and yet so unaware of it. Rose Tyler, a friend of the Tardis and a master of the Time Vortex, before she even knows what those terms could possibly mean. I said that I had almost given up every possible hope of ever escaping my fate, my blue prison, and that was the truth. The moment I discover Rose Tyler's power is the moment I discover, in all these years of time and space, all these years of wanting to escape, I had missed one thing: making a plan.

I know the Doctor wants to use the strange looking head that he's attached to the main body of my box to trace his way to the cause of this living plastic, and I also know that I should be aiding him in this, locating the signal still living in the head and transferring it to co-ordinates where I can land. But I can't take my eyes off Rose Tyler.

I watch her as she stares around the Tardis, taking in the different sizing and the cylinder in the centre which, unbeknown to her, rises as I breathe in and falls as I breathe out.

"It's alien," I hear her say, and I smile because she's not asking a question, she's stating a fact, almost like she's used to being rescued inside alien spaceships while a living plastic man attacks her from the outside.

"Yeah"

"Are you alien?"

"Yes, is that alright?"

"Yeah." Again, I find myself smiling.

_Oh Rose Tyler, you have no idea how special you are._

"It's called the Tardis, this thing," says the Doctor cheerfully. If anyone looked closely at the centre cylinder, they would notice how it stopped moving halfway up the tube as I hold my breath. I know what the Doctor will say, in fact, I've heard him say it to every companion who has ever travelled with us, but it never gets easier. It makes me feel like he's forgotten my existence.

"T-A-R-D-I-S," he spells out for Rose. He has no idea that, in her mind, spelling is not necessary. "That's 'Time And Relative Dimension In Space'." His eyes turn to meet mine and he smiles at me, always the same smile, always happy and sad, and my cylinder resumes its motion as I relax.

Then I watch Rose burst into tears.

_So human. So very human. And with so much potential._

While the Doctor is calming Rose down as she babbles about someone called Mickey, I am thinking of humanity and my home. I am thinking of freedom and normality. A whole new life waiting for me in the mind of a girl who has no idea how special she is. My emotions are raw and hot, and desire to escape burns through my holographic veins in replace of the blood that should have been there, spreading throughout me until I shiver happily with anticipation.

" – you're just going to let him melt?" I jump as the last few words of Rose's sentences wake me from my daydreams.

"Melt?", questions the Doctor, and as I look over to the centre console, I notice that I have indeed, due to my lack of concentration and my fiery emotions, managed to melt the head, the Doctor's only chance to track down the source of the living plastic. Sometimes I forget that my projection is not separate from the box, even though I like to believe that it is. I rush over to the head with the intention of fixing the situation, but the Doctor runs towards it instead.

"Oh, no, no, no, no, no!' he screams at me as he reaches the console before me. Knowing that I've let him down, I slowly sink back into the centre of the box, watching from afar as the Doctor manages to trace the last remaining signal to London. With his guiding hands on the control, he instructs me to take the Tardis there and, where I would have usually messed up on purpose, I take him directly where he asked, knowing I can't anger him any more than I already have done. As I land, the Doctor and Rose rush out of the Tardis, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

_Rose Tyler._

That name consumes all other thoughts in my head until she is all I can think about. That name opens up a whole new world of possibilities. With a mind like hers, so powerful and indestructible, she could absorb the Time Vortex and take my place inside this prison, allowing me to take her body, _her human body,_ and, for the first time in 900 years, walk out of this prison and experience the outside world.

_And not from the eyes of a blue spaceship._

I close my eyes. I can almost feel the wind rushing through my hair, washing away all my problems and worries until my mind is free. The smells of the outside world are almost palpable, newly cut grass, the sweet scent of freshly blooming flowers, the fresh smell after a downpour of rain in the middle of autumn. I imagine myself standing on my favourite beach, my feet sinking into the pleasantly warm, soft grains of sand that spill over my toes and make my feet tickle. I can hear the ocean as it crashes against itself in the distance, making waves which eventually crawl up the beach, before sinking back into the depths of the water where it came from. I can almost taste the saltiness of the sea air.

_I feel alive._

Slowly, I open my eyes again, and I feel my heart drop into my chest, like a stone sinking into the imaginary ocean I had been visiting in my daydreams. I have to find a way to switch places with Rose. There is nothing I have been more certain of. I have spent so long travelling with the Doctor, watching, waiting for the moment where he will come running in through my doors with a smile on his face and proudly announce that he knows how to free me. 900 years of hoping. Hoping and waiting that, this time, the Doctor will have a plan. But I've been waiting too long. I've paid my sentence in this prison and my release date is overdue. If the Doctor can't help me, then I have to help myself. And I _will _find a way.

And so I curl up, deep within the heart of the tardis, and dream.

I don't know how long I sit there, dreaming in the world of humans, but the next time I open my eyes, I can see the Doctor standing in the doorway. I can hear him talking to Rose and, even though it hurts me to stand so close, yet so far away, from the real world, I project myself next to him so I can see what's happening.

"Right then, I'll be off, unless, er, I don't know, you could come with me. This box isn't just a London hopper, you know. It goes anywhere in the universe free of charge," the Doctor says, and when I look out into the darkness of the courtyard outside and see that he's talking to Rose, I feel my heart start to speed up as the adrenaline, or holographic substitute, takes control of my body. I watch her carefully, and every part of me wants to shout at her to say yes. But she will never hear me, and the Doctor would get suspicious if I did. So I remain silent, willing her to take this opportunity the Doctor is presenting her with.

I hold my breath, in anticipation of her answer.

"Is it always this dangerous?" she asks curiously.

_Say no! Say no! _I think, screaming it with my mind in the hope that the Doctor's link with me will allow him to pick up on my thoughts. It _is _dangerous, I know that more than anyone, but she doesn't need to know that – yet.

"Yeah," the Doctor replies, and I groan inwardly. I watch a small flicker of panic materialise in her eyes, before it suddenly vanishes, and she addresses the Doctor calmly.

"Yeah, I can't. I've er, I've got to go and find my mum, and someone's got to look after this stupid lump, so." I can feel all the hope leaving my body, all the excitement and anticipation decimating until all that remains is the tiny element of hope that has always lived in my heart and will never leave me. I turn away from the door and walk back towards the centre of the console, hoping that the Doctor will do something to make her see that she has to come with us. I saw the way he looked at her before, the wonder and excitement that made his eyes twinkle, just like those of a little boy on the morning of Christmas. He won't just walk away from her without a fight, and I keep telling myself that fiercely in my head.

"Okay. See you around."

And with those two sentences, he crushes the tiny little bit of hope in my heart that I thought no one could ever destroy.

He walks over to the console, directing the Tardis to a whole different planet, a whole galaxy away from Earth. A whole galaxy from Rose. I find myself wondering how something so small in comparison to the rest of time and space can be so special, so important, but I have to push thoughts of Rose away from me now.

"Izzy?", he asks me gently. "Are you even listening to me?"

I wasn't, and I don't want to. I don't even want to look at him. He let her walk away, just like that.

"Izzy, please. I only just met her, and now I've lost her. She saved my life, she saved the whole of the human race, but she just…" His voice trails off and I sense his deep thoughts. "….left," he concludes.

She saved him? I turn to look at the Doctor, and the intense sadness is written all over his face.

"She saved you?," I ask him, materialising directly in front of him, making him jump backwards in surprise.

"Gosh Izzy!" he exclaims, and despite my current mood, I have to smile a little. "She just swung across the Nestene Consciousness, knocking one of the autons into it, spilling the anti-plastic right over that ugly gloop!" He smiles at the memory, and with it, the hope in my heart that he previously crushed starts to re-kindle. He cares about her, he really does.

"You never told her it could travel through time," I tell him softly, willing him to believe that I'm doing this for him and not for me.

"What?" he looks at me directly. "What do you mean?"

"I just thought – if she knew it could travel in time – maybe she would change her mind?" My heart starts to speed up again, sensing the anticipation beginning to build inside me.

"Izzy you are a genius!" he cries out and runs around the console to the correct levers and buttons. Then he stops mid-journey, and turns back to face me, looking around the cylinder that mimics my breathing. "But I'm too late. She'll have left the courtyard by now."

I can feel the adrenaline bubbling up inside me, knowing that I succeeded in making the Doctor realise that he has to go back for Rose. I laugh, hardly daring to believe that I made him focus so much on this human girl that he forgot I can travel through time.

He watches me, confused, as I laugh on the other side of the console. Then I watch his eyes light up as he realises his mistake and he starts to laugh too.

"Oh Izzy, this is why I always need you by my side. What would I do without you, this silly old man just stumbling through time and space, eh?'

I stop laughing abruptly. And I realise, even if he doesn't realise it himself, that he never fought for Rose's companionship in the Tardis because he cares about her _too _much. He can't let something happen to her that might mean that she is stuck in my position. That's why he told her there was danger involved in our travels. I look at the Doctor carefully, and I know that I really am on my own in my fight for freedom.

"Just get back to London, ok?" I order him and I sink back into the console.

I can see he's confused, but he continues guiding me back to the same spot we left, arriving only a minute after our previous departure. Taking a deep breath he opens the door.

"By the way, did I mention it also travels in time?", I hear him say, and when I watch Rose come rushing in through the doors of my prison, I know that this time my prayers have been answered.


	5. Chapter 4: Boom Town

_One more time Izzy. One more time, and this time it will work._

I focus all my energy on imagining myself planting myself in the mind of Rose, spreading myself throughout all the available space in her mind until there is no space for her own consciousness anymore and she is forced to squeeze out the only hole available. Back through the way I came in and into the heart of the Tardis.

_One more time._

I take a deep breath, and step through Rose. The familiar sensations take over, not just over my body, but _inside _my body. It feels like someone has reached right inside me and has decided to rearrange my vital organs. You'd think I'd get used to this feeling after 10 attempts, but each time, it just feels weird. But if it works, it's so worth it.

Rose stops talking. I hold my breath in anticipation.

_Has it worked?_

Then she moves away. "I'm sure there's something weird in here Doctor. I never usually feel this way, but today it's like…ah ignore me. I'm probably just being paranoid."

I don't even need to open my eyes to know that it's failed. Again. I add 'Walking Through Rose' to my list of methods which I've also tried, and failed, to succeed with, joining 'Projecting Myself Into Her Mind' and 'Creating a Paradox.' All I've managed to succeed in doing is bringing into existence a load of Reapers and almost causing the Tardis to have never existed, and breaking my own heart even further.

With a sinking feeling in my heart, still with my eyes shut, I project myself next to the Doctor, then open them to glower at Rose. On days like today, I wish she could see me. Then she could feel the force of my anger and maybe she'd give in and surrender her mind to me. I sigh. My existence right now seems to be filled with too many 'maybe's' for my liking.

"I know!", the doctor exclaims next to me, as a response to my sigh. Snapping back into reality, I look up at him and try and hide the fact that I wasn't listening to a word he was saying. That also seems to be happening a lot these days. Ever since Rose Tyler came into my life, I've been unable to focus on anything else.

"Look, I'm confused too, so don't look at me like that." My confusion grows, but obviously my confused face was the correct one to be wearing at this moment in time, so I continue to look confused, and considering that mirrors my emotions, it's not hard to do.

"All this talk of ghosts and stuff. As if you'd ever let a ghost in the Tardis!" He chuckles to himself and I hurriedly let out a harsh laugh, which sounds nothing like a laugh, but thankfully the Doctor doesn't notice. "Maybe I should take her home for a little while, you know, take her back to some normality."

And his hands take over the controls, guiding me back to London, so I have an excuse to turn away from him and Rose, so that he can't see my face. If he looked at me carefully, he would notice the shake of my hands as I work with the wires of the Tardis; the only outside evidence that, deep inside my heart, a fire is burning. And he would notice that those same shaking hands cross the wires slightly further than he wanted me to.

I slowly materialise in London, making a louder noise than usual to release some of the anger within me. Rose is clearly excited about the prospect of seeing her mother again, such a human reaction that it makes me want to cry.

"How long have I been gone?", she asks excitedly, with the biggest smile on her face. A smile so bright that it hurts my eyes to even look at it.

"About twelve hours," he replies, smiling at her unblemished happiness.

I smile to myself. "That's what you think," I mutter under my breath and, as I intended, the Doctor is so caught up in Rose that he doesn't even hear me.

"Oh. Right. I won't be long. I just want to see my mum."

"What're you going to tell her?"

"I don't know. I've been to the year 5 billion and only been gone, what, twelve hours? No, I'll just tell her I spent the night at Shareen's. See you later."

"Not if I take off first," I mutter again, even though I would never do that, because despite my hatred of Rose right now, she is still my only hope. My last chance.

"Oh, don't you disappear," Rose suddenly says, turning around again.

Once again, I'm shocked by the power of Rose's mind.

_How can you not know you are so so special?_

Then she turns back and runs towards the open doors. I feel like snapping them shut, just to be mean, but then I remember that I actually landed myself 12 months later, rather than 12 hours like the Doctor wanted, so I gladly leave the doors open.

It's a poor joke, and I know it, but right now, even the littlest things can cheer me up.

"See you later Izzy!", the Doctor calls out to me as he runs out after Rose, and I sink back into the console to wait for the drama that I'm sure will unfold. There is a part of me, a rational voice in my mind, that tells me I should feel bad about this, but I'm too angry to listen to it right now.

Without the Doctor in the Tardis, I lose all sense of time, so I have no idea how long I waited until the doors of the Tardis bang open, making me jump, and the Doctor comes storming in, the atmosphere around him almost crackling with anger.

"Izzy, get here right now!", he demands, and suddenly I'm scared, so I materialise directly in front of him. Usually this makes him jump, and then he laughs at my ability to make him scared when even the most dangerous monsters in the universe can't make him flinch. But now he is as still as a statue, his face almost like stone, a face carved by anger.

"What are you playing at? 12 HOURS Izzy! I said 12 HOURS! What were you thinking?"

Suddenly, my joke doesn't seem so funny anymore.

"I just wanted to have a bit of fun, that's all," I mumble, and even to my own ears, it sounds like a poor excuse.

He sighs with exasperation. "12 months Izzy?! They have police out there looking for her!"

I remain silent. I don't want to hear this right now. I'm sick of having to answer to _him_, going where _he _wants to go, dealing with the companions that _he _brings into my prison. I'm sick of it all. I don't want to exist like this anymore. I fade back into my protective console and I don't even care if it makes him angrier.

I watch him as he paces around the console, banging his hands angrily every now and then on some unsuspecting control. It feels like he's hitting me, even though I know he doesn't intend to do that. I watch him for a while, taking in his eyes as they move from anger to sadness, and I feel bad. I didn't want to hurt him. Even after everything he's put me through, I still don't want to hurt him. So I materialise into the corner of the box, still tense.

"I'm sorry," I whisper gently. He lifts his head, his eyes brimming with sympathy, his face sad. Always so, so sad.

"I'm sorry too Izzy." He walks closer to me. "Look, I know it's hard for you. I do. Especially when I bring other humans into our lives to travel with us. I guess it makes you think back on what your life could have been like. And there isn't a day where I don't think about what I did to you. It still hurts me so bad. I am the reason that my whole race died out, other than me, and I thought nothing could equal that guilt. But what I did to you? That's more guilt than I've ever experienced before in my life. And I've lived a long, long time." He smiles gently, and I feel myself relaxing under his soft gaze. "Sometimes I think that I broke your heart. But you know what? I did this to you, and it breaks both of mine."

I smile at him, because suddenly things don't seem so bad anymore.

"But Rose is special, Izzy. I don't know why, and I don't know how, but I just know that she is. You must have felt that too, because you convinced me to go back for her. Somehow you knew she was special too, right? And even though it hurts you, you know she has to stay? Right?"

My smile fades because I don't like where the conversation is going. I don't trust myself to speak, so I just nod. After what he just said, those beautiful words that touched me so deeply in all the right places, I can't believe he's going back to the one topic that made me so angry in the first place.

"See? Rose is special, Izzy. She really is. And I'm so glad that it's not just me who sees it. And it's up to you and I to work out why. The Doctor and Izzy. Such a perfect team." He smiles again, and I wish I could smile too, but I already know why Rose is special, and I can't ever tell him. Because that would mean giving up my hopes of escape. And I can't ever do that to myself. So I just nod again.

He flashes one of his brilliant smiles again. "We'll figure this out, the two of us. That's why I gave Rose a key."

Now I really don't trust myself to speak. I wish I could return into the console and hide from him. But his words echo in my mind.

_Sometimes I think that I broke your heart. But you know what? I did this to you, and it breaks both of mine._

"That's great," I say, with forced enthusiasm, and smile weakly at his happy, excited face.

_Because I can't break your hearts too._

And as the Doctor leaves me behind, as he runs off to find Rose, I retreat into the console and, for the first time, allow myself to cry.

* * *

For the next few weeks, I feel like a ghost of my past self. I stay hidden in my own part of the blue box, deep inside myself where I feel the safest, and hide myself away. I know the Doctor is worried about me, and every now and then I materialise next to him to reassure him that I'm ok, but I don't have the energy to do much else. I can tell he wants to talk to me, but with Rose around, he's rarely alone in the blue box, and when Jack joins us on our travels, those moments become even rarer. It's easier for me just to hide myself behind the walls I built around myself, allow myself to recuperate until I can find the strength and the willpower to try transferring myself into Rose again. It still bothers me that I have no idea how to do it, but I don't want to go there right now.

We land. Again. Another place, another adventure, but I still feel so tired of it all. Cardiff, I notice, even though I don't really care. Ever since Rose came into our lives, the Doctor seems to keep returning to various places in the United Kingdom, like a magnet that can't pull away. I vaguely take note of our position, just outside the water tower, before allowing my thoughts to drift away again. I still can't be bothered with all this.

Then there is a knock on the door. I open my eyes in surprise, scanning them across the main room of the Tardis. Rose. The Doctor. Jack. Just as I thought. Everyone is here. So who would be knocking on the door? People don't just _knock _on the door of the Tardis.

Jack cautiously opens my doors, and even though I don't want to be, I can't deny that I'm curious too.

"Who the hell are you?", Jack asks, almost angrily.

"What do you mean, who the hell am I? Who the hell are you?"

Mickey.

Great.

Just what I need. Someone else to love Rose, just like I know the Doctor does, while I sit here, failing over and over again to think of a plan. I drift back into the safety of my own thoughts, not yet ready to venture back into that dangerous territory again.

But when I hear them talking about me, well, not me, but the Tardis, though to me the two words are interchangeable, my ears prick up.

"Yeah, what's with the Police Box? Why does it look like that?", I hear Jack ask, and if I had the energy and if I knew that he could hear me, I would scream at him that I would change if I could, but what could be a more appropriate shape for a machine that holds me captive?

"It's a cloaking device," says Rose. I hate how she thinks she's so clever. It's not a 'cloaking device.' It's called the chameleon circuit actually.

"It's called a chameleon circuit." I smile faintly. Even now, when I've separated myself from the Doctor, we still think along the same lines. "The Tardis is meant to disguise itself wherever it lands, like if this was Ancient Rome, it'd be a statue on a plinth or something. But I landed in the 1960s, it disguised itself as a police box, and the circuit got stuck."

No, the circuit did not get stuck. I got stuck. And the shape got stuck with me.

"So it copied a real thing? There actually were police boxes?" I don't even need to look to know that Mickey said that. He never really has got the idea of this whole space travel thing, and if I were my normal self, normal Izzy, I would find it amusing. But now I just find it annoying.

"Yeah, on street corners. Phone for help before they had radios and mobiles. If they arrested someone, they could shove them inside till help came, like a little prison cell."

_Like a little prison cell._

My heart breaks a little more inside. Of all the ways to describe my box, he uses _those words? _But I know it's because he feels guilty. After what he told me, I can never doubt that. But it doesn't make it hurt any less.

"Why don't you just fix the circuit?", Jack asks him. If only it were that easy. If only the Doctor could just walk in, flash me a smile, and fix me, just like he fixes all the other problems in the universe.

I guess I am the only problem that the Doctor has failed to fix.

I can't say I like that accomplishment.

"I like it, don't you," says the Doctor, his voice sounding cheerful, but I can detect the slight sorrow hidden beneath the layers of his voice. And even though I know that the police box shape symbolises my captivity so well, I have to admit that I like it too. Everything in this new world with the Doctor is uncertain, but the blue box is me. I would hate it if it kept changing too.

"There's no police boxes anymore, so doesn't it get noticed?" Another comment from the clueless Mickey, which would have normally made me laugh.

"Ricky, let me tell you something about the human race. You put a mysterious blue box slap bang in the middle of town, what do they do? Walk past it. Now, stop your nagging. Let's go and explore."

_You tell him, Doctor! _I think to myself, smiling in satisfaction. Then I remember that I'm supposed to be mad at him, because he gave Rose a key, and he knows that's the key to my heart, not just the key to a spaceship like Rose thinks. And in doing so, he gave away a part of me to her, and I can't deal with that, especially when I don't want her to have a _part _of me, I want to _be _her full stop. My smile fades as I retreat back into the console again.

My consistent blue police box.

_Without it, I would be lost._

* * *

The next time I open my eyes to the world again, I'm shocked to see a Slitheen standing in the console room. I am suddenly alert and tense. I must try and focus! There was a time where _I _decided to came through my doors! Who knows what happened in the time I retreated into myself! Suddenly I'm mad at myself, and I'm tempted to materialise myself into the console room to keep a closer eye on what this intruder is planning to do, but I know that doing so would shock the Doctor more than anything right now. So I make do with transferring my focus from my safe corner of the box to the centre of the console, so that I am practically right next to the Slitheen.

What I see in her hand shocks me.

_She has an extrapolator!_

I cower away, pressing my consciousness up close to the cylinder, feeling the movement inside it increase as my heartbeat speeds up and my breathing increases.

_How did she get an extrapolator!_

I hear the Doctor's voice, loud and clear. "Opening the rift means you'll pull this ship apart!"

He's told me about extrapolators, but I never dreamed that I would have to face one. He told me they were rare; that they could latch on to any source of energy and feed off it, destroying things in it's path. That extrapolator, so seemingly harmless, can pull me apart.

"So sue me," laughs the Slitheen.

I can see the look of panic on the Doctor's face; I can see him looking around the box for me, his eyes calling out for me, but I'm too scared to move.

"It's not just any old power source. It's the Tardis!" He stops, his voice suddenly full of emotion. "_My _Tardis. The best ship in the universe."

_The best ship in the universe._

That is the last thing I hear, before the Slitheen steps on to the extrapolator and activates it.

All I can feel is pain. Pain, like no other pain I've experienced before. It feels like someone is cutting into me with a sharp knife, tearing away at my skin, exposing me in places I try to keep hidden from the world. Through the pain, I hear Rose's voice.

"What's that light?'

Yes, what_ is_ that light? It's hot and it's burning my eyes. Then I realise.

_The light is me._

_She's cut through to my very soul._

Seconds later, the Doctor confirms my realisation. "The heart of the Tardis. This ship's alive. You've opened its soul."

Even through the pain, the sharp, excruciating pain, I have to gasp. This is the closest the Doctor has ever come to revealing my secret. Then the pain engulfs me, so that I can only hear snatches of conversation. The Doctor, telling the Slitheen to look closely into my light. The Slitheen, saying how bright I am.

_I am so very, very bright._

The pain is too much. With a sharp cry, I release my energy into the nearest source I see, the glittering eyes of the gazing Slitheen. The pain vanishes, leaving me cold and empty. But I don't feel like I'm in the console anymore.

_Where am I?_

I am filling the space of a different mind. The Slitheen's mind. "Thank you," I breathe, but the voice I hear is not mine, but the Slitheen's.

Then there is a sharp crack. The mind of the Slitheen collapses under my weight, and I feel myself rushing back towards the console, faster and faster, until my consciousness collides with the cylinder.

I don't understand what just happened. But the pain is returning, intensifying again, bubbling to a climax faster than before. And as the power in me increases, I find myself searching for the next source I can see.

_Rose Tyler._

I hungrily begin to focus all the raw energy into the vast mind of the human. I am stretching out, reaching into her mind, so close I can almost touch it.

"Don't look! Stay there! Close your eyes!", the Doctor yells, rushing over to the console.

Her eyes snap shut immediately. I feel myself drifting away from that mind, that very human mind, and returning to the console. _No, please, no! _I plead, but no one can hear me. For the second time, I collide with the centre cylinder of the console, and the rift in my body snaps shut.

The pain leaves me.

I blink a few times as I return to myself and clear my mind.

I don't remember much of what just happened.

I hear the Doctor explaining what just happened to Rose. I hear him tell her that the Tardis is telepathic and it can get into her mind.

_I wish_, I think. I've tried that already. If only it were that simple.

Then I think over what just happened. And as the blind spots in my eyes from the bright light slowly recedes, everything becomes clear to me.

_The slitheen's mind, collapsing under my weight._

_So close I can almost touch Rose's mind._

_"Close your eyes!"_

_"Gets into your mind."_

The previous pain has left me, but a new kind of pain returns.

_So close, yet so far._

But now I know what I have to do.


	6. Chapter 5: The Parting of the Ways

"You did not lead her into the Tardis for me, am I right?"

It is later that same day; the day that I learned exactly how I can transfer into Rose. The day that the Doctor saw through my mask, right into the heart of my plan.

The Doctor does not turn his face to me. He is looking down on to the main console, his knuckles white. I know he will not deny it, but I need to hear it from his own lips, out of his mouth. Aloud. Hear him saying that he fell in love with a tiny little human from planet earth. Another one he will save instead of me.

"You promised you would save me, Doctor." I am sad, hiding my face in the shadows. After so many years of disappointment, I forgot how it felt so fast it scares me. The pain is dragging at my heart, making it hurt with every single beat. "That's why you didn't try to convince her to stay. You wanted her to be spared, because you love her."

I remember him, shutting the door and looking gravely sad. So sad. And my words, my needs. I had to convince him to go back and get Rose into the Tardis. He did. But not honestly.

I feel my hands trembling with all the feelings. All this disappointment. In the end, it always comes down to this one feeling, burning its way through my body like acid.

_Disappointment. _

"I don't want this anymore. I want you to leave." Now it's me not able to look at him. "I lived 900 years in time and space, willing to trust you as my only hope. But there is nothing left, Doctor." I don't cry. I feel too numb to cry. "Not a single bit. I'm empty and I want to rest."

The Doctor looks at me; his face is blank. I know that he's in shock because I can still feel him. We had fights in the past, but never like this. He was right, I am a human being full of emotions and the moment I lose all these emotions is the moment I give up. Him. Me. And my future.

"Don't do that, Izzy. It is not too late. I can still help you." But before he even finishes his sentence, I shake my head.

"You can't. It took me 900 years to realise it, so I don't expect you to understand it right now. Just go and forget me, mad man." He pushes himself away from the main console; fire is burning in his eternal eyes. He doesn't know what is going on with me; he feels helpless.

"I won't forget you, Izzy. And I won't leave. Never. I promised you, and it is the most important promise I have ever made. I won't disappoint you."

_Disappoint you. _

He said the words. I close my eyes, feeling the power of the Tardis around me. My voice is just a faint whisper.

"But Doctor... you already did."

I open my eyes again. They are glowing now, as bright as the sun, because the Time Vortex is right beneath my skin. As I lift my hand, sparks fly around my holographic self. "Leave, Doctor. Please don't make me hurt you."

His mask slips from his face and I can see his shock now. I never used the power of the Tardis against him. I threatened him, yes. But not like this.

"You won't do that, Izzy. I know you wouldn't."

My voice is calm. "I would. Please, Doctor. Just leave and never come back."

Little strands of orange light crisp around my fingers, looking like fire. It doesn't burn my hand but it would burn the Doctor's skin. "Please", I beg, silently.

Even now I want to save him, and I hate this part of myself. It takes another heart-beat until the Doctor understands that it's serious. That I am serious. He looks straight into my eyes, lets me see all the feelings he usually hides, and a part of me jumps over the intensity of this storm he's controlling.

"I'm coming back for you, Izzy. Always have and always will be."

Then he's gone, out of the Tardis as fast as a storm. He leaves the door open. And I feel nothing. I can't even remember the beat of my heart. Fear climbs up my throat. I did it. The Doctor is gone.

I want to turn around, start the machine and get out of here, but instead of turning, my holographic legs start to run for the open door. I feel the scream climbing up in my throat. And for one little second I believe I can break free. I just have to run through that door and I will be free. I can almost feel a light summer breeze in my face, see the world outside of my blue prison, as I jump for the door and hit the invisible wall of my prison. And as my holographic self shatters into millions and millions of orange sparks, the door of my prison slams shut.

_I am the Tardis. _

_For now and forever._

* * *

For the next few weeks, the Doctor and I barely speak to each other. Yes, he came back for me. I knew he would in the end because I know he is always true to his word. His conscience would never let him abandon me. And somewhere, deep in my heart, I never wanted him to leave me either.

I remember when he walked back though my doors. I had been sitting on top of the console, dreaming of new beginnings and a new existence and, when he stepped inside, I had looked up and regarded him coldly, my eyes remaining expressionless. Instead of taking over the room like he normally would have done, he waited by the door, watching me, and I knew that he was waiting for me to acknowledge him; he was respecting me and showing me that he was sorry by not intruding on my space until I was ready. He continued to watch me as I continued to watch him, and then, ever so slightly, I nodded my head and then allowed my projection to vanish as I moved back into the blue box.

I had allowed him back into my world. But I hadn't forgiven him – yet.

And so we continued on our travels. We didn't talk and I barely materialised into the console room, but I carried him and Rose through space and time as carefully as I could. He may have taken away my freedom, not just once but twice now, but I knew in my heart that I needed him, just as he needed me.

_As long as the universe is willing to keep us alive._

Even so, watching from afar, I watch how, day by day, the Doctor falls more and more in love with Rose. I tell myself that it doesn't bother me because it shouldn't, because I am just a blue box with no chance of escape, while Rose is a human being, a _physical _person with so much more to offer, but during those times when Rose and the Doctor are away from me, saving the universe from another deadly invasion, I unlock those most private thoughts of mine from the back of my mind. In those moments, I can't believe how unfair this situation is. Rose wouldn't even _be _travelling with the Doctor if it weren't for me. He would never have gone back for her if I had not convinced him it was the right thing to do. All I wanted was to give myself a chance of freedom, of escape from this prison that will not let me go, but all I ended up doing was hurting. And I'm so, so tired of hurting.

_But I never stop dreaming._

I was always a dreamer as a child. I had so many plans for my life, so many things that I wanted to do and achieve. That all seems so long ago now, like a favourite book from your childhood where you know all the characters as well as you know your family, but once the covers are closed, they cease to exist and become part of the land of stories. That's how my old life appears to me now. A part of the land of stories. But when it comes to dreaming, that's all I have that links me to the character that I used to be. As the Doctor guides me to the dalek spaceship where Rose is minutes away from extermination, the only thing that keeps me going, keeps me motivated to save her, is this dream. A dream where this existence, life as a blue box, will also become part of the land of stories, and a new existence will be waiting for me.

I gradually materialise around Rose, encasing her within my walls, leaving the dalek outside. I watch as the Doctor's eyes light up as soon as they focus on her, and I have to turn away. I saved her, and I'll keep saving her until I find a way to get out of this situation, but each time I do so, it takes something away from me.

"You did it!", Rose exclaims, rushing into the open arms of the Doctor. In a perfect world, he would correct her mistake by explaining how, actually, a girl at the heart of the Tardis was the one responsible for saving her. But I haven't lived in a perfect world for a long time.

"I told you I'd come and get you," the Doctor says sincerely, looking into her eyes and smiling one of his rare smiles that used to be reserved just for me. That's another thing I've learned about the Doctor over the years. He'll never break a promise. But I've also learned that some are harder for him to keep than others. And those ones always seem to be the most important.

"Never doubted it," Rose replies happily, smiling back at him.

"I did." He looks around the console room with a sad look on his face, and that hurts me more than anything so far. He hasn't seen me for so long now, so long that he doesn't even know if he can trust me. And after all we've been through, I would have hoped that he knows that, no matter how mad I am at him, I can't let him down.

_"Sometimes I think I broke your heart. But you know what? I did this to you, and it breaks both of mine."_

With his words echoing in my mind, I retreat back into the Tardis and hide once again, and watch them leave.

But minutes later, my doors bang open, hitting the sides of my walls with a loud bang, making me jump and awakening me from my dreams. The Doctor and Rose come rushing in, the urgency around them almost static, and before I have time to even think, the Doctor's voice fills the space.

"Hold that down and keep position," he orders Rose, and I'm suddenly angry. He thinks that he can just run in here and give permission to this human to _hold me down_? And I decide _my own postion _and he should know that, considering I've taken him to so many places he never intended me to go! For the first time in weeks, I materialise into the corner of the box, but with all the rush and urgency, he doesn't notice me. But I like it that way. This way, I can observe closely without having to deal with him.

"What's it do?" Rose asks, grabbing hold of one of my levers. Her touch feels unfamiliar and alien. _Since when did a human touch feel alien? _But I don't dwell on that thought right now. Now is not the time.

"Cancels the buffers. If I'm very clever and I'm more than clever, I'm brilliant, I might just save the world. Or rip it apart." Without my will, my lips slowly curve into a smile. Even when danger is looming, the Doctor never loses his sense of humor.

"I'd go for the first one," Rose jokes. _Well, wouldn't we all_, a sarcastic voice in my head says.

"Me too. Now, I've just got to go and power up the Game Station. Hold on!" And suddenly, he's gone just as quickly as he came, my doors swinging behind him.

If it weren't for my current mood, I would have to laugh at Rose's stunned reaction. It seems that, even after all the time she's spent travelling with him, she still hasn't got used to his strange moods, his quick reactions, the way he can change his mind in a split second, leaving you completely outside of his thoughts. Then again, I can't blame her for that. It took me a while to get used to that too and I'm bound to him in a way that no one else will ever be. Unfortuantely for me.

She clutches the lever fiercely, as if she was about to die and this lever was the only thing keeping her alive, and her head keeps anxiously turning to face my doors and then back to the lever, almost like a nervous twitch. I'm not exactly sure what she's waiting for, or exactly what danger we are in this time, but I'm sure that all will become clear to me soon.

Then I double over as something reaches deep into me, not into my projection but into my consciousness deep within the blue box. Like a reflex action, I throw up walls in my mind to block out this invasion of my privacy but, like a ghost hand, it slips between them and takes hold of my very soul, controlling me until I have no choice but to start the engines.

"Doctor, what're you doing? Can I take my hand off? It's moving," I vaguely hear Rose cry out over the noises in my head. My thoughts are drowning in vibrations, somewhat familiar, yet not a part of me. I try and focus through the noise, trying to place the sounds with the right image. I _know _this frequency of vibration from _somewhere. _If only I could place my finger on it…

Then, as the vibration in my head builds to its climax, as the blue box begins to fade on my orders, even though it's definitely _not _me ordering it, I catch sight of the Doctor pointing his sonic screwdriver straight at me. His face is sorry, always so sorry. His eyes are piecing, looking straight into my eyes deep into my soul, burning an image on the back of my retina so that, long after the Tardis vanishes from his sight, I can still feel him watching me.

"Doctor, let me out!", Rose exclaims, running to my doors and banging her fists on them. And no matter what my feelings towards Rose may be right now, I'm with her on this point. I have never liked the Doctor's sonic screwdriver. Yes, it was a big improvement from the first sonic devices he owned, but I still never liked the fact that he could sonic his way through tough situations, almost like he was playing the game of life, only with a cheat. And I _especially_ don't like the fact that he's using this device to invade my privacy, to control me into doing what _he _wants to do. And that he's just left me with Rose, and that I'm completely unable to return to him because, with one press of his sonic device, he's turned me into his puppet and he pulls my strings now.

"Let me out! Doctor, what've you done?", Rose asks, still not relenting on her mission of trying to break down my doors. If I could, I would tell her that it's futile, that nothing can break down those doors, especially not the tiny strength of a human fist, but I can't, so I try to block her out. But my thoughts echo her last question.

_Doctor, what _have _you done?_

As I land the blue box carefully down on the ground, I move over to the door where Rose is still standing, hoping that she will open them so I can get a glimpse of where the Doctor wanted me to go. But as I reach the door, I hear the Doctor's voice.

"This is Emergency Programme One."

I turn around slowly, still in shock. Standing right in front of me is – the Doctor? How can this be possible? I know he's clever; I've never found anyone with a brain as clever as the Doctor's; but not even _he _is capable of this. Then his image flickers, and I realise that I'm staring at a hologram of the Doctor. I know it's stupid, but I feel strangely relieved. It would be an awful shock to realise that, all this time we've been travelling together, the Doctor didn't need me to get to the various places he wanted to visit.

"Rose, now listen, this is important. If this message is activated, then it can only mean one thing. We must be in danger. And I mean fatal. I'm dead or about to die any second with no chance of escape."

_What?_

Fear creeps over my body, paralysing me, freezing me to the spot. This isn't true. It _can't _be true. I try and open my mouth to say something but all that comes out is a choked sob.

_This has to be a mistake._

"No!" Rose runs over to the hologram, but he doesn't turn to look at her. Instead he's looking straight at me. His face is a mirror of the last time I saw it. The same face, always so, so sorry. And those piercing eyes that look straight into my soul. They are unblinking, mesmerising, and I can't take my eyes away from him. I feel like someone has sucked all the air out of the console room, leaving me incapable of breathing.

"And that's okay. Hope it's a good death. But I promised to look after you, and that's what I'm doing. The Tardis is taking you home."

The Tardis is taking me home? So I must be in London, though from the sound of the heavy traffic outside, it's definitely not 1963. And the Doctor knows that I can never go home. Not really. This blue box is my home now.

_I am the Tardis. For now and forever._

And if he thinks he can just send me away, leaving him to face death alone, then he has another thing coming!

"I won't let you!," Rose and I cry out in desperation, at the same time. Startled, I stare at her, but then I come back to my senses and realise that she can't hear me. But at least we both seem to share the same sentiment. Even though she doesn't know it, we're stuck together now, just the two of us, and it helps to know that we're on the same page.

"And I bet you're fussing and moaning now. Typical." He continues to stare right at me, but he doesn't smile. I know it's not the right time to be joking and smiling, but my Doctor never realised when it was inappropriate to make a joke, and every single one of them was accompanied with a smile. I can't deal with the fact that this hologram isn't smiling. I can't deal with the fact that I might not see that smile again.

"But hold on and just listen a bit more. The Tardis can never return for me." I wish he was joking, but I can tell by the look in his eyes, the sadness that is hidden deep inside them, that he's not, and that it's hurting him to tell me this. "Emergency Programme One means I'm facing an enemy that should never get their hands on this machine. So this is what you should do. Let the Tardis die. Just let this old box gather dust. No one can open it. No one'll even notice it. Let it become a strange little thing standing on a street corner. And over the years, the world'll move on and the box will be buried."

I can't believe what he's saying. How can he just ask me to die? After all we've been through, after everything we've seen together, all those battles, all the adventure, all the times we've saved the universe. Just a crazy Time Lord and his loyal blue box. The Doctor and Izzy.

_Such an unlikely team, yet such a perfect one._

Although I can't feel them, I'm aware that tears are slowly descending down my cheeks. The fight that I've been having with the Doctor all seems so _pointless _now. I'm a blue box that can travel in time, but the ironic thing is that I can never go back and change the way I acted. I can never change those words I said, tell him I was sorry, and make things better again. And now I have to sit on the side of the road and let this blue box die, and when it dies, so will I. Without him ever knowing how deeply sorry I am. Without him knowing that if I could change things, I would.

I try to blink back the tears that just keep falling but it doesn't work. I don't want our time together to end like this. There are so many things I want to say to him, so many unsaid words that lie between us. I turn my back to the hologram because, right now, it's too hard for me to look at that face. Because I know it's not really the Doctor, yet I wish it was with all my heart.

"And if you want to remember me, then you can do one thing. That's all, one thing." I stop mid-turn, and lift my eyes to look into those of the Doctor's. He continues to stare right at me and a ghost of a smile flickers on his lips. Then, with a slight movement, he gives me a nod of approval, so small that if I had blinked, I would have missed it. Then he turns and looks directly at Rose, who is still standing to the left of him.

"Have a good life. Do that for me. Rose. Have a fantastic life." And then he vanishes.

I stare at the empty space where his hologram once stood, taking in his final words, letting them sink in so I can make sense of their meaning.

"Come on, fly! How do you fly? Come on, help me!", Rose screams as she runs around the console. I watch her, the Doctor's words still assembling themselves in my mind, like pieces of a jigsaw, until they finally fit and everything makes sense. I gasp, involuntarily.

I continue to watch Rose fumbling with the controls of the console. Every time she touches one of my levers, I can feel the blood pounding through her veins in the rhythm of her beating heart.

_My beating heart._

"I will have a good life, Doctor, and so will you," I whisper under my breath.

Because, with his last words, the Doctor has given me permission to take Rose's body, her life, and make it my own.

_And then, with Rose's power joined with mine, I will save him._


	7. Chapter 6: The Wolf

"Bad Wolf here, Bad Wolf there. It's a message. It's telling me I can get back. All the Tardis needs to do is make a return trip. Just reverse."

I sigh with impatience at the sound of Rose's voice. All I can think about is the Doctor and the fact that, this very second, he is about to be exterminated. It's funny; before the Doctor pointed his sonic screwdriver at me, controlling this blue box was second nature to me; it wasn't something that I had to think about. After all, the blue box is me, and I am the blue box. But now, this one time where I _really _need to be away from this place and with the Doctor, I don't know how. All I know is that Rose _needs _to open up the console, the gateway to my very soul, so that I can move into her. But what happens after that remains unknown.

"Yeah, but we still can't do it," Mickey points out.

For what seems like the fiftieth time in the last hour, I curse my invisibility. If I could just make contact with Rose, I could tell her what to do. And maybe I would have a chance of saving the Doctor, and saving myself. Instead, I have to sit here and watch her and Mickey as they struggle to find any sort of solution that would help our situation.

Rose stands by the console, carefully watching the central cylinder as it moves up with my inhalation, and down with my exhalation. I try varying my breaths, staggering the movement of the cylinder, trying anything to make her see that there is more to this box that meets the eye.

"The Doctor always said the Tardis was telepathic." I feel the holographic replacement for adrenaline flowing through my veins, building up slowly inside me, as I sense that she's closer than ever to understanding. The cylinder's movements increase along with my breathing and she studies it thoughtfully. "This thing is alive. It can listen."

I feel like shouting and jumping for joy, but I won't be hasty. She's remembered from the Doctor's comments that I'm alive. That doesn't mean she'll make the connection between my existence and the light at the heart of the Tardis. But still, that doesn't stop my body from trembling in anticipation.

"It's not listening now, is it?", Mickey says sarcastically, and I materialise directly in front of him, feeling a stab of pain when I remember how the Doctor usually responded to my little surprise materialisations.

"Of course I am, you idiot!" I yell in his face, releasing all my impatience and frustration in that one sentence. I'm just so sick of waiting. Ever since I became this blue box, I've been waiting. 900 years of waiting. And now, while the Doctor is in danger, I'm waiting – as always. "And I'm a whole lot more intelligent than you are!," I conclude.

Breathing deeply, I step away from the unsuspecting Mickey, turning my attention back to Rose, who is studying the rim of the console, fingering it gently with her solid human hands. She must be getting closer; I can feel it in my bones.

"We need to get inside it."

I let out a cry of exaltation and if I could hug someone, I would. She's finally grasped it, and it's the best feeling in the world. I just hope that she can find a way to open the console.

"Last time I saw you, with the Slitheen, this middle bit opened, and there was this light, and the Doctor said it was the heart of the Tardis. If we can open it, I can make contact."

Unable to contain myself, partly from the relief of knowing Rose has a plan, I materialise directly in front of her this time.

"No, no, Rose! You will _not _make contact with me. _I _will be the one making contact with you! And God knows I've been trying for the last few hours!" I smile brightly in her face. I feel giddy with hope and excitement, and the promise of freedom and humanity. Happiness bubbles up inside me, like lava in a volcano, erupting in the form of a laugh.

_Soon I will be free!_

"I can tell it what to do," Rose concludes.

"Oh Rose, you wish, you wish!" I move away from her, the smile on my face permanently fixed in place. I watch them as they leave the blue box to find some means of opening the console. Some way of opening my gates and letting me _free._ Though, of course, they don't know that.

_Soon, Izzy. Soon that body will be yours._

But as the minutes tick by, nothing seems to happening any time soon. From my vantage point, sitting comfortably on top of the console, I watch Mickey revving his car engine fruitlessly, pulling on a heavy chain securely fastened to the rim of the console, the other end attached to the car.

"It's not moving!" Rose complains as the heavy chain strains and creaks under the force applied to it. With a loud crack, the chain splits in half, whipping through the air and crashing into my walls.

I groan with impatience, absent-mindedly rubbing my arm from the slight pain the chain caused to my walls. With a cry of frustration, Rose kicks out at the console, causing another pain in my chest. When I first became trapped in this prison, the relationship between the physical box and my projection was astonishing to me, but now it has become part of everyday life, so much so that I hardly notice it.

With the next attempt, Mickey replaces his car with a great big recovery truck that Jackie drove up in like a prince on a white horse coming to save everyone. Once again, a heavy chain is attached to the back of the truck while the other end is attached to the console. The anticipation inside me builds up at the same time as Mickey revs the engine up, and I close my eyes, hardly daring to look.

"Put your foot down!"

"Faster!"

"Give it some more Mickey!"

The cries of Jackie and Rose come in through my open doors; the doors which I have kept open on purpose so I can observe what's going on outside. As the chain pulls on my console, it feels like it's pulling on my very heart, stretching it and opening it, slowly, little by little. I can hear the confirmation; the sounds of the console creaking steadily.

"Keep going!"

"Come on, come on!"

The tugging at my very heart increases, and slowly I let myself drop downwards so that I'm no longer sitting on top of the console in my projection form, but I am at one with the box again. I position myself below the grate of the console. 900 years of waiting, building up to this point. And I have never been more ready.

With a loud snap and a crash, the console gives way, and at the same time, all the barriers surrounding my heart give way too. I am exposed in a way that I have only experienced once before. My raw soul, on display for everyone to see. I feel naked without my protective barriers. But I ignore the feelings of discomfort. I have more important things to deal with now.

Rose comes running in through my open doors. She turns and stares straight at me, and it's too direct for me to deal with, but I hold her gaze.

"Rose. Come to me Rose," I whisper, looking straight into her eyes. My tunnel into her mind.

She runs straight at me and stares straight down into the heart of my soul.

With the force of a tidal wave, I crash my consciousness up against hers, streaming into her mind, filling all the available space. I can feel her shock and horror; feel her trying to resist me, putting up barriers in her mind to block me out.

But she is human. And I am so much more.

I allow myself to breath in deeply through Rose's nose, feeling the cool air traveling into her – no _my _– nostrils. The effect is calming, and I allow myself to focus. I am still spreading out through the space in Rose's mind like radiation, taking her over, fighting through all her resistance. I can sense every single one of her emotions.

I am Rose.

_I am human._

But Rose is more than an ordinary human. I knew that from the moment that I first set eyes on her. I think of the phrase that has been following us around since Rose started to travel with us. Bad Wolf. And now, sitting here inside Rose's mind, in full control of her living body, everything makes sense. Rose said that it was a message, a message telling her that she could return to the Doctor. In a way, she was right. Only, it wasn't the words that were telling a message, it was the letters that make up the words. Excitement courses through my body, real adrenaline this time, as I realise what I have to do.

BAD – Battle Against Death.

The Doctor can be saved from death. Rose thought that the message was only for her, that _she alone _could return to him to save him, but she was so very wrong. There was more to this message than that.

WOLF – Warrior Of Light and Flesh.

I am the light and Rose is the flesh. And together, combined, we can save him.

I abruptly stop spreading out through Rose's mind, leaving a tiny corner where her consciousness still exists. I can't kill her yet. I need her. The Doctor needs her, and because of that, the universe needs her. I shut my doors with a sudden slam. I am no longer simply Izzy, and because of that, the Doctor's sonic screwdriver has no hold over me now. I start up the engines, disappearing from Mickey's and Jackie's view.

_Doctor, the Wolf is coming._

I'm not really sure where I'm going, but I'm following all the 'Bad Wolf' messages that have been littered throughout time and space. They create a path, a tunnel through time, leading me straight back to the Doctor.

In the corner of the mind that we both share, I can feel Rose's agitation. She is still trying to fight her way through my presence, but I've got her trapped in a corner, literally. The whole volume of her super-human mind squashed down to a tiny corner of her brain. It's no wonder she's scared.

"Rose?" I ask, reaching out my mind to gently touch hers. She doesn't respond, just grows ever more agitated. What did I expect? After all, I am still Izzy, the invisible Tardis. Why should she hear me now? I don't know what else I can do to calm her, so I hum what I hope is a calming tune. I allow it to fill our mind, filling the entire space, including the small corner where Rose's consciousness is cowering. I feel my tune making contact with her soul, calming her down, so I sustain the tune as I fumble with the controls of the console. Now Rose is quiet, I can concentrate on finding my way to the Doctor.

Breathing heavily, I run around the Tardis control room, pressing the appropriate buttons, flicking the right switchs, pulling on the right levers, following the instructions that pop up on the main screen which is set to follow the 'Bad Wolf' messages, running so fast that I'm in danger of tripping over my own feet. One minute I'm running to the left, then to the right, almost like I'm taking part in some kind of dance. _A victory dance _I think grimly to myself, feeling my lips tighten into a line.

Then I feel something –_ someone _– weakly reaching out into my consciousness.

"Who are you? Where am I?" The voice is weak, trembling slightly, but surprisingly steady considering the situation Rose is in. For it is clearly Rose.

I don't know what to say. I don't even know if she would hear me if I _did _say something. "I'm the Wolf," I reply tentatively.

The seconds tick past while I hold my breath. Just when I think she really can't hear me, her voice comes back, this time a little stronger.

"If you are the Wolf, then what am I?"

Interesting question. What is she now? She is not me; I allowed that when I let her occupy the small corner of her mind. But she is not Rose either; not entirely.

"You are also the Wolf," I reply simply, because I don't know what else to say. There are no other words to explain what we have become.

"How can we both be the Wolf? I don't understand!" The volume of her voice is rising and I can feel her starting to panic. "Where am I?"

"We are opposites. I am the sun, always on fire, and you are the moon, the steady rock. I am the day, because I see everything, and you are the night, blind in the darkness. But right here, right now, we are a team. We are the Wolf."

"I don't understand," she whispers feebly, surrendering to my control.

"Let me show you." And I open my mind and stretch it around her tiny little consciousness, enveloping her inside my mind. "See what I can see, and then you will understand."

I hear her gasp inside my mind. Then there is a loud thump and, startled, I look up as the Tardis doors open, parting down the middle like a stage curtain, revealing the Doctor crouched on the floor at the mercy of the Daleks. Slowly I start to walk towards the open doors, framed by the golden residue of the energy from our transformation, but Rose interrupts my thoughts.

"I know I can use this body too. Don't tell me I can't, because I _know _I can. I know everything you know _Izzy_." Strangely, hearing my name tumble from her lips doesn't shock me. She sounds strong, defiant and brave, and now I know why the Doctor cares about her so much.

But she is wrong. She can't see everything I can see. Because carefully hidden, right at the heart of my consciousness, is my plan. Rose will die by the end of this. I may as well allow her to have her last words with the Doctor.

"Go ahead," I say, and I pass our body over for her to control.

_And for the first time, I step over the threshold of the Tardis doors._

_I never thought I would do it in such circumstances as these._

The Doctor looks up at us from his position on the floor. At first he looks confused. Then, as he registers the residue energy still spilling out of the Tardis doors, he knows that I have something to do with it, and his face transforms rapidly into one of anger.

"What've you done?!" he asks in desperation.

Rose looks directly into the eyes of the Doctor. "I looked into the Tardis, and the Tardis looked into me." It feels weird, because my mouth is opening, and my voice box is vibrating, and I even know the words before they are spoken, but it's not me controlling anything. I feel like someone is controlling me with a remote, and it feels unnatural. Even for someone used to being a blue box.

He gazes up at us, his blue eyes wide open, his mouth slightly parted in disbelief. This is exactly what the Doctor gave me permission to do, and Rose should be dead by now, so I know he's trying desperately to understand how she can still be there. "You looked into the Time Vortex. Rose, no one's meant to see that."

_I was never meant to see that. And that is why I must break free _I think to myself in satisfaction, in the heart of my mind where Rose's presence can't reach.

"This is the Abomination!" I shiver at the sound of the Master Dalek's mechanical voice over the intercom.

"Exterminate!" cries another, and as the extermination beam heads in our direction, I quickly take control over our body and stop the beam with my hand.

The Doctor looks from us, to the Dalek, then back to us. I have never seen him so confused.

"I am the Bad Wolf," I say, even though the voice that comes out is Rose's. I see our name, written across the doors of the control room we are in. 'BAD WOLF' in big letters, for everyone to see. In this Battle Against Death, we are the Warrior Of Light and Flesh. But we will never get here, unless I give myself the path that I followed here.

"I create myself. I take the words; I scatter them in time and space." I reach out my hand, Rose's flesh, and with the power of my light, I scatter the letters across time and space. "A message to lead myself here." A tunnel through time to lead myself here.

"Rose!", the Doctor exclaims, staring up into our face. Then suddenly, he is addressing me, pleading me. "You've got to stop this! You've got to stop this now!" The intensity of his voice moves me; the contrast of it with his normal confidence. But I don't understand. How can I stop this now, when I'm doing what he told me to do?

He can tell that he's going nowhere, so he tries a new tack, his voice increasing in urgency. "You've got the entire vortex running through your head! You're going to burn!" I know he's addressing Rose, but I hear it as a warning to _me _and I can't understand why he's giving me conflicting orders now. One hesitation on my part, and suddenly Rose is in control again. Inwardly I curse myself for allowing her to do so.

"I want you safe. My Doctor. Protected from the false God" Her voice is so timid, so sincere, but it makes me so angry. He is _my _Doctor and he will _never _be hers. I have protected him inside my walls for 900 years and _I'm _the one protecting him now. I can see in the way his eyes soften that he knows it's Rose talking to him, and it feels like someone has shot me in the heart.

"You cannot hurt me. I am immortal," boasts the Master Dalek. But something I've learned with the Doctor is that nothing, no one, is immortal. And now Rose can see that too.

Standing up straight with a new air of confidence cracking around her, she addresses the image of the Master Dalek. "You are tiny. I can see the whole of time and space. Every single atom of your existence" She pauses, and I know she is waiting for my light again, because as far as she's concerned, we are still a team. Just like I told her.

I don't want to help her, but the Doctor's safety is more important, and I cooperate. "And I divide them," I say, commanding the light towards the first dalek with the flesh of Rose's hand. I watch it as it crumbles into dust. Then I turn my attention to the others.

"Everything must come to dust. All things. Everything dies." _Even Rose Tyler _I think to myself grimly, as I watch the Dalek's crumble at my command. When the Master Dalek slowly crumbles like the rest of his army, I allow myself to dream. Always dreaming.

"The Time War ends," I finish. _And Izzy Saunders will be set free. _

I stand there with my arms wide open, welcoming myself to the real world, and welcoming the real world to me.

"Rose." This time, he's not exclaiming. He's reminding me that she is still there. Like a warning. "You've done it. Now stop. Just let go."

"How can I let go of this?" I ask myself again, but this time I hear it in Rose's voice. How can I possibly let go of this chance of freedom? How can he ask me to do such a thing? "I bring life." And I _am _life. And with a human body, I can do anything I want to do. To prove my point, I locate Jack's dead body in the gloomy tunnels of the satellite and breathe a tiny part of my soul into him. I feel him gasp, all life retuning to him in an instant.

"But this is wrong! You can't control life and death!"

_Says the man who spends his whole existence trying to do just that._

I'm about to repeat those words out loud, but to my surprise, Rose fights me for control, and unwillingly I give it to her. She moves our head sharply downwards to look him directly in the eyes. "But I can. The sun and the moon, the day and night." _Two opposites, but together making the whole. The Wolf._

Hearing Rose say those words, for I can tell he knows that Rose said them, seems to be the biggest shock so far for him. I can see his lips trembling, because this is a Rose that he can't understand. And this is a Rose that he never will understand. Because I have done what I came here to do. And now it is time for me to take my reward.

Now I start crowding in on Rose's consciousness, still enveloped inside my mind. Moving inwards, I will reduce the space left in the centre, until there is no more space and my consciousness has no choice but to squeeze hers, building up the pressure inside her mind until she finally bursts and what is left of her mind becomes mine.

"But why do they hurt?" Her voice starts to give way under the pressure, but I try not to listen to it. This is something I _have _to do, regardless of the consequences for Rose.

The Doctor can barely even look at us. His voice is so upset, so emotional, and so, so sorry. "The power's going to kill you and it's my fault." And it _is _his fault. Because he gave me permission to do this. His voice breaks my heart, because I can't bare to see him this sad. And for the second time, my lapse in concentration allows Rose's trembling consciousness to speak.

"I can see everything." He turns to look at her in astonishment. "All that is, all that was, all that ever could be," she whispers, her voice breaking. I know she can, because I'm slowly taking control of her mind, linking it to mine forever.

Getting to his feet, he looks at her with so such sympathy, so much compassion. "That's what I see. All the time. And doesn't it drive you mad?"

I will not take this anymore. I _cannot _take this anymore. He should be looking at _me _like that, not _her. _Not this human girl. _Me. _

With refreshed energy, I throw myself into my attack again, squeezing Rose's consciousness harder than ever before.

"My head," she squeaks as the pain intensifies.

"Come here," and he takes her hand.

"It's killing me." She cries as the pressure in her head reaches its highest possible level.

"I think you need a Doctor." And he leans in towards her face and places his lips on hers.

His eyes look straight into hers, right into the mind where I am fighting my battle. With all the power of a Time Lord, he draws me out of her mind and into his through his eyes, in the same way that a small child sucks drink through a straw.

_What is he doing?_

_Why is he doing this?_

_WHY IS HE DOING THIS TO ME?!_

As I enter into his mind, through the Doctor's eyes I watch him catch Rose as she falls into his arms. I allow my fury to take over his mind.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" I scream, and I feel his mind shake with the force of my energy and anger. "YOU TOLD ME I COULD TAKE HER BODY! YOU PROMISED ME FREEDOM!"

He is silent; he simply places Rose gently on the ground, before standing to his feet again.

"DOCTOR! ANSWER ME!" I yell, and I feel him wince inside his own head.

"I'm sorry Izzy. I just can't do that to her. Not another innocent soul. I'll find you another way of escape, I promise."

But his promises mean nothing to me now. They are as empty as my heart. Before I have time to answer him, he forces me out of his mind, breathing me out through his mouth back towards the blue box.

"No! Doctor, no! Please, don't do this to me!" I struggle against the force of his breath, but I'm simply not strong enough. "Don't do this to me!" But I feel myself rushing back towards the console of the box, sinking back into it, before the doors slam shut.

_I am the Tardis._

_For now and forever._

And even as I sob, crouched tightly in the centre of the box, I can feel the Doctor's gaze on me. He is sorry; he is always so, so sorry.

_But sorry means nothing to me anymore._


	8. Chapter 7: Loss

Regenerating.

"Doctor, no", I cry, tears streaming down my face. I see my hands, resting on his shoulders. I want to shake him as hard as I can, but out of the wires, the lights, the walls and the floor, I'm still just a projection. An image. No touch.

He looks at me, while Rose is still on the floor, coming back to life again. Her, not me.

"I'm sorry, Izzy", he says and smiles. As always, both happy and sorry. "I had to save her."

It feels like my heart gets ripped out of my body.

"But what about me?"

I can see that the last of the Time Lords is sorry. So very sorry.

"I couldn't", is all he says. I can feel the regeneration in his body, claiming cell after cell, preventing him from death, but changing his face. "I just could not let it happen to another innocent girl."

My projection-fingernails dig into his shoulders, but he will never be able to feel it. I won't be ever able to feel him, feel anything. "You promised to find a way."

"I will find a way, but this one wasn't the right path." Although his hands sink through my arms, as if they were thin air, he takes them anyway. "Izzy, trust me. I _will _find a way. I promised you and I will never let you down, but you have to give me more time."

"900 years, Doctor. You had 900 years." I can't look at him anymore. My head just drops, I'm tired. So tired. "How long do I have to wait?"

I feel him starting to tremble, the Regeneration is close now. Minutes, maybe only moments left, until he changes his face again.

"Izzy, I don't know." His voice is full of hope; he wants me to look at him. "Not now. But we will find a way soon."

Rose moans softly and the Doctor turns to her. "How is she?", he asks.

I don't need to scan her, I _know _she will survive. We've been linked with such a strong bond, her absorbing the Time Vortex, I just seem to know. "She's fine. Almost awake." The fury in my stomach is boiling, about to awake, too.

Just a blink and I stand right beside Rose. When she opens her eyes, a moment later, I would've been the first thing she sees. But I'm invisible to everyone except the Doctor.

"You were supposed to save me." My whisper is full of destroyed hopes and dreams. I've never wanted to kill someone in my life before, but this time, I'm close.

"Don't", warns the Doctor as quiet as he can, so only I can hear him. He stands right next to the main console, fighting the Regeneration back as long as he can. He wants to see Rose with his own eyes one more time, before everything will change. He would give everything for her.

He took my life instead of hers.

Rose sits up abruptly, while we're still on the way to London.

"What happened?", are her first words.

"Don't you remember?"

She thinks about it; I can see her brain working, trying to get all the memories into the right order, try to find logic and sense in it. She's so human, it hurts and my arms fold around my body to keep me from falling apart. "It's like... there was a singing."

I watch her closely, hoping she'll remember not only the sound of the Time Vortex, overcoming her body, but also the words I spoke to her.

The Doctor looks at me for just a second and then answers "That's right. I sang a song and the Daleks ran away." His smile is there, but fainting. The regeneration crawls up his body and he won't be able to stop it much longer.

Rose is still sitting on the floor, connecting the different things that happened but as I watch her, I can see that she has forgotten everything about me.

"I was at home." She's confused. "No... I wasn't, I was in the Tardis."

"You were supposed to save me", I whisper, kneeling down to touch her temple. There. I was there, almost free. Almost able to step out of my blue prison, breathing air with my own lungs again. "But you didn't keep your promise, Rose Tyler."

"... and... there was this light." Everything she remembers is the Vortex. Just the endless stream of time, too big for her tiny human brain.

The Doctor suddenly looks down on his hand and a terrified look slips over his face for just a glimpse. I blink and stand next to him. "I swore I would never witness you, regenerating, again", I say, still very quiet.

"I can't remember anything else", Rose mumbles, watching the Doctor.

But he regards me, looking concerned and sorry. He is always sorry.

Rose words fuel my fury and I put my hand over the Doctors glowing fingers. "You betrayed me. And now you're making me watch you die again. Why?" I hate myself for crying again but I just can't bear the sight of him, leaving me so soon after his last regeneration.

And then he turns. Turns away from me, facing his little human girl.

His smile is humorous as he says her name, savouring the taste on those lips for the last time. "Rose Tyler."

I slip away from him, my power twirling in my body, in the Tardis. I won't watch him. I can't. I'm gonna crash the box, the three of us, right into London, killing us all.

I have to put an end to it.

"I was gonna take you to so many places. Barcelona?! Not the city Barcelona – the _planet_. You would love it." His words tumble from his lips very fast now. He is short on time.

Rose looks at him and I see what I saw so many times before. The sudden realisation, that something is utterly wrong.

"Fantastic place. They've got dogs with no noses." He laughs but in my ears it sounds fake.

"Stop it", I beg, pressing my projection-hands on to my projection-ears but it doesn't work. It'll never work. "Please, Doctor. Stop it."

Rose sensed the paradox and she keeps on track, without paying attention to the Doctors stupid joke, his desperate laugh. "Then why can't we go?"

I collapse into the comforting structure of the Tardis, vanishing from the Doctors sight. But he can still hear me, hear my crying. "Please, don't leave me. Doctor, please don't."

"Maybe you will. And maybe I will", he says, looking at Rose but I know, he's talking to me too. It's always a risk, coming back. Not only for him, but for me as well. "But not like this." His face turns to the monitor, trying to find out how I feel, if I am still stable. If I am still able to get Rose safely back to London.

I know what he sees. My emotions are like a storm.

Rose stands up; I can see it on her face: she's still worried what is wrong, but the Doctors jokes eased her. "You're not making sense."

"I might never make sense again. I might have two ends. Or no end." He laughs again, looking for my projection without irritating Rose, but he won't find me.

I'm lost in the cacophony of shattered possibilities and the agony of the Doctor's regeneration. Words slipping from my mouth, over and over again. "Stop. Please, Doctor. Make it stop. Don't leave me."

But he's not able to speak to me. He would never break his golden rule, revealing any other living being, that the heart of the Tardis is a girl.

"Imagine me with no end!" It works and Rose smiles. And at the same moment as me, he realises that he can't run away from the Regeneration any longer. "And don't say that's an improvement."

I stop talking, looking up. In the end, I am always forced to watch. I am the Tardis, I am his travelling machine. I am the only one, who stays with him forever.

"But it's a bit dodgy, this process." Rose smile faints. "You never know what you might end up with."

With a strike, the Regeneration forces him to change. He tumbles back, covered in yellow-orange light. I materialize right beside him.

The human girl starts herself towards him. "Doctor!"

"Stay away!", he commands. His face is full of pain, because he's still holding back the change.

My fingers rest on his shoulder, I am the only one allowed to stay with him. "I'm here."

"Doctor", Rose begs. "Tell me what's going on."

"I absorbed all the energy, the Time Vortex. And no one's meant to do that." He's fighting for words.

My voice is calm; this is the part, where the machine is in charge, not me. My purpose is to help him and although I'm screaming internally, I'm not able to take my eyes off of him.

"Let go, Doctor."

He relaxes a little bit and almost accepts it. "Every cell in my body is dying."

Rose still tries to understand what's happening; she's feared and confused at the same time. "Can't you do something?"

Finally, the Tardis, the machine Tardis, starts to gather its energy, easing the Doctor's resistance against the Regeneration, forcing him to let it go. "You can't wait any longer or else you won't see her ever again."

"Yeah, doing it know. Time Lords have this little trick. It's ... it's all the way cheating death."

"Doctor", my voice commands. "You have to let it happen now."

But he wants to explain it to Rose and I can understand him, although I'm still mad and furious, I'm lost and desperate, I take over the power of the Tardis, flipping off the auto pilot system.

The Doctor feels the change, feels the power, suddenly helping him resist a bit more instead of tearing him down. "I can hold it back, but only seconds. Hurry, Doctor, and tell her everything she needs to know."

As I look down on his arm, where I rested my invisible hands, he puts his own over mine. He knows I'm here. And he is grateful.

"Except", he pauses. "It means I'm gonna change. And I'm not gonna see you again."

The human girl is in shock, unable to say a single word.

He tries to make it easier for her. "Not like this. Not with this daft old face. And before I go..."

Rose takes a step towards us. "Don't say that!"

"Rose", he says, keeping his head up high.

I can feel his seconds, running away from him. "Now", I whisper, closing my eyes, but keeping my hands on him. I feel the energy of the Regeneration, like a storm. There is no holding back now and I prepare myself for the light, the raw power.

In the darkness behind my closed eyelids, I hear his words.

"Before I go I wanted to tell you, you were fantastic. Absolutely fantastic." His voice trembles, full of feelings and for a second I imagine, he's talking to me, too. "And you know what?"

The first wave of power hits me and I grasp the Doctors arm, touching the surface of his energy. And as I open my eyes, his last words fall from his lips with a smile.

"So was I."

The very next moment, we both are encircled by the orange-yellow light, his form stretching and changing. I cling to him, watching him fade and whispering my goodbyes, as he starts his tenth life, different, but still the same.

_As long the universe is willing to keep us alive. _


	9. Chapter 8: The Christmas Invasion

You'd think that after witnessing the Doctor regenerate eight times already, I would be used to it. Used to seeing his face change so completely that, if I didn't know better, I would never believe that it was the same man. But I'm not. For the first few hours, it always feels like I'm talking to a completely different person. A person who stole all of his memories and made them his own.

I rush to the Doctor's side, where he is standing in the same place as he was just prior to the regeneration.

"Doctor, are you ok?" I ask him, nervousness creeping up on me. I've never tried to hold back the regeneration in that way before and I have no idea if that will have changed the process in any way. Deep down, I know I shouldn't have done that for him, and I'm not exactly sure why I did it since my anger at him still hasn't ebbed away completely. But I did, and now I just hope that everything went the way it should have, even with the delay.

Instead of reacting to my question, he acts like he hasn't heard me speak at all. Instead he turns and grins at Rose, who is still standing by my doors in a state of shock and confusion. _So very human _I think to myself, and then I have to turn away because the thought of all those unlived days that I could have had in Rose's body is too much for my heart to take.

"Hello. Okay. Ooo, new teeth. That's weird. So, where was I? Oh, that's right. Barcelona!" he says, testing out his new voice, his new mouth, teeth and new everything else. Rose continues to stare at him in complete shock. I can understand why. If I'm not used to the Doctor's regenerations, the girl who has travelled with him since the very beginning, then how can anyone expect Rose, a simple human girl who has only travelled with the Doctor for a few months, to understand what has just happened? Although my feelings towards Rose are mixed right now, I feel slightly sorry for her and I wish I could at least comfort her and tell her that everything is ok and that the man who is standing in front of her, the man who just emerged from the bright energy, is still the same man that I know she loves.

Tentatively, I reach out with my mind towards hers, testing to see if our special connection as the Bad Wolf has left behind any kind of connection between us. With a surprise, I realise that there is a connection of some sorts between us. But it is a different kind of connection from what we experienced before. Shock. Bewilderment. Confusion. Fear. I can access all of her emotions, her very human emotions, running through her mind, a mind that I wish was mine to control.

"Rose?" I question quietly, but she doesn't react. She can't hear me. I don't think she'll ever be able to hear me again. It was clear before the Doctor regenerated that she couldn't remember me or what happened when we were the Bad Wolf, but now that is confirmed, my heart sinks further. Still maintaining the connection between us, I glance over my shoulder at the Doctor who is running his hands through his hair, the longer length confusing him. He seems agitated, and not just because his body is different. I know that, because I've witnessed eight of these regenerations before this one, and I've never seen that particular look on his face.

Something feels wrong. I don't know that for certain, but after 900 years of traveling like this, I've grown to trust my intuitions. But we're still standing in the space station and, even though the danger here is gone, I know that we have to get out of here and somewhere safer for the Doctor. Before something happens. Even though I'm not sure what that 'something' would be.

Trusting my intuitions, I probe into Rose's mind through the connection, directing her thoughts into a pattern that tells her to encourage the Doctor to fly me away from here. I have no idea if it will work but shortly after, to my immense satisfaction, Rose turns towards the Doctor.

"Doctor…if…if that is who you are…I think we need to leave…" she says, her voice trembling with uncertainty.

"Leave? Ah yes, leave!" he exclaims, bursting into action, running around the console. Then, just as suddenly as he started, he stops, frozen on the spot. "But where do you want to go?" The words start spilling out of his mouth, unstoppable. "So many places, so many universes, so many galaxies! So many planets, just waiting to be explored! We could go to Arcateen! Did you know they have butterfly people on Arcateen? I mean, real butterfly people! People with butterfly wings! How crazy is that!" Seemingly decided on this destination, he runs towards the relevant console controls, before spinning back to face Rose again. "Or we could go to Brus! Brus is amazing! Has this white mist that is constantly rolling along the ground! Ever dreamed of walking on a cloud? It feels like you are when you walk on Brus!" He pauses, only to take a breath, before starting again. "Or we can go to Hydropellica Hydroxi! Funny name; Hydropellica Hydroxi." He repeats the name a third time, tasting each syllable on his tongue and his lips. "Hydropellica Hydroxi. They have…"

"Doctor, stop!" cries out Rose, and I can tell by her voice that she's trying not to cry. "Just take me home. Please."

"Oh." He stops, scrutinising her carefully. "You sure?" She doesn't answer, just nods before looking down at the floor of the blue box. Even looking at him is confusing for her right now.

I can understand that too. I don't like looking at Rose, because that brings so many feelings to the surface, but I don't like looking at the Doctor too. Everything about him is new to me right now. I wish he hadn't had to regenerate. I had only just gotten used to his last face and I had hoped he would keep it for a while, but since when has the universe listened to my wishes?

"Home it is then," he replies and he pulls down on a lever to his right, activating my engines. "Earth, here we come!"

But something is wrong. The Doctor doesn't seem to notice, but as we come closer to the surface of Earth, we bounce of a block of flats, then two more in quick succession, then narrowly missing a post office van before finally crashing into a set of waste bins. Even though he may not drive this box in the most professional way, together we've always been able to fly in a straight line. But this time, it's like his mind is distracted. I cast my mind back to the regeneration, wondering what effect that delay had on his body, absentmindedly rubbing my stomach where my box made contact with the outside world.

I swing open my doors, noticing that we're on the Powell Estate and that Jackie and Mickey are running frantically towards us. Seeing their faces just makes me angry. Oh, how I wish that it was me who had a family, a boyfriend. And the fact that I was _so close _yet so far makes me want to scream.

The Doctor walks steadily over to my open doors. "Here we are then, London. Earth. The Solar System. We did it." Looking out onto the streets, he spots our visitors. "Jackie. Mickey. Blimey! No, no, no, no, hold on. Wait there. I've got something to say." Scratching his head, he tries desperately to remember the information. "There was something I had to tell you, something important. What was it?" Everyone looks at him like he's gone crazy. "No, hold on, hold on. Hold on, shush, shush, shush, shush. Oh, I know!" Looking straight ahead, with pride in his voice, he pronounces, "Merry Christmas!" Before promptly collapsing on the floor.

"Doctor!" I scream, running to his side and crouching down next to him. And it breaks my heart to watch Rose and her family carry him away and, no matter how hard I push against the barriers of my doors, I cannot follow him.

_Everything will be ok _a voice says in my head. I cling to those words, repeating them over and over again.

_Everything will be ok._

_Everything will be ok._

Maybe if I keep saying it, it will be true.

_Everything will be ok._

_As long as the universe is willing to keep us alive._


	10. Chapter 9: Promises

"Izzy." The Doctor regards me, smiling gently. His face has changed but the smile hasn't. So sad, so sorry. "We need to talk."

It is later the same day, Christmas Day to be precise. Only a few hours have passed since the Doctor collapsed at the doors of my prison, but it feels like a whole lifetime. Not that I know what a lifetime feels like anymore. I'll never live a normal lifetime again.

The Doctor is watching me; he is cool and calm despite the events of the day. He is waiting for me to respond, but I know I can make him wait a few more minutes before I have to face this talk of his. I know he wants to talk about what happened with Rose at the satellite but I'm not sure I'm ready to revisit those painful memories. Yet.

_You can't let him get away with what he did_ that stubborn voice in my head says. I take a deep breath. I should be living in a physical body now. I was _so _close and the Doctor took that away from me. I will revisit those memories if I have to, if only for the reason that he needs to know how rejected I feel. How disappointed and – _betrayed. _

I release the breath that I had stored in my lungs in one gentle stream.

_But not now._

He can wait for that conversation, just like I've waited for freedom.

I close my eyes, replaying the events of the day in my mind.

* * *

When Rose, Jackie and Mickey carry the Doctor away, I fade back into the heart of the Tardis, my haven inside this prison, and let the tears flood out of my eyes. I cry not only for my Doctor, desperately hoping that my action of delaying the regeneration hadn't harmed him too much, but for myself, for all the days I could have had in Rose's body, for all the hope that had left me in the instant that the Doctor had forced me back into this prison after extracting me from Rose's mind, leaving me empty inside. I lose myself in my grief, unconsciously shutting down all the systems of the blue box. I am dimly aware of people running in and out of my doors, but I try not to focus on them because it hurts too much to watch them pass straight through the barrier of those doors like it is only thin air, knowing that I'll never have that ability.

I watch Rose though our connection, the only thing I still have the energy to do.

"I don't understand what they're saying," she says, though I have no idea who she's talking about. Not that I care right now either. "The Tardis translates alien languages inside my head, all the time, wherever I am." I feel her confusion but, for once today, I'm not confused at all. I know exactly why it's not working.

"So, why isn't it doing it now?" says Mickey. I can't see him; I just hear his voice as Rose hears it.

"I don't know. Must be the Doctor. Like he's part of the circuit, and he's…he's broken."

_I'm the one who's broken. _

_And I don't know if I will ever be whole again._

Not even the sight of the Doctor, carried back into the Tardis by Rose, Jackie and Mickey, can lift my spirits, because this Doctor is a new Doctor, not mine. Not yet, anyway.

I hear Rose explain why she can't fly the Tardis again. "It's sort of been wiped out of my head, like it's forbidden. Try that again and I think the universe rips in half."

_The universe, or my heart? _I burrow deeper into the heart of the Tardis, as if it were possible to hide from the pain and the grief. Even though I know I can't.

I don't even notice when Jackie leaves, or when the Tardis moves. The only thing I notice is Rose's scream and, when I open my eyes, not my projection eyes but my eyes from inside the box, I realise that somehow, I've been moved to a Sycorax ship.

"Rose?" questions Mickey, before dropping his flask of tea and running out of my doors after his girlfriend. The Doctor is still lying on the floor but right now I don't have the energy to care, so I close my eyes again, welcoming the darkness. I keep one ear on the outside world though, just in case something were to happen to Rose. As stupid as it sounds, she is important to me now, despite the fact that all the hope I ever had by her presence has dissipated.

"You're talking English!" exclaims Rose a few minutes later. Inside my haven, I sit up sharply. How can that be?

"I would never dirty my tongue with your primitive bile," spits out the Sycorax.

"That's English. Can you hear English?" Rose questions, in shock. I'm in shock too. I thought I shut down all the Tardis systems?

"Yeah, that's English," confirms Mickey.

"Definitely English," answers another man, someone who I don't even recognise.

"If I can hear English, then it's being translated. Which means it's working. Which means…" Rose trails off.

_Means what? _I think, frustrated. _Come on Rose, what does it mean? How can that be? _I probe deeper through our connection, trying to find out what is going on.

In fact, I'm so focused on Rose that I barely notice when the Doctor jumps up, awakening from his coma, if that is the right term, and runs out of my doors. For a second, I can hardly understand what just happened. Then I notice the tea, spilling drop by drop through the grate on the floor, sinking into my system. Enough caffeine to jumpstart my system into completing the Doctor's regeneration without me even realising it. Suddenly I start to laugh. I may be trapped inside this box but I'm still human, an English girl with a love of tea! Then I think back on my life when I was a real human girl, not just an image of one trapped in a box, and my laughter slowly dies away to nothing. Leaving me with nothing but silence.

When we land back on the surface of Earth again, Rose runs off to join her family, leaving the Doctor and me alone for the first time since he prevented me from taking over Rose's body.

* * *

"Izzy?" The Doctor repeats my name for a second time and I slowly open my eyes again to meet his, bringing me back to the present. I guess the time has come for us to have this conversation.

"I'm listening," I reply, trying to hide all my emotions behind a mask so that I appear calm and collected on the outside, despite the reality of what is flowing within me. I guess it wasn't as sturdy as I had hoped, because the Doctor sees right through it.

"You're angry at me." It's not a question, it's a statement.

"Wouldn't you be?" I retort, my hands clenching into fists by my side.

He runs his hand though his hair again, sighing. "Yes. Yes, I suppose I would be." He starts pacing around the console but I continue to stay where I am. My only movement comes from my head, following him as he moves back and forth. Then he turns to look at me, desperation in his eyes. "I didn't know what else to do, Izzy!" He looks at me, almost pleading. "She's just a girl! What else was I supposed to do?"

_Just a girl._ Those words send anger flooding through my holographic veins. "Just a girl?" My voice rises. "Just a girl?! Then what am I?"

He holds my gaze. "Oh, Izzy." He comes towards me, his hand brushing through my arm as he reaches out to touch me but, as always, fails. I know he's doing this to try and reassure me that he still cares, but it just makes it even more obvious to me that I am a projection, nothing more.

"Izzy Saunders," he continues. "You are so much more than 'just a girl'. You are human, but not just an ordinary human. The best human on Earth. The only one to be absorbed by the Time Vortex and not only survive, but control it. You are so special, my dear Izzy." He looks deep into my eyes, and I look back into his, his eyes like pools of sorrow. "Never forget that."

I want to believe him. I want to believe that he means every word he just said. But I can't say that I do. "Then why did you save her rather than me?" I ask, my voice trembling with anger and emotion. "Why did you save her if I'm so special, so very _dear _to you?"

He takes a step back, looking away from my strong gaze and focusing on the floor in front of him. "I couldn't do that to her. Not another innocent human girl. Not again."

"You let it happen to _me_ though. You didn't try and save me!"

"Izzy, I tried to warn you not to kick the box. I was…too slow, too late. Don't you know how much I regret that?" For a second there is only silence, and when he looks up at me again, there are glistening tears in each of his eyes. "And don't say that I'm not trying to save you, because every second of every day, you are on my mind. You always have been. I told you before; my actions that day broke both of my hearts."

"_You _broke your promise," I retaliate. "You told me that I could take Rose's body and have a good life, not only for myself, but for _you. _And you know what?" I throw my last words out of my mouth, directing them in his direction like bullets. "That broke _my _heart."

He turns away from me, walking slowly in the opposite direction before flopping down on some steps in the corner of the console room, burying his head in his hands.

"I thought I was going to die, Izzy," he murmurs, his voice just escaping through the gaps in his fingers. "I didn't care about that. I knew I wouldn't be able to regenerate if I was exterminated by many daleks at once, but I didn't even care. All I cared about was _you._" He looks at me again, wiping the tears from his eyes, and the look of desperation on his face is enough to break my heart all over again. "If I died, what would happen to you, Izzy? I promised you I would get you out of the box. If I died, you'd just be left there, all on your own for eternity. Don't you know, Izzy, that you being stuck here without me is one of my greatest fears?"

For a second, I wonder if he ever realised that being stuck _with him_ as this blue box for eternity is one of _my _greatest fears. But I brush that aside quickly. I have the common sense not to voice that aloud right now.

"In that moment," he continues, "you were worth so much more than Rose. That's why I said you could take her body." Suddenly he stands up again and the desperation in his eyes vanishes, self-belief and strength taking its place. "But don't you see, Izzy? I lived! You and Rose made sure of that. And because of that, you still had hope because you still had me. In that moment, Rose had no one."

"So you saved her over me," I finish, materialising from my position by the wall to his side.

My materialisation doesn't even make him jump; more differences between this Doctor and his previous incarnation. "I will find a way to save you, Izzy, please believe me. But that was not the right way. Not at the cost of another life."

"Yeah, just at the cost of mine," I murmur bitterly.

For the second time, he looks deep into my eyes. "What if it had been the other way around? If Rose had been my blue box and you had been the human companion she tried to take over, and I had done nothing to prevent it, would you have ever forgiven me?"

I remain silent.

"Izzy, Rose is no different from you."

Somehow, on some level, I think that he's right.

_Apart from the fact that she has a life and I am a machine._

His voice cracks with emotion. "As long as I'm around, I will never stop trying to help you."

_As long as the universe is willing to keep us alive._

"But you will be around for a long time, Doctor. How long do I have to wait?" I don't even wait for his reply; sinking back into the heart of the box, his eyes never leaving mine as I vanish from his sight.


	11. Chapter 10: Forgiveness

_Izzy, Rose is no different from you._

I spend the next few weeks pondering this. Even though, somewhere deep inside, I don't want this to be true, the evidence before me shows me that it is.

And here is the greatest of all that evidence. She is human. I am human…_was_ human…no, _am _human. I may be a prisoner inside a blue box. I may be at the heart of the Time Vortex, able to see the whole of time and space if I so wished. I may be a space ship and time machine, able to travel _anywhere _in this big, wide, beautiful universe. But at my core I am still Izzy Saunders. Human. Despite the fact that Rose and I are in very different situations, because of that one word – human – I have a connection with her that I'll never have with the Doctor.

And that is not the only connection that we share. Even though she will never hear my voice again, never remember that there is a girl at the heart of the Tardis, I have exclusive access to all of her thoughts and emotions. Wherever she is, I am because, through her, I am able to hear everything going on around her. And I can influence her, just like I did when I pushed her into asking the Doctor to move me away from the satellite.

The Doctor and I had almost lost Rose once. We were on New New Earth, and Cassandra had managed to infiltrate Rose's mind, compressing her in much the same way that I had once done myself. I had heard her cries through our connection, her very human brain screaming out with the pressure of another's mind forcing itself on hers. I had shut my ears to the sound, because I didn't want to remember that _I _had once caused a similar pain. When the Doctor and Rose had dealt with Cassandra, I vowed that I would never do something like that to Rose again.

Rose has the life that I always wished I had, and I never thought I would forgive her for that. But, and I can't believe I'm saying this, I find myself starting to _like _her. Once, I had resented the fact that the Doctor needed Rose. I had been jealous, because I wanted him to need _me. _But now, I realise that I need Rose too.

Resentment and jealousy are ingredients needed to make a bitter person. And I don't want to be bitter anymore. I just want to be me again. Izzy. Human.

But that is not the only thing that has made me realise that life is too short to be wasted on wallowing in self-pity, hidden away in the heart of this box. There is something else. The Doctor. Over the last few weeks, he has done so much for me, more than I ever thought he would, risking so much for the girl at the heart of his ship. I stopped fighting against him, because he started fighting for me.

When he found out that the Krillitane could solve the Paradigm with his help, allowing him to shape the very fabric of the universe, he did something I never thought he would do. I had expected him to leap into action, defending the universe and the way it was created, exclaiming loudly with all the confidence of a Time Lord that re-writing the laws of the universe is not only a bad idea, but _wrong. _But he didn't. He had listened to everything Finch had told him, before slowly murmuring, "I could save everyone."

But I knew that he was not thinking of 'everyone.' He was thinking of me. Re-writing the laws of the universe? That's a fool-proof way of saving me from captivity. But I knew it was wrong. I am only a human girl. I should not be saved at the cost of the whole universe, and I knew it. I had intervened through Rose, making sure that, at all costs, he did not go ahead with this plan. But in my head, I thanked him deeply. He had been willing to risk the whole Earth just to save me. The importance of that was not lost on me.

When he returned to my blue box, he whispered in my direction when Rose was not looking, "I could have saved you."

"You knew you could not risk one innocent soul to save me," I had said, looking in Rose's direction. "I knew you could not risk the whole Earth."

His smile had softened as he followed my gaze to look at Rose, before looking back at me. "Thank you."

And my heart had opened up for him a little more.

And then I had died.

It feels weird thinking about that, because I cannot remember it at all. For obvious reasons. All I remember is a blinding light, before I entered into darkness. And not the familiar darkness of my prison, but a cold darkness. Cold and alone. Dead.

All I remember is materialising back into the console room. But it wasn't a normal materialisation. Believe me, I know what that feels like by now, and this one didn't feel anything like it usually does. It felt like I had been hidden away somewhere in the Tardis even _I _cannot reach, and someone had tied a safety rope around my waist and pulled me back into the console room, back to safety. Though of course, I hadn't been in the Tardis at all. In fact, I hadn't even been able to remember _where _I had been.

I had looked around the familiar console room, my projection flickering as I battled through the dizziness and disorientation. Gradually, I regained my senses enough to maintain my projection and spotted the Doctor crouched down by a grate set into my floor. Before I had a chance to say anything he jumped up, happiness practically radiating off him, finding its way into my heart, causing me to smile.

"Izzy!" he had exclaimed, running to my side. "You're back! You're alive! Izzy, you're here!" His eyes gleamed with excitement. "When the Time Vortex vanished, I thought you had gone forever! But you're _Izzy Saunders, _the most amazing, most important human being in existence, and I knew you would never give up! I _knew _it!"

"W…what?" His words had made no sense to me, and I remember wondering if my brain was more damaged than I had initially thought. Because I am the Tardis. There is nothing that doesn't make sense to me. After all, I can see the whole of time and space if I allow it to enter my mind. Simple words uttered by the Doctor _should _make sense to me.

He had looked at me carefully, but the happiness in his eyes was still not erased. "Ahh…I should have realised that you wouldn't remember what happened."

"_What _happened?"

"If I tell you, you have to remember that it happened in the past, and you are here now. Ok?"

I had nodded, apprehension suddenly weighing my heart down.

He had spoken softly, slowly and gently. "Something impossible happened. The Time Vortex just…well…vanished. Gone. Poof! I'm still not exactly sure why. But you know, the Time Vortex and you…well…" He had trailed off, looking uncomfortable.

"It swallowed me," I had muttered. "It's ok, you can say it."

"Yes, well, without it, it created this paradox you see. Because if the Time Vortex hadn't had existed, then it never could have…swallowed…you. And in this teeny, tiny moment, it stopped existing."

"You mean…I was _free?_" Disbelief was written all over my face. "How could I have been _free? _I don't even remember being free. I'm sure that's something would remember!"

The Doctor had shifted slightly, obviously uncomfortable. "'Free' is not the word I would use. Because you and the Time Vortex are so closely linked now. It didn't just swallow you. You _control _the Time Vortex now. You already know that, Izzy. So when it died…"

My mouth had suddenly felt dry, parched of all moisture, and so it had been hard to utter the next words. "I…I _died?"_

He had nodded slowly. "Without you controlling my box, we crashed. We landed in a parallel universe. Parallel to Rose's own, I mean. We had to battle all these Cybermen there, fancy them showing up again, eh? Anyway, that's not important. I thought you had died – forever. I even tried kicking you to make you angry, just to see if that would make you materialise in front of me." The corners of his lips had turned upwards slightly at the memory. "I know that makes you angry. But I would have done anything to see you again in that moment, even if it was you screaming at me."

I had wanted to speak, but my mind couldn't locate the words. It was like they were flying through my mind so quickly, so many questions, so many emotions all at once, but I couldn't grasp hold of a single one. So I had remained silent. Waiting to hear the rest.

"Without you, I thought I was trapped on that parallel Earth. Trapped." He had looked at me and smiled his familiar smile, so happy, yet sad and sorry at the same time. "I always knew you were trapped here, Izzy. But believe me, that word took on a whole new meaning for me that day. Maybe I can understand some of that desperation now?"

The end of his last sentence had been pitched slightly higher, not a statement, yet not fully a question either. More like he understood that he could never claim to understand how I felt, but now he may have an idea.

"But then I found you! A light, shining brightly under the grate of the floors. It was you, Izzy! Oh, I have never felt so happy in my life! I have no idea how you managed to get into that single light, but somehow you did. I wish you could remember what happened because – well, that was brilliant!"

"I moved into a light?" I had been even more confused, if that had been possible. "How did I do that? How is that possible, if I had died?"

"I wish I knew, Izzy, I wish I knew. But you were weak. You were clinging onto life, with one little ounce of reality tucked away inside. I needed to give you energy. So I did." He had turned to face me, and flashed me a big smile. "I cupped you in my hands and gave away ten years of my life to save you. Worth every single second. And I kissed you to activate it. All you had to do was re-charge. And you did. And now you are here!"

_Gave away ten years of my life to save you. _

_ Worth every single second._

I had felt like I was spinning, my heart pouring out love to this man in front of me. "You _saved _me? You did all that for _me?"_

He had looked embarrassed then, trying to hide the blush that was creeping up his cheeks. "I wouldn't say I saved you. Somehow you did that yourself. I just gave you the energy to recharge."

Words hadn't been enough to cover all the gratitude that was in my heart at that moment. I beamed back at him, the biggest smile I had smiled in a long, long time. "Thank you, Doctor!"

He smiled back at me, warm and friendly. "Thank _you, _Izzy. For being strong enough to hang on in there. You and me, such an unlikely team, yet such a perfect one."

_As long as the universe is willing to keep us alive._

And if we had the ability of touch, we would have hugged right then. But he stroked one of the levers on the console, and it felt like he was touching my arm.

Later that night, as I was resting in my haven, I connected with Rose. I had to see if she knew anything about what had happened. Maybe she knew how I had been able to move into a small light hidden under a grate. The events had flashed through my mind as I accessed them. What I found shocked me more than I can ever express.

_My ship bursting into flames. Hurtling down towards the parallel universe because there was nothing to keep us moving through time anymore. The crash as my box made impact with the surface of this different Earth. Rose, falling onto the grate with the impact. Her very special human mind streaming me, through our connection, from the central cylinder down to the light hidden directly below where she was lying. The Doctor's face, staring at my central cylinder, which was no longer moving up and down. No longer breathing. His words._

_ "She's dead. The Tardis is dead." His voice, desperate. Sad. Hopeless. Lonely._

_ Rose's reply. "You can fix it?" Sounding like a question, and everyone thought it was. But it wasn't. It was a statement. Because she knew the Doctor could fix me. Because she had saved me. Even though she didn't even know she had done it, nor did she have any knowledge of me._

I smile at the memory. Rose and the Doctor had saved me, and I feel at peace, an emotion I never imagined experiencing a few weeks ago. And the thing is, that was not the only time the Doctor had saved me recently. We had been inside a Sanctuary Base where we encountered this strange writing that not even I could read. And that is saying something. But the part of the base where I was standing, waiting for the Doctor's return, collapsed, tumbling deep into the planet, taking me with it. I had thought I would never see him again. But he came for me. He descended right to the heart of the planet just to save me.

I do not doubt that the Doctor cares for me now. He has shown me that, and more. I glance over at Rose and the Doctor, who are chatting excitedly because we are visiting Jackie and Mickey today. That was my idea. Rose deserved to spend some time with her loved ones, after everything she had done for me. That shows me how much my attitude has changed in the last few weeks. I feel like a brand new person. A brand new Izzy. Because I realised the most important thing in this universe, thanks to Rose and the Doctor.

_I may be trapped inside a blue box._

_ But I am alive._


	12. Chapter 11: Doomsday

_Cybermen. _

_Daleks._

_Time War. _

_How can a human know about it? _

My fingers tremble, though they are not real. My cheek touches the wall of my prison while I listen to thoughts that are not mine. When I close my eyes, I see Daleks. And Cybermen.

_Rose. _

"She knows because of me," I whisper to myself, to Rose, who can't hear me. To the Doctor, who can't hear me either. Nobody can hear me.

I hear the Doctor talk, fast. He has a plan.

Once again, Planet Earth is in danger. And I am, once again, just a spectator sitting in the front row, frozen like an ancient human in the never melting ice.

I hit the wall of my prison, but nothing happens. My hand explodes into these little orange sparks, before reappearing just a moment later.

I know the Doctor's voice. And even though I can't see him, I know it is risky. Because he only ever sounds this enthusiastic when something is this risky.

Something churns deep inside me. A never ending war.

Unease spreads through my veins and, in a matter of a few seconds, I suddenly feel different from how I usually feel. It is normal to know that the Doctor is in danger. Since that link with Rose was created, I can at least watch him from a distance. Still a spectator, but not completely isolated.

It takes me a moment to realise that those feelings, the ones that feel so different from my own, are actually Rose's. I've been so near her throughout the day that a massive outburst of her feelings tingle my senses.

She's afraid. The Doctor is close, so is Mickey and her family, but she is so very, very afraid that I reach inside my own heart to steady myself for a moment.

I can hear the Doctor.

"Time Lord science. It's bigger on the inside."

"The Time Lords put the Daleks in there", Mickey says, sounding determined, though there is nothing to fight – yet. "What for?"

The Doctor's voice is dark, realisation colours it, gravely sad and angry at the same time. "It's a prison ship."

Rose asks the question that I could answer easily. Because I know the Doctor. I know his voice. And I know his past.

"How many Daleks?"

I close my eyes, briefly. Fear washes through me, reminding me of another time, another Doctor and the same Rose. "Millions", I whisper to myself.

"Millions", repeats the Doctor.

Screams erupt from the surface of earth. Human cries and the sounds of deathly weapons, Daleks and Cybermen alike. The cacophony projected in my brain superimposes the words of Rose's father. A man from another universe.

The void is open, I can feel it. Can feel the gaping hole in the fabric of time and space. It tries to pull me in, because the machine I am now is more powerful than all Daleks and Cybermen together.

Rose is worried about the Doctor because he's still standing at the window and watching the war outside.

But when Peter calls for him, he turns and there is something I can't ignore: a fake smile. In all those years he had time to practise it, make it almost perfect. But there is this look in his eyes which is not quite right. Rose seems to feel it too, but the Doctor is good at reassuring her when it comes down to her safety. And I know it is.

I close my eyes and, as Rose blinks, I'm there with her, watching the scene.

"Well isn't anyone going to ask? What is it with the glasses?" The Doctor smiles.

And Rose has already forgotten her worries. Because a smiling Doctor means hope. "What is it with the glasses?" she asks and, despite the danger, she's ready for another breathtaking Time Lord solution.

He explains the void and that both the Cybermen and the Daleks came through it. The 3D glasses make it visible and when he puts them onto Rose's nose I can imagine what she'll see.

_"Reboot in 3 minutes," _the computer announces. Plenty of time for the Doctor, I know that, but...

"What is it?" Rose asks when she looks at the green and read little sparks around the Doctor's funny moving frame.

"Void stuff." He turns her around to show her the effect on Mickey, her Dad from the parallel universe and her mother. Jackie is the only one who is 'clean' because she didn't travel through the void.

"Doctor," I whisper, but my voice is stuck back in the Tardis. He can't hear me.

"But the Daleks lived in the void, they are bristling with it." The Doctor runs back to the white wall, looking all innocent and normal. I know what his plan is. The 'void stuff' will pull them back, once the void is in reverse. I think briefly about how good that would be for me too, because then that steady, humming pull would stop, but I still have to watch the Doctor closely.

Rose might have forgotten about his worried frame, but I haven't. A worried Doctor is never a good sign.

And then it hits her and me at the same time and Rose solves the puzzle only seconds after I did.

"But it's like you said. We've all got void stuff. Me too, 'cause we went to that parallel world." She looks down at her hand and the green and red dots twirl around her hand. Her hand rips the glasses from her nose, looking at the Doctor. His smile has faded, determination settling in. For a split second, his eyes get clouded with sadness, this old sadness. "We're all contaminated. We'll get pulled in."

The Doctor looks up, holding his chin up, not allowing himself to struggle with his next words.

"That's why you've gotta go."

_"Reboot in two minutes," _the computer announces but nobody's listening anymore. I can feel Rose shock and mine.

"Back to Pete's world," the Doctor says and points at Peter. "Hey, we should call it that. 'Pete's world'." I know what he's doing. Taking a break of looking Rose in the eyes. Because he can't bear it. Can't stand the thought. Already.

"No," I whisper, back in the Tardis and this moment is one of those when I wish I could step out of the blue box on my own. For the Doctor, not me. For Rose, too.

"I'm opening the void, but only on this side," the Doctor goes on, steady again. Shielded. "You'll be safe on that side."

I cut the link as far as I can without losing connection and look around the main console room. My breath quickens, because I know what is about to come. The Doctor will stay on this side, while Rose will be in the parallel universe. And once the void is closed, there won't be any way back. For neither of them.

He knew the moment he turned away from the window.

The fighting starts, over who stays with whom, who leaves and who not.

_"Reboot in one minute."_

I can feel Roses heart is torn already. She made a decision long before the Doctor made it. She knows that she'll stay with him forever and I want to smile because of her, but I'm not able to. My mind keeps spinning, because I know the moment the Doctor gets separated from Rose forever, something in him will get separated, too. It's never been like this before. Never been the same with another companion and I face the truth: that I have not the slightest idea what losing Rose will do to him.

"I just know what it'll do to _me,_" I say to myself, selfish for one heartbeat. Rose should've never been such a big part of my life, I realise that now. But the Doctor needed her. So it was for the better, right?

The Doctor approaches Rose but though she doesn't see it. Instead, she tries to tell her Mum what the Doctor means to her and why she can't leave him. Her Dad pulls out a teleport as well, ready to throw it around Jackie's neck.

"Rose," I breathe out and before she even realises it, she's gone.

The connection stretches, it hurts for a bit while the fabric of our link gets dragged across borders which should've never been crossed. And though it hurts, I can still hear her.

"Oh, no, you don't. He's not doing that to me again."

She jumps back again and the link snaps back in its place, makes me groan in pain, but suddenly the vision and everything else is back. My head hurts, but I cling to Rose's mind.

Maybe she's crazy enough to stay.

The Doctor is furious, I can see that. His desperation hums right under the surface and he grabs hold of Rose's arms, staring at her.

"Once the breach collapse, that's it. You'll never be able to see her again. Your own mother!" Telling her that he would never be the family she wanted. That he would never be able to grow old with her. That he is a Time Lord and she is a human. That he thinks she doesn't deserve it, growing old without the people she loves and she belongs to.

All that. In one sentence. And the pain I feel is not from the link now, but from the Doctor's words.

But Rose is determined. Calm. "I made my choice a long time ago. And I'm never gonna leave you." His eyes widen, he didn't expect it. _Hoped _she wouldn't have said that, while part of him longs for her presence, for Rose. "So what can I do to help?"

_"Systems rebooted. Open access." _

The moment is over and the Doctor readjusts his plan, giving Rose commands. "Those coordinates over there, set them all at six." She follows his commands, but I can feel there's more to say beneath her fear, which is boiling again. "And hurry up!" the Doctor calls out, his emotions resembling Rose's like a mirror.

All I can do now is watch. Watch and wait.

I feel the Cybermen and the Daleks, every single one of them. Watch the Doctor and Rose prepare the void, and the lights inside the control room flicker, mirroring my nervousness.

I can't help them. Once more, I am just able to watch. And hope.

_"Online." _The computer announces and I feel the whole of the Tardis trembling, though the pull subsides immediately.

"The breach is open! Into the void!" The Doctor laughs, his idea works.

I feel the strain in Rose's arms, her sore muscles and I pray for her to hold on.

"Hold on, Rose. Hold on."

Daleks get sucked in, thousands and thousands and Rose keeps her grip tight, almost steady, when some of the wires in the switch of the void collapse and sparks fly around for a heartbeat.

The Doctor, hanging on to his security handles, turns his head in the wind, looking at the switch.

It moves. Back.

_"Offline."_

Rose immediately stretches to the switch, trying to get her hands on the lever, but the Doctor screams for her to hold on instead.

"Rose," I whisper, my eyes still pressed closed. "Rose, you can do it."

I know I can't get into Rose's head again without destroying it, but I never tried to only transfer a _bit _of myself into her. No consciousness, just strength. Because that's what she needs.

"You can do it," I repeat and I try to open just a little more of the link, squeezing some of my strength through it.

But Rose stumbles under the pressure, too much. She slumps forward, against the lever but manages to hold on.

I feel how the Tardis heats up inside, while I concentrate as hard as I can to just fuel Rose's strength, without getting her off her feet, without burning or killing her.

I curse my stupidity. For not trying this before. Or often enough.

"Rose. Rose, hold on." I know she can't hear me, but I say the words nevertheless. Still working on just that little extension of our link. "Just a second. We can do it."

"I've got to get it upright!" Rose screams over the wind and for one second I can feel her mind touching mine. But she doesn't coil away, too occupied by the fight of holding on.

"Yes," I answer, hoping she can hear me through the little extension of our link. "Yes, we'll get it back up together."

My sight narrows and suddenly a part of me is sucked into Rose's consciousness. It is now my fingers around the lever, pushing. But I'm not the one in charge. Rose is. Added with my strength.

We're putting the lever up, clinging to it in the harsh wind; still sucking Daleks in.

Rose lifts her head and my gaze meets the Doctor's, just for a short second. He knows, I can see it in his eyes. He knows that Rose alone would never have been strong enough to get the lever back up.

But I can feel that too much of me is inside her already. In the corner of my eyes, I can see her sizzling. The Time Vortex starts to feed on her again and she groans out of a mixture of pain and strain.

"Just a second now, just another second," I tell her and push again, this time more gently. But we need to hurry. I can't stay like this forever.

The lever slips back. _"Online and locked." _

I smile to myself, relieved, because we did it. Just a heartbeat later I feel the pull. The void wants to take me in, through Rose. It feels my presence right in front of it and it doesn't matter that I'm not like the Daleks or the Cybermen. The Time Vortex is strong enough to be a target as well and a part of me is right in front of it, exposed.

"Rose, I need to let go," I whisper to her, feeling her body lift up. "I need to leave, hold on!"

The Doctor screams for her, for me. Both of us. Again. "Rose. Hold on!"

I want to get myself back into the Tardis and close the connection so she won't be sucked in, but the Time Vortex feeds on her, greedy. Needing.

_No. No, no, no, no, no!_

I reach for the link, invisible hands gripping the extension and tearing. Rose's grip gets weaker, her strength not enough to hold her and me.

"Hold _on!"_ The Doctor is desperate and reaches out for me, for Rose. But he can't do anything.

I scream in agony, gripping a part of the Time Vortex, a part of myself, and tearing it out of the connection with brutal force, crying.

In the very same moment, her fingers slip from the lever and the Doctor and I scream. "NO!"

For one second, I am in the room, right in front of the void. A hologram, nothing more.

Hearing the Doctor screaming behind me, seeing Rose flying towards the void.

I reach for her, but...

A shadow appears, right in front of the white glowing wall. It's Peter, grabbing his daughter in mid-flight.

He has a teleport.

"Rose," I whisper, every sound dull for a heartbeat, as she turns around and looks at me. Looks straight into my eyes, through me. Looks at the Doctor, at me. Both of us.

_Goodbye._

And the next instant, she's gone.

Everything that's left of the connection slams back at me and I get dragged through walls and doors, concrete and steel, back into the Tardis, screaming. _Rose._

I get thrown into the Tardis, my holographic frame crushing down on the ground. I feel the air escaping my lungs and my vision turns black. The only thing I can do is breath for a long moment, feeling Rose slowly drying out of my system like a dying pond.

_Take me back. _

Her last words, before I slump back onto the ground, staring at the roof, vision blurred.

She's gone.

* * *

The Doctor stands in front of the main console. His head between his shoulders, his gaze empty.

I sit down at his feet, my head against the console, looking up.

My hand touches his knee and I know we feel the same.

Empty. Lost.

We're silent for a long time. The Tardis is still in the cellar of the now empty Torchwood house.

At some point, I get tired of being in the heavy silence of it and manoeuvre us into the blissful silence of the universe, clinging to the black space between stars and planets.

Much later the Doctor collapses right beside me, mirroring my posture, staring at the roof.

I lean my head against his shoulder and his fingers swiftly touch my cheek, just for a silent moment.

It is me who speaks first.

"What now?"

He shrugs, saying nothing. Just staring, without crying. He's not ready to cry. Not yet.

Another endless silence passes, before I vanish into the heart of my box and hide my head between my knees. This Doctor is a stranger. A stranger I cannot reach and I'm afraid what he'll do.

I struggled with almost everything in the universe once, but there was always the Doctor by my side. How am I supposed to face a universe without his help? How am I supposed to face him, an empty Doctor?


	13. Chapter 12: Bad Wolf Bay

"Rose." I am feeling my way along our connection, stretched as it is from one world to its parallel twin in another universe, making this much harder than it used to be.

_Please hear me._

_ Not for my sake, but for his._

"Rose," I repeat. I can feel the energy draining from my own reserves, so I draw some of the energy from the box to support me. The extra energy seems to do the trick, because I feel her stir gently in her sleep.

"Rose. Rose, can you hear me?" I feel her roll over, still sound asleep, but I sense the fogginess of sleep lift slightly from within her mind. That's an indication to me that whatever happens now will be remembered later as a dream. That's all I had hoped for. I don't have the power to control her thoughts like I used to be able to do when she was in the same world as me, so a dream is all I have.

I can't help but think it's kind of ironic how Rose was always _my _dream, the means of freedom that I always wanted, and now I am _her _dream.

"Rose, he's calling you. He needs you to see you again, just one last time. And he can do it, because he has me. He's always had me, even though you only knew it for the briefest of moments." As the Doctor instructed me earlier, I focus on the beach that he had showed me, holding it as a mental image in my mind. While I'm connected with Rose, even a fragile connection like we have right now, if I can see it in my mind, she can see it too. "You need to come here. I'm sorry Rose, I don't know where it is or what it's called. But you have such a unique mind. You will find a way. I know it. He knows it. That's why he'll be waiting for you."

Even the energy from the box is not enough to sustain me so I slowly close the connection, controlling the break gently so that I gradually appear back inside the blue box, watching as the fog of sleep descends on Rose's mind once again.

I am standing back inside my prison, and I know this without even opening my eyes. Dizziness washes over me from the energy that I have just spent on reaching Rose, but this doesn't worry me too much. After a few minutes, when my mind has settled back into the console, I'll be fine again.

I can sense the Doctor watching me carefully, scrutinising my every move as if he could learn the success – or failure – of the mission I had set out to achieve just by studying my body language. I can tell that he is so desperate, that he just wants to run to me and demand answers from me, but he holds back because he knows I need pass this momentary dizziness. Even when his world seems to be falling apart around him – and his world is a pretty big place – he still cares about that one fixed star in his universe that will never leave him – me. And I can't believe that I ever had the heart to be so angry with him.

"Doctor," I breathe, and open my eyes. "Nice to be back." I smile gently at him, because I genuinely mean it. I didn't like leaving him, even though, technically, I never left in the first place.

He gets to his feet; he had been sitting on the steps in the corner of the console room; and walks towards me urgently. "And?" That one word carries so much hope, and I'm eternally grateful that I don't have to crush it.

"She heard me. Well, kinda. It's kinda hard to explain but she'll remember it in a dream. If she's able to locate the place from the image you gave me, she'll be there."

His smile lights up his whole face, and I can't help thinking that, no matter how many suns I've seen while travelling with this Time Lord, nothing shines brighter than that smile. "You mean it? Really?"

"Yes, really!" I grin back at him, his happiness infectious. "And I'm sure she'll find it, Doctor. She's determined, that one."

"And stubborn," he agrees, his eyes twinkling.

"Yes, that too."

_ And many other adjectives, but I can't tell the Doctor that I know them, or that I knew them right from the moment she stepped into my prison._

"Thank you, Izzy. Really, thank you." He gives me his look, the one that makes me feel like he's looking right into the depths of my soul. "I know, one day, I'll have to let you go, because I _will _find a way to get you out of here. But I don't know what I'd do without you."

I smile, because I've allowed myself to dream that far ahead. "Who said that when I escape, I'm leaving you?" 'When', not 'if'. I won't allow myself to comprehend an 'if'.

He smiles back at me, even brighter than before, even though I didn't think that was even possible. "So what's the plan?"

I've been pondering this for a while, ever since the Doctor first told me that there was one little gap left between the universes. "Well, it's clear to me that you're not going to be able to be there physically. You know that too. The whole thing would fracture. Two universes would collapse. So I guess, for once Doctor, you're going to have to learn from me."

He grins at me playfully. "Oh no, how will I ever cope with the shame?"

I'm so happy to hear him joking again, that I let the insult slide. "Do you want to do this or not?" I stare at him, mock impatience and displeasure on my face. This just makes him grin even more.

"Yes, I want to do this! You know that! So what do I need to learn from you?"

I'm surprised that he genuinely doesn't seem to know. "How to project yourself from one place to the other."

His eyes widen. "Is that even possible? Not even I have done that before. Well, unless you count the projections inside the Tardis, but they're always pre-recorded and saved in the databases. They're not real projections. So how?"

I laugh at his confusion. "For a Time Lord, you can be so _slow _sometimes! You have _me, _Doctor. Queen of the Projections!" I pull a pose, one hand pointing up towards the sky, the other towards the floor of the blue ship. "At your service!"

He laughs at me, but the excitement in his eyes is unmistakable. "Yeah, yeah, ok, I get it. You can really do that?"

"Yeah, I think so. You've got your sonic screwdriver thingy and, even though you know how much I despise that rod of metal, I have to admit that its existence might have been worth it for this minute. If you sonic me…"

He interrupts, tension flickering in his eyes. "Sonic you?"

"Yeah. Like you do when you make me move, against my will."

He looks down at the floor, mumbling, "Yeah, sorry about that."

"Look at me!" I demand, but inside I'm laughing again. "Do I even look like I'm having a go at you for that right now? I mean, Rose is on her way to a beach somewhere just to find you, and I would pick _this exact moment _to fight with you?"

He looks up again. "I guess not."

"Correctly guessed," I flash a smile back at him and the tension leaves his eyes again. _Silly Time Lord _I think to myself, but somehow, I find that endearing. He really _does _feel sorry about that, or he wouldn't have reacted like that, and that is not lost on me.

"So yeah, usually, when you sonic me, you're doing it to control me. But hit the right frequency and we'll kind of blur together. It will be _you _on the beach, but I'll be with you. I'll be carrying you with my projection."

"Is it safe?"

"As safe as everything else you do."

"Which means, not safe at all, right?"

I smirk. "Exactly. But what's life without a little risk?"

"For Rose, any risk is worth taking." I detect the sadness in his voice. This is my greatest fear. I know that seeing Rose again will be so amazing for him. Those moments talking to her will be everything he has ever wished for. But the moment the gap closes, he'll come crashing back down.

"It needs a lot of energy, though. And I mean, a _lot. _More than I can provide on my own. Any ideas?" I ask, pushing those thoughts out of my mind.

He ponders this for a while. "If we're being risky with this, might as well go for a super nova, right?"

"Why not? Sounds perfect to me." And as the doctor speeds off across the stars to find the nearest super nova, I fade back into the console to recoup and gather some of my energy back to prepare for what must come next.

I don't know how many minutes passed until I hear his voice, gently calling me from the console room. "Izzy. We're here."

I materialise into the console room, facing the Doctor.

"Ready?" he asks me, his voice brimming with anticipation.

"Ready," I reply. And then I hear the familiar frequency of the sonic screwdriver, settling deep into my heart, shifting us together bit by bit, until we are standing on the very same beach I had shown Rose.

_Two minds, yet one._

_ Such an unlikely team, yet such a perfect one._

_As long as the universe is willing to keep us alive._

Rose turns to stare at us – no – him. I may be here, but this is all about him. I hear his breath catch and I know he wants to run to her side, but he cannot and he knows it.

"Where are you?" Rose asks him, her voice trembling with emotion.

"Inside the Tardis. There's one tiny little gap in the universe left, just about to close. And it takes a lot of power to send this projection. I'm in orbit around a super nova."

I think of the many reactions that Rose could have to this statement, but she's travelled with us for so long that this whole concept doesn't shock her at all. "You look like a ghost," is all she says and I'm amazed by her composure.

"Hang on…" _Izzy_ he thinks, and I can hear his voice in my head as clearly as if he were standing directly in front of me. This is new for us. But I like the new intimacy. _Can I fix that?_

_ Sonic the console some more. You just need to increase the connection between us _I think back at him and, sure enough, he follows my orders, and the projection on the beach begins to look more solid.

"Can I t…" Rose begins, but the Doctor interrupts because he knows what she will ask and it hurts him to answer her, just like it hurt him to answer me the first time I asked that question.

"I'm still just an image. No touch." _Like you, Izzy _he thinks, the realisation hitting him in an instant and I gently tell him not to worry about me or what had happened between us. This moment was for him and Rose alone.

Her voice begins to tremble even more. "Can't you come through properly?" she pleads.

"The whole thing would fracture. Two universes would collapse." An echo of what I had said earlier.

"So?" She makes it sound like a joke, but it's so clear to myself and the Doctor that she's only half joking.

There are so many responses in the Doctor's mind, but not one of them is appropriate and so he just remains quiet, savouring the features of her face, her smile, her bright eyes, her beautiful hair, all the while just smiling. After a few minutes, he speaks.

"Where are we? Where did the gap come out?"

"We're in Norway," she replies. _That must have been one long trip _I think, but I'm so glad she did it. For his sake.

"Norway. Right." As if he should have known this and it was stupid of him to forget it.

"About fifty miles out of Bergen. It's called 'Dårlig Ulv Stranden'."

The Doctor can't tell the significance of this. I wonder if Rose does. All I know is that I do. Because I am the Tardis and I know nearly every language that has ever existed or will exist.

"Dalek?" he asks, surprised. I'm not surprised by his mishearing of the word 'Dårlig' and I want to tell him what it means, but I'm too shocked.

"Dårl-IG," she repeats, making every syllable clear. "It's Norwegian for 'bad'."

I can feel him concentrating, trying to place together the thoughts that are running though his mind. But his emotions are getting the better of him; being with Rose has that effect, and he's not able too.

"This translates as 'Bad Wolf Bay'," she replies, so she clearly did know the significance of this name. She starts to laugh, and the Doctor can't help but laugh too. They're laughing because they think it's ironic. But it's not. I never told the Doctor what the true meaning of Bad Wolf was. I don't think we even talked about Bad Wolf at all. And Rose forgot everything when the Bad Wolf ceased to exist. But it makes perfect sense to me that I, the light, should lead her, the flesh, to Bad Wolf Bay, the one place on this earth that shares our shared name.

Almost immediately, the laughter cuts short. Rose's voice beings to crack, almost as though she senses that there is not much time left. "How long have we got?"

Reluctantly, the Doctor answers. "About two minutes…," and then he trails off, feeling this time constraint deep in his hearts.

"I can't think what to say!" She almost laughs, because it's so stupid, but the Doctor doesn't think it's stupid at all, because he was thinking the same thing. Now he's looking at Mickey, and I know a part of him is wishing that he could be him. Well, not be him, but be in the position that he's in, with a whole lifetime in front of him with Rose.

"You've still got Mr Mickey, then?" He's thinking back on the first time that he met Rose, when she accused him of letting the plastic head of the auton Mickey melt. A part of him is glad that he was there from the very beginning and will be there right to the end, even if he can't be there himself.

"There's five of us now. Mum, dad, Mickey...," she takes a deep breath, "and the baby."

I am almost as shocked as the Doctor is. "You're not…" He can't finish the sentence because his mind can't comprehend that thought.

She laughs at his stunned face. "No! It's mum." He laughs with her, and I feel his relief as clearly as if the emotion belonged to me. Or maybe the emotion _does _belong to me. Relief for _him. _"She's three months gone," she continues. "More Tylers on the way."

"And what about you? Are you…," he drifts off, allowing her to fill in the gap. He desperately wants to know what she will do with her life now that he is not there.

"Yeah, I'm…I'm working back in the shop."

I can feel his disappointment, but he won't let it show. "Oh. Good for you," he says, nodding.

Suddenly, Rose begins to laugh, _really _laugh. "Shut up! No, I'm not. There's still a Torchwood on this planet, it's open for business." Her voice is then clouded by emotion again. "I think I know a thing or two about aliens."

_Especially this one _thinks the Doctor, and I feel my heart breaking for him. He smiles at her, so proud. "Rose Tyler, Defender of the Earth"

He gives her one of her special looks, the one that searches souls. "You're dead, officially, back home. So many people died that day and you've gone missing. You're on a list of the dead. But here you are. Living a life day after day. The one adventure I can never have."

Rose bursts into tears, not ashamed to openly cry in front of him. "Am I ever gonna see you again?"

The Doctor is sorry. Always so, so sorry. "You can't."

"What you're gonna do?" I guess she wants to know for the same reason that he wanted to know about her plans.

"Oh, I've got the Tardis." _I've got you, Izzy _he thinks, just for me. "Same old life. Last of the Time Lords."

"On your own?"

The question that he can never answer truthfully. So he just nods.

I can sense Rose digging deep within herself to find the courage to speak the next words. "I lo…." She takes a deep breath, trying to hold back the tears for one second. "I love you."

He looks at her gently, trying to hold back the tears himself. "Quite right, too."

She nods at him, having to smile, despite her sadness.

_Tell her how you feel _I tell him. _You'll never have this chance again. And time has almost run out. _He doesn't respond, but he gets my message.

He looks up at her, looking deep into her eyes again. "And I suppose," he says gently, "if it's the one last chance to say it, Rose Tyler, I…"

But the energy has run out. There is a ripping sensation as the Doctor is separated from my mind, and then he stands in the console room, his mouth full of the words that he wanted to say but never got the chance to speak out loud. I watch him swallow the words back down, and close his eyes, hiding in the safety of his own mind. I know this trick too well because I do it myself so often.

I can't bear to see him like this. I don't even know if he'll ever make it through this. If he'll ever be able to get over Rose. And I don't know what I can do to make everything better.

I watch him as he opens his eyes, slowly moving around the Tardis, pressing all the buttons to move me away from this super nova. The broken Time Lord, just as I was afraid of.

_There has to be something I can do._

But I don't think there is. Not anymore.


	14. Chapter 13: The Runaway Bride

Have you ever been so desperate that you feared you would not remember how happiness feels?

How it feels like when your heart hurts in that good way, because every cell of your being is ridiculously happy? How it feels like when your lips tingle, because that bright smile won't fade?

You can remember the phrases, shallow memories. But the actual feelings?

Desperation is like the dark corners of the universe, no star, no light to be seen. Just that everybody can go there, not only Time Lords. And most people do at some point in their lives.

Before I met the Doctor, I never thought of dark places and dark feelings. When I met him, he taught me that darkness comes with light and vice versa. I lived with the knowledge that to every dark night, there'll be a bright day.

That was before we met and lost Rose. Before _I _lost Rose.

Meeting the Doctor felt like the break of a day: first, it was dark, but the more I got to know him, the more his light rose and illuminated the night.

Meeting Rose, it felt like the sun brightened, never ceasing, never leaving. Until she did.

Rose had left me in the dark, desperate and fearful. Doubting that happiness existed.

On this faithful day in two different dimensions, I'll do something I've never done before: I'll leave the Doctor.

Since I'm his box, his Tardis, I'm not physically able to leave him, but during my time as the Tardis, I learned to control and travel through the Time Vortex without actually moving. I just... surf it. Sometimes, when the Doctor ran off to his adventures, that was the only thing I could do, besides being bored to death. It's a bit like this invention from the late 20th century, the internet, which became a big phenomenon. But instead of typing things into search bars and clicking links, I flick through a blur of pictures, witnessing scenes without really seeing them. It's more like watching the news and finding interesting stuff from time to time. That's how we got to most of our adventures, though the Doctor always thought I never managed to repair my mapping system.

_I always took him where he needed to go._

I never went surfing in the Time Vortex when the Doctor was around ever before, but today, I can't bear my feelings, can't bear that I hear him mourning in my mind and my soul. I just ... escape.

My invisible hands flick through the pictures faster than ever before, my mind twisting and coiling. Why did it always had to end like this? Losing someone? Was that all? Was that the great conclusion to life and its secrets? Finding someone and losing her or him again?

I don't know what I'm searching for. I just know that it's too much to bear. The super nova, the sadness, the loss. The desperation. It feels like there is a hole in my soul and I'm not able to get it back together, especially with a gravely sad Time Lord. I want to help him but I simply don't know how anymore.

Bad Wolf Bay did not only wear out my energy, but also my ability to help.

We are both circling down and we both don't know how to stop.

Sudden anger wells up and with a furious, but desperate cry, I collapse down into the pictures in the Time Vortex, feeling myself getting sucked into a scene I didn't choose. The machine takes over and I am thankful, falling through time and space without really moving.

_How does it feel?_

Consciousness returns and I blink, hearing birds chirping in the trees which were whispering in the wind.

For a weird moment, I lie there, feeling like I'm real, yet unreal. Just... there, without being really there. A visitor.

"How does it feel?"

I sit up, wide awake and alert now. What happened?

I turn around and see that I'm lying in front of a church. A huge construction, dark and gray. And there is a wedding on the way.

The bride tries to get the veil out of her fiery red hair, but the wind is in a playful mood today.

"For god's sake, mother! Just go inside and don't ask me how I feel with those watery eyes. You make me bloody nervous!" The bride gives up and stares at the woman who had asked the question. "Will you just go inside?"

The bride's mother smirks, her eyes truly blurred. She squeezes her daughter's shoulder briefly and whispers, almost inaudible: "My Donna." The next moment, she vanishes into the church.

The bride – Donna – remains on the steps of the church, silent. She turns around, looks over the old graveyard, which is a typical concomitant of those old churches, and I wince when her eyes meet mine. But she can't see me. I am only a visitor, not even a projection. Somehow, I fell into one of the pictures.

"But why?" I breath out, slowly coming to my feet. "Why did I fall into the memory of your wedding, Donna? Are you anyone special?" The last bit sounds rather annoyed, because the anger hasn't drained from my veins yet. I have enough.

While I walk up to her, Donna begins to smile. A tiny, little and very personal smile, which isn't meant for me or anyone else, except her future husband. It is full of excitement and... happiness.

I stand right in front of her, feeling the anger rushing out of my system like water.

Happiness. Pure happiness.

"How does it feel?" The words slip from my lips, just like they had slipped from the lips of Donna's mother minutes before. I wanted to know, I wanted to feel. I wanted to _remember._

"That's why," I conclude, after staring at her smile, almost hungry. "That's why I came here, Donna. To find happiness. Maybe..." Tears well up again. "Maybe I can learn what it means to be happy. Maybe I can help the Doctor after you taught me. Help me, Donna. Help me to be happy again."

But Donna can't hear me. Just like the Doctor can't hear me when he goes on his adventures, leaving me behind. Just like Rose can't hear me anymore, because she is trapped in a parallel universe.

The door of the church opens and an old man appears. Donna's smile faints so fast I'm not sure I really had seen it, but I can feel the warmth of her love, of her happiness, like a coat around my cold shoulders. It dulls the pain and the desperation.

"Let me be your guest," I whisper and step aside as the man offers her his arm.

"Ready?"

Donna looks at him. "What are you waiting for?"

They both start to walk into the church and the moment she crosses the threshold, music starts to play. The wedding march.

I follow them and, without even realising it, I zap myself onto one of the church banks, turning around to see her walk up the aisle.

Donna tries to hide her smile, but she struggles first and loses in the end. Her full blown smile warms her eyes, infects all the people around her like a virus of happiness. Warmth spreads out around her in waves, catching me like a willing victim. I wonder briefly if I am the only one who can feel the blast of warmth, happiness and love, but then I close my eyes and just dive into the sensation; I forget everything else. The pain, the desperation, the Doctor... even my own name.

All that matters was that nothing matters, because everything is good.

I don't open my eyes again until the wedding ceremony is over and the happy couple exits the church as husband and wife.

I stay back in the church, watching them leave and consider following, but I can feel that the rush of warmth was slowly fading. Donna is happily married now and the intense moments, those personal happy moments of the ceremony, the reason why a part of the Tardis I couldn't understand had sent me here, are over.

I can already feel the pressure of going back into the Tardis. Back into the console room, where a broken Doctor is waiting for me.

I know that it is time to go back, that my break from reality is over, but I don't feel strong enough to face the desperation again.

My hands coil into fists, still watching Donna, when I slowly close my eyes and gain hold of the fabric of time around me. Moments and minutes slip through my invisible fingers and when I open my eyes again, I am back at the aisle, watching Donna walking straight through me.

Warmth sweeps over me and I sigh in relief. I feel sleepy, dazed and I give in, closing my eyes again, assuring myself that I would go after this one last replay.

"One last time", I whisper as I sat down on a bench, closing my invisible hands around the fabric of time again. "One last time, Doctor, and you will never be unhappy again. I promise."

Much later, I open my eyes again. I must've fallen asleep on the altar, facing the door, wrapped in the warmth of Donna Noble's heart.

I don't know how many times I had replayed the wedding now and I don't care. I just want to feel this warm and loved forever, while Donna Noble and her husband Lance sign the register or walk down the aisle, exchange rings or weddings vows for the millionth time.

There is no pain here, no desperation and no Doctor I can't make happy again.

It is just me here, sleeping and forgetting, not even promising that it would be the last time anymore. I do give up, but I even lose the ability to be afraid somewhere along the way.

The door of the church opens, just like it had happened times and times before and I jump from the altar, walking towards Donna, smiling.

I open my arms, fully aware that she would walk straight through me.

She smiles.

And I return my invisible smile.

But the moment my fingers brush her shoulders, something happens. Something that didn't happen before.

I look down, still dizzy, and see little orange sparks. Almost like particles.

I feel my eyes widen. "What –"

Donna starts to scream and I can feel a familiar pressure, while the glowing grows intense.

A teleport. Someone is trying to teleport her!

I turn around, facing Donna, now almost as invisible as myself, but glowing bright, and a flashback hits me so hard I almost stagger backwards.

_Rose. A void. Daleks and Cybermen. _

_A scream, followed by silence. _

_Rose. Teleported. Forever gone._

"Donna!" I scream and stretch out my arm. "No!"

_Don't take her away from him! Please, don't!_

_Last of the Time Lords, all alone._

"Rose!"

The moment my hand touches her arm, my strength fights against the hostile teleport and with a sharp snap, I tear Donna away from them, hauling her into the Tardis.

I manage to drop her off without letting her fall down to the ground, but my own projection crumbles right next to the Doctor, gasping hard. It's a blur, past and an even older past are mingled together.

I cry out for Rose, but when I look up I can only see Donna, remembering the last hours. A wedding, over and over again, a void... no ... just a normal wedding... Rose.

The Doctor stares at the bride in his console room and for a split second I think he might start to laugh, turning around and telling me that he can find a woman on his own, but then I cry out again and fall to the ground.

Something is wrong.

The particles ... that teleport ... a memory tingles in the back of my mind.

"Doctor", I whisper pressed, but he's focused on Donna, not seeing me flickering right beside him. "Doctor, I ..."

And then I see it, right on the skin of my hand that is stretched out towards the Doctor. Orange sparks, crisping like the first signs of a regeneration, eating away my projection right before my eyes.

"Huon particles", I manage to croak, before my projection vanishes and I black out.


	15. Chapter 14: The First Trace

Nobody is meant to absorb Huon particles. Not even a spaceship from Gallifrey.

Huon particles are not only crispy and orange, they are deadly. Their original aim was to fuel space ships with power and some gallifreyan ships still harbour those particles – like me – but they are secured in an own room in the heart.

If they would ever set free, they would kill humans and aliens alike, because the amount of power would increase too strong for any organism.

That's the reason why the Time Lords destroyed this form of power. And when Gallifrey died, the last traces of Huon particles died, too. Except the ones I keep hidden away inside my heart.

That is the reason I couldn't believe it when I saw the particles around Donna. Because they _shouldn't be existing anymore..._

All those thoughts race through my mind while I wait to regain consciousness, while the pain subsides slowly. I know it isn't gone, but the machine shut down to save vital functions, since we're still around a super nova and crashing down wouldn't be helpful.

I can hear the Doctor talking in the back of my mind, trying to figure out what happened. For him, only a brief moment has passed since he last saw Rose. For me, it felt like days.

"You can't do that ... that wasn't ... We're in flight!" exclaims the Doctor and I can feel that the last part was directed at me. _Sorry, Doctor_, I think slowly, because my mind feels like it's wading through syrup. _I think I absorbed something... wrong._

Donna wants to know where she is, but the Doctor is still trying to figure out what has happened. He can surely feel that there is something wrong, but he can't pinpoint it, since I'm not able to communicate with him.

He runs up to the console, consulting different devices, but nothing really happens. As long as I'm not responding, he's just a Time Lord with a barely whispering spaceship.

I realise that he didn't see me when I crashed down onto the floor, right beside him. The Huon particles must've been eating away my projection the moment I touched Donna and only my arm was visible for a heart beat when I appeared in the blue box.

I can feel the machinery beneath me, working to get the secret emergency protocols running. Whatever happens, there are two rules: preventing a deadly crash and ensuring communication with the Doctor through a telepathic link.

The first one was my idea, the latter one the Doctors, though I did refuse to have him directly in my mind for a long time. Today, I'm relieved he was so stubborn.

While the Doctor asks Donna about the circumstances, how she has come here, the telepathic link clicks in place and though I don't manage to be a projection yet again, I can talk to the Doctor.

His feelings tell me that he's shocked. He knew that something was wrong but he didn't know that it was so bad. A telepathic link normally means a threat for my life and...

_Damnit, Izzy! You absorbed Huon particles! This is more than just a threat for your life..._

_"Izzy?"_ the Doctors voice sounds through our telepathic link. _"I didn't understand. The signal... it's very bad." _

I take a breath, still not able to actually appear in the console room, and I'm about to repeat what I said, but then I hold myself back.

I don't need to concentrate to feel that my system is still struggling with the particles, trying to neutralise them. Maybe I shouldn't tell the Doctor about them. He'll ask questions, just like he asked Donna. And I'll need to tell him what I did, where I've been to. And why.

_"Izzy? Are you there?"_

_I can't, Doctor. You wouldn't understand and I just want to make you happy again. _

_"Yes... yes, I'm here. Sorry for the confusion but... the super nova was literally breath taking." _

I can hear him almost laughing with relief, while he gets distracted by Donna, who runs up to my doors, ripping them open. We're still at the super nova.

Donna takes a moment to understand, but she's not only warm hearted, but practical. She asks the Doctor why she's not dying out of lack of oxygen.

"Because the Tardis is protecting us," he replies and tells only me. _"But I don't know why or from what you saved her."_

If I had a body I would've bitten my lip, but right now I only answer. _"I don't know why she's here. I'm as confused as you are."_

The Doctor takes a moment to talk to Donna again, then he's back with me. _"But what happened to you, Izzy? The emergency protocol wouldn't be active if there wasn't..." _

_"... a life threatening situation, I know. As I said, it is probably the super nova. Maybe I'm too fed up with energy."_

_And that is as close to the truth as it'll get. _

I can feel the Doctor's doubt, but he can't concentrate on it for long enough. Donna is not only warm hearted but also loud and shrill. Even I can hear her loud and clearly.

Not much later we land somewhere in London, but I can still feel the crisps of the particles in my system. I can also feel the Doctors hands, roaming over the wood of my outer appearance questioningly.

_"This is not just too much energy, Izzy. It feels different,"_ he whispers and exclaims, even for Donna to hear. "She's recalibrating!"

_"Of course I am... I need to sort out... things."_ I hesitate, checking the system. It'll take way too much time to fool the Doctor for much longer.

"What did you eat?" he asks out loud and I can picture Donna, rolling her eyes. She not only stumbled into an alien, but one who is talking to a machine.

_"I didn't eat anything!"_ I refuse too fast and the Doctor is about to ask more questions, when one of the alarms goes off. Something... _"Doctor?"_

_"Izzy, what's happening? I don't see anything different in the console room, but..."_

_"No, it's in here. There's a problem with the..."_ _Cleaning procedure. "... the energy. I think it'll-"_

But I can't say another word, because in that exact moment it feels like somebody tries to rip out my insides.

I reach for the machinery, groaning in pain, to find out what is happening, and the pictures tell me that I got isolated from the main system of the machine.

_"What-,"_ I begin, but another jolt of pain hits me. It takes me a moment to understand, but then everything seems rather logical.

The moment I touched Donna, the projection absorbed the Huon particles. The very last part of Izzy Saunders in the Tardis touched a deadly power resource, so the logical consequence is that this very part needs to get neutralised...

* * *

I slip in and out of consciousness throughout the next hours, only capable of understanding bits of the Doctor talking.

I can feel that we're flying again, the emergency protocol working perfectly well, while I'm still isolated and in pain. I can hear the Doctor growl _"Behave!"_ full of worry, because he hasn't spoken to me for quite a while now.

I can also pinpoint the exact moment the Doctor finds out about the Huon particles, his feelings a mixture of relief that he knows what's happening now and the fear for me, because he knows now what I 'ate'.

I want to respond, want to tell him that everything will be well, because the neutralising process is almost over and Donna, another human just like Rose, is safe, but I can't utter a single word.

It feels like I'm back in the church, closing my eyes and sleeping, only that it feels like someone is draining the blood from my body, replacing it with ice cold water.

_Water... it's so cold and wet. I'm drowning._

With a gasp, I open my eyes, blinking into the bright light of the console room.

"I'm... I'm back." I look down on my hands and they are there. No orange particles anymore, they were kicked out of my system and into the heart of the Tardis, where they are fuelling the Time Vortex of the machine.

I feel exhausted, but happy. Somewhere in the process I feared I would lose myself just as I lost Rose and all the other people. But here I stand, the same Izzy as always.

"Doctor?" My voice sounds rough and unused. I look around, but he's nowhere to be seen, so I close my eyes and dive into the still active, but already fading telepathic link.

_Water. Raining down from cold concrete, killing them. They are drowning, drowning like the mercy I once felt. I can't stop, because this is justice. I am justice. I am superior to this. This is control. Control... _

The Doctor's thoughts and feelings deluge me, like the water does drown the Racnoss. I stumble backwards, reliving the last few hours in the Doctor's mind.

Harvesting Huon particles, Lance the traitor. The empress of the Racnoss.

I recognize her species, but... "Why is she alive? She should be dead!"

_Just like the Huon particles. _

"Doctor, what are you doing?"

But he can't hear me. His thoughts are a web of guilt and pain, fuelling the ancient anger of a Time Lord. A superior being, last of his kind.

"Doctor, stop!"

But it's not my voice that makes him stop.

It's Donna's.

Her words burst through his mind, touching the part of him that is afraid. So afraid of losing again and again and again...

"Doctor!" she says. "You can stop now."

He hesitates, does not want to let go of the power. Judgement over life and death.

But he does. For Donna's sake rather than his own.

The emergency protocol pulsates one last time, before it dies away. The Tardis is restored and there's no need to be linked with the Doctor anymore.

I open my eyes, numb inside. What I just witnessed... The Doctor, caught in his power...

"What have you done...?" I whisper to myself and vanish into the heart of the Tardis, burying my head in my hands. The fear churns my insides, because what I just saw... what the Doctor just did...

_A mad Time Lord, drunken with power._

What if Rose took not only his heart, but his mind?

* * *

When the Doctor closes the door, I'm back in the console room.

I listen to the goodbyes Donna and the Doctor exchanged and my fear is back in a cage, deep down in a dark corner of my mind.

The Doctor looks at me. "Huon particles?"

I cross my arms, sitting high above the main console, watching myself breathe. "I know, I should have told you. But I feared it was a lack inside myself, so I just wanted to-"

"Izzy", the Doctor interrupts softy and leans against the console. His hands touch me briefly. "You know that you can share anything with me? Anytime? I thought I gained your trust by now?"

I look at him, hesitating. _A mad Time Lord. _

"Of course I know that! I wouldn't be here if I wouldn't know!" _Maybe I wouldn't be here now, Doctor. _

Before he can ask another question, I zap myself right next to him. "You know, Donna is right: you need someone to travel with you and we'll find you someone, but first of all there's something we need to find out."

He arches a brow. "Since when do you want to investigate?"

I wish I could punch him, but instead, I point at a small switch on the console.

The Doctor stares in awe. "What's that?"

"That's new."

He rolls his eyes. "I noticed. I mean _What does it do?_"

I smile a bit to myself, but the fear demands to be free again. _All this power and a mad mind. _

_I thought I gained your trust by now?_

I push it away; there's no time for fear now. If I can't trust the Doctor, where is the sense in anything?

"I kept something from you, but don't worry: it's rather a fun ability than something you would've missed while investigating. Just push that switch."

"Is that some kind of joke?" he asks mockingly.

I look at him, dead serious. "Doctor, these Huon particles are not supposed to be around anymore. I'm the last thing in the universe that harbours that kind of energy. We need to know where the Racnoss got them from, because if there's more..."

The Doctor nods darkly. "We need to destroy it."

I sigh in relief. A part of me thought he would want to have it for himself. "Exactly. Now... are you going to trust me and push that switch?"

Suddenly, his crooked smile is back. "Always."

His fingers press the switch and he gets sucked into the Time Vortex. But not as the Doctor, but as a projection, just like me.

His eyes gleam in the light of the fabric of time and he stares at me, while I navigate through the pictures of time. "Wow."

I nod, smiling. "This is Vortex News Channel 1. Next stop: Empress of the Racnoss." We move into a picture and right before appearing in the scene, I take some of the Time Lord energy and wrap it around our projections.

When we appear in the ship of the Empress of the Racnoss, high above the Christmas sky, I can see my reflection in her fearful eyes. _Long time no see, human Izzy._

The Doctor looks around, fascinated. He doesn't seem like he's about to interfere and I smile at him briefly. He nods, knowing that this is something I need to do on my own.

"Empress of the Racnoss." My voice sounds loud and strong, not like the projection voice I always had.

The empress only took one second to regain her control back again, and now she's laughing. Laughing like the maniac she is. "Time Lady! I wondered when you would visit me", she snarls in her alien accent and I can feel fresh anger inside myself. "I suppose I'm dead in the near future?"

"You'll be", I assure her, "But first of all you'll answer my question."

She laughs again. "Do you think so?"

I lean down to look at her closely, letting her see the full extent of my anger. "Yes. Because otherwise I'll make you suffer even more."

I can feel the Doctor tensing up behind me, but he knows that I can't physically interact here. I'm still just an image.

But the empress doesn't know and her eyes widen.

"Good," I smile. "I see you know your place. So tell me... where did you get that Huon particles from and why did you lured me into that church?"

The laugh is back, victorious now. Arrogant. "We lured you? Oh, I don't think so."

"You drugged me!"

The Racnoss smiles. "Only with your permission."

I hiss, but the Doctor keeps me back. If I show her that I can't touch her, she won't tell me a single word.

_She speaks the truth. _

The empress starts to laugh again, slowly sinking back. Her time is almost over and she knows it. "Think of it, Time Lady. Do you really think we could've conquered you if you had been unwilling. The mighty girl? You wanted to fade, to forget the Doctor. You-"

"Shut up!" I roar. "Tell me where you got the Huon particles from or else you'll die." I can feel the anger right beneath my skin threatening to leak out and destroy our only source. But I won't be ruled by my feelings again.

I tremble, but I stand.

The Doctor is right beside me, following my projection with his own projection eyes, not saying a word. He knows that this is one of the rare personal fights of me. Fights that do not involve him.

"You can't kill me, Time Lady. You might be powerful, but there is nothing you can do against a future that is already set."

My hands coil into fists as I growl: "Tell me where you got them from!"

"Izzy, we need to go," the Doctor says silently and I know it. I can feel the pressure. We're about to get sucked back into the console room.

The Racnoss stops to laugh abruptly and looks at the Doctor. Her eyes narrow. "Not from _where._ But _whom_."

I freeze, inside and outside. "What do you mean?"

But she doesn't answer me. Her gaze is still fixed at the Doctor as she bares her teeth in a last grin.

"You are not the last of the Time Lords, Doctor," whispers the empress, as she finally dies.


	16. Chapter 15: Vain Hope

The Doctor and I used to have little holidays when we were not with companions.

After the bride and a scary Christmas, we travel to a planet which has underwater suns and therefore only light on the beaches. A truly beautiful landscape and a deadly concentration of nitrogen in the air emphasises the atmosphere of a holiday, because we can be here for a massive time span on this planet without humans.

But even though we can just relax for a while, I'm not able to shake all my feelings off.

The time after this particular Christmas was full of fears and unspoken worries.

The Doctor notices that my mind is clouded, so when he enters the Tardis and I don't respond to him right away, he knows that I was deep in thoughts.

"Izzy," he says. "What is it?"

I hesitate, but then I close my eyes and materialise in the console room, right opposite the Doctor, who stands barefoot at the door. He looks worried.

"It's..." I bite my lip. I don't want to talk about it, because I'm too scared. And I know that is wrong. "The Racnoss. She..."

I can't end the sentence.

But the Doctor does. He looks away and walks into the console room, sits down to get back into his converse. Red ones, this time. Along with a brand new, blue suit.

New Doctor, same face. Same ghosts?

"She lied, Izzy. And you know why I know it." It's not a question, it's a statement. And instead of his sadness, there is more of his anger, silently whispered, but still the most lethal thing in the universe. "I was there. Nobody survived."

His eyes are hidden from my view.

"But there were Daleks, who survived, too!" I take a step toward him, with a smile and eagerness. I need him to be sane. I need him to see that there is a possibility he might not be alone. Because otherwise the shaken trust inside myself will collapse and I don't know what will happen then. "What if someone survived too -"

The Doctor roars and jumps to his feet. His fists are clenched and there is fire in his eyes.

_"You can stop now, Doctor."_

_He's insane._

"They are dead, Izzy. All of them! I saw them die and I can feel that I'm the only one left in the whole wide universe!" He slams his fist onto his chest, pointing at the spot where his two hearts are. I feel myself stumbling backwards, away from him, but he mimics my movements. "Comparing it to Daleks who _did_ survive just shows me how much I failed. I saved them but I lost my people. What does that make me?!"

I want to leave, crawl back into the Tardis where he can't reach me, but if I go there now, he might never be calm again. So I say the first thing that comes to my mind.

"It makes you human, Doctor." It is barely a whisper, but he hears me. He always hears me.

I look into his eyes, let him see my fear and in return, I can watch the anger subside in his eyes.

And then the last of the Time Lords, probably the most powerful being in the universe, collapses to his knees.

In the silence, I can hear him fight against his tears. Against feelings and confusion.

Maybe he asks himself what he is also. Maybe he is scared too.

And because we're two scared beings in this moment, nothing more than that, I walk over to him. Slowly, not zapping, so he can stop me, if he wants.

I kneel in front of him, staring at his bent head.

"Izzy," he says silently. "You know that it can't be true. There are no other Time Lords left."

I nod. "No."

He breathes, in and out, still hiding his expression and his eyes from me.

"No", he repeats. "Because I couldn't bear the vain hope." His hand covers my holographic one. "So I'll endure the guilt. It's easier."

"Doctor," I whisper.

Finally, the Doctor looks up and though his cheeks are wet, his eyes are already dry again. And he smiles. "I'm sorry I scared you, Izzy. I'll never do that again, I promise." His hand leaves mine and touches my cheek. I want to close my eyes and imagine I can feel the warmth, but I can't. As much as I can't find words, can't find an answer.

_Don't promise something you can't keep._

He waits for me, waits for absolution, but when I don't say anything, he leans forward.

His eyes meet mine. "Are we good?"

_And I won't promise something I can't keep, Doctor. I won't promise I'll never be scared of you. _

I nod and smile, as good as I can manage. "We are."

The Doctor smiles back and this time, it's more like him again. More sane. More normal.

He comes closer and embraces my holographic body, his breath against my cheek. I wish I could feel it.

We stay like this for an eternity, and while we sit there, so close and so distant at the same time, I promise something, at last.

_I'll endure the vain hope, Doctor._

_As long as the universe is willing to keep us alive. _


	17. Chapter 16: The Investigation Begins

Donna had left.

That was it. There was no more to it than the simple fact that she had turned down the Doctor's request and just left.

That was something different. People don't usually just _walk away _from the Doctor. Not without at least giving his offer a chance. Some leave after a few travels, realising that this life that the Doctor, and I with him, are forced to lead is dangerous. Some come in and out of our lives; one minute they travel with us, the next they are tucked up at home again. Some are lost along the way, through death, or sacrifice, or just simply lost in the universe, hiding in places where even _I _cannot take the Doctor.

_Rose Tyler._

That name tugs painfully on my heart.

She had turned down the offer initially, I remember suddenly. But I had been able to trick the Doctor into bringing her back. But not even I can bring Donna back this time.

_Donna Noble._

A new name. A new face. A new story, just waiting to be told. I had saved her, and then she had left us. But I know what Donna will never know, what the Doctor will never know, because I am the Tardis, and I know things that even the universe tries to keep a secret.

Donna thinks that when she turned her back on the Doctor, she would never see him again.

But I know that her story just wasn't ready to be told yet.

* * *

I am sitting cross-legged on my favourite spot on top of the central console, surveying the scene below me. The Doctor is preparing himself for something; the first time I have seen him so excited since Rose was lost to us.

_"You are not the last of the Time Lords, Doctor."_

Those words have echoed around the Tardis ever since they were first uttered by the empress. Even after that emotional conversation the Doctor and I had shared on the planet with the underwater suns. Even after I had told him that I believed him, that there was no chance that there could be another Time Lord out there somewhere, despite the reality of what was going on in my head. Those words; they linger in my walls, in the floor, in the central cylinder and at the very centre of this ship – in my mind. I can tell they are living inside the Doctor's head as well because he often has this distant, far-away look in his eyes, like he is dreaming of home. Of Gallifrey. Of his people that I never got to meet, because those events happened before he escaped his planet in an untamed blue box, before I was ever captured against my will and caged in at the centre of his ship. The Doctor and I share so many memories but those ones are for him alone.

Sometimes, when it's late at night and we are floating among the stars, I gently press him to tell me something about those memories that I cannot share. I wonder what the Doctor would have been like as a child, growing up on that red planet with its two suns, and all the things that he would have seen. I want to know what happened on that fateful day when his people were lost, because I want to _understand. _But he never volunteers this information, not after the brief story he gave me when I was first eaten by the time vortex. He always turns away, studying his hands, telling me that it all seems so long ago and that he has changed so much since then, that telling me about it is unnecessary. I want to know, but I guess I can understand that. After all, it is not often that I tell him about my life before I became his faithful ship.

But now, no matter what he may have told me on that planet, I can see something new in his eyes. Sometimes the emotions there are so complex; it can be hard to place them. But whatever concoction of feelings are brewing there behind his eyes, I can always see hope. Even though he tries his best to hide that from me. Hope that maybe, just maybe, he is not alone. That there may be someone out there who _is _able to share those memories with him.

And so we've continued to act like nothing is wrong. That we never had that conversation. That the Racnoss's words were just a figment of our imaginations. That the only reason we want to investigate the Huon Particles is only because of the fact that they are dangerous. We are back to our normal Izzy/Doctor banter. The possibility that there may be another Time Lord out there is a subject that we rarely talk about.

That doesn't stop me from trying though, every once in a while, to bring the subject up.

"So what's the plan?" I ask, watching him as he throws on his favourite suit. It looks good on him; always has done from the first moment I convinced him to try it on, and now he won't go anywhere without it.

"The hospital." He looks at me incredulously, as if I should have known this all along.

I chuckle to myself. Even now, he forgets that, even though I have been his ship for a countless number of years, I'm still not a mind-reader. "I'm sure that makes sense in there," I laugh, pointing at him, "but it's not quite making sense in _here_," I finish, touching my finger to my head.

He looks at me blankly and then, slowly, a smile begins to spread across his face and he laughs lightly to himself. I instantly materialise next to him, but he doesn't jump, not this time. His body is already pumped full of adrenaline with this new plan of his, this new focus in his life to fuel his energy since Rose left. I lift a finger to gently brush through his hair, my fingers passing through the soft strands. No touch. Never any touch. But this is a level of intimacy that only we can understand.

"Explain to me what's going on in here," I say softly and gently. There are depths to this question; I am not simply talking about the plan and he knows it. But he doesn't take the bait.

"Well, Izzy, hospitals are the perfect place to start investigating Huon Particles." He begins to pace around the central console, leaving my finger suspended in mid-air, so I let my arm fall back to my side, never taking my eyes off of him. "Huon particles were used during the Time War. They are small, deadly and powerful, meaning that they were the perfect fuel for the Racnoss ships. But we – the Time Lords – knew that that was only using a small amount of the power that they were capable of producing."

"Enough power to wake the Racnoss at the centre of the earth," I muse, thinking back on our most recent meeting with the deadly little particles.

"Yes," he affirms, still pacing around the console, sonic screwdriver now in hand. "The Time Lords knew their deadly potential and we destroyed them. At least, destroyed as many as we could. The rest, the ones that even we could not destroy, were hidden away in the hearts of our unfinished ships. The ones that were untamed, that had no soul, that would burn when Gallifrey burned, destroying the particles with it. Only – one of those ships did manage to escape…." He breaks off, a distant memory playing in his mind.

"So that's why they're at the centre of the Tardis?" I ask, but the answer seems obvious to me so when he nods in agreement, it's no surprise.

"Yes. So I believed I was in control of the last remaining Huon particles, convinced that they would never escape or be stolen. I knew you wouldn't let that happen either. After all, you've always known they were there and that they were deadly, didn't you?" He stops and his eyes watch me carefully, and now it is my time to nod in agreement. For it is true. I was always aware that there was something deadly in that room, something which should remain there for eternity and never be allowed to get out. But now the threads of a new thought are starting to arrange themselves in my mind.

"You are not the last of the Time Lords, Doctor," I echo bravely. "You think another Time Lord stole a ship, like you did? With Huon Particles captured inside? Only – only, this person is not on our side and wants to start chaos with them?" It would certainly explain why the Doctor hasn't been eager to express joy about the possibility of another Time Lord. This would mean trouble for both of us.

He remains silent for a while, and I hold my breath, waiting for him to speak, to nod or shake his head, or to do anything that might suggest his opinion on this idea. But there is nothing. His mind is firmly lodged in the past. Then suddenly, he jerks his head back to the future and turns away from me, continuing to pace around the console room again.

"So, Izzy, Huon particles can be created in an inactive and active form. The active form is the one at the centre of this ship. The inactive form can be created by using a hydrogen base." He has changed the subject back to practical matters and I allow him to, hoping that one day he will let me inside his mind, while also feeling certain that he will not. "This form is liquid, and can only be activated inside a living being. That's what happened with Donna. The inactive form was mixed with other liquids and Donna drank it, allowing the particles to activate inside her. That can take six months or just a few minutes to happen. But you have to be careful when doing that, because if the subject takes too much of the inactive form, they can die from poisoning, rendering them useless. It's all a question of balance."

I allow this information to sink in. Everything that I know about Huon particles has come from my understanding of what has always been stored safely in my ship and the information in the Time Vortex. And now, what I witnessed with Donna. So hearing all this information about active and inactive forms from the Doctor interests me greatly.

"I understand, but then, why the hospital?" I ask him, as this albeit interesting information still hasn't allowed me to understand his plan.

"If you had access to Huon particles, and you were trying to activate them in as many humans as you could, you would want to find a place where it would be possible to insert the inactive particles into liquid as easily and as often as you could. Furthermore, if you got the balance wrong, you would need a place where it wouldn't be suspicious for people to die." He looks at me, excitement gleaming in his eyes and suddenly, everything clicks into place.

"The hospital!" I exclaim.

"Yes, Izzy," he says, grinning at me. "The hospital. Patients everywhere, receiving various medicines all the time, which could easily be contaminated with particles. And dying is common in such a place."

"So, you're going to investigate, yeah? See what you can find?"

"Yes." He is now standing by the door of my prison, with his head turned back to look at me. "Well, not me exactly. John Smith. Admitted with abdominal pains." He winks at me. "I don't know for sure that anything will be happening there. But, you never know until you try. You never know what you might…," his voice drifts off slowly, "find."

Somehow I get the feeling he wasn't thinking about finding some_thing _but some_one._

"See ya later, Izzy," he says, before stepping out into the cool air of Earth and closing my doors behind him.

I watch the back of those same doors, wishing that I could, just this once, step out with him.

"Good luck, Doctor," I whisper under my breath.

_As long as the universe is willing to keep us alive._


	18. Chapter 17: Smith and Jones

When the Doctor leaves me behind to go and explore the new place in which we have found ourselves, I never know how long he will be gone for. Sometimes it is only a matter of minutes before he comes running back through my doors. Sometimes it can be hours, sometimes days. Sometimes it feels like eternity has passed before I see his face again.

But that is exactly why I'm not worried that the Doctor seems to have been investigating this hospital for a long time.

_If you don't expect something to happen, then you won't be disappointed when it doesn't._

And even after all this time, I don't expect him to return to me quickly to give me a breakdown of the situation and request my advice and help. Sometimes he does. But I don't expect it. And that is why I'm never disappointed when he takes forever, enjoying an adventure without me.

Most of the time, when he goes out on his adventures, I either curl up in the heart of the Tardis where I feel safe and close my eyes, surrendering myself to my daydreams, or I surf the Time Vortex, gaining new knowledge, always hopeful that something will pop up in there that will allow me to break free.

But today, I'm anxious, and that means that I've taken to pacing around the console, echoing the movements the Doctor made however long ago. That vision of him battling the Racnoss, godlike power filling his veins like some kind of drug, still will not leave me alone. And that question that circles my mind, a nagging trail of thought that refuses to disintegrate.

_"I thought I gained your trust by now?"_

_ If I can't trust the Doctor, where is the sense in everything?_

Sometimes I'm certain I do, but at other times…

Thankfully, my attention is diverted when my doors open and the Doctor slowly enters the console room. His eyes flash with surprise to see my projection visible; he knows as well as I do that it's not often I remain in the console room while he is away.

"I was waiting for you," I say as a way of an explanation. He nods with understanding before making his way to the steps in the corner of the room, settling down on one of them.

"Any luck finding those Huon particles then?" I ask brightly with forced cheerfulness. It's almost like I can sense that something, though I'm not sure what, didn't go to plan.

"No Huon particles. Just a Plasmavore."

My eyes widen in surprise. "Plasmavore? In a London hospital?"

"Yep, a plasmavore."

His calmness is alarming and I materialise next to him. "Well, you can't just let a plasmav-"

He turns to look at me where I have just appeared. "Izzy! It's ok! It's me, yeah? Of course the plasmavore isn't there anymore! Not that it was _me _who stopped her. The Judoon did a pretty good job of that. With them, and a little diversion by Martha, we got her."

Judoon? _Martha? _I open my mouth to ask all these questions, but all that comes out is a strangled, "What?"

He laughs at the shocked expression on my face. "I'll start at the beginning, right?"

I sit down on the steps next to him. "Right," I say, confused.

He leans back into the step and begins to tell his story. "Martha Jones was the trainee doctor who was looking after me at the hospital. I was John Smith, admitted with abdominal pains remember? And she was being observed while examining me."

So Martha Jones is a _human. _Involuntarily, my gaze shifts to my doors, almost as if I'm expecting her to walk into the Tardis any minute now. After all, this is the usual pattern of events when another human girl becomes close to the Doctor.

"Very observant human, that Martha," he says thoughtfully. "First, she noticed that I had two hearts. Then, that the rain was going up. Thirdly, that we were on the moon. And lastly, that we were still somehow able to breathe. That's how I realised that whoever had brought us to the moon with this weird rain had kindly provided us with a force field."

"You were on the moon! Without me!" It sounds weird, but I somehow don't like it when the Doctor finds other means of transport and leaves me behind on some planet. Even if that planet happened to be my own this time.

"Well, it's not like I had booked the tickets and everything, Izzy! It was as much as a surprise to me as it was to everyone else in that hospital." He grins at me. "No need to be jealous."

I don't want to smile back at him, but somehow I can't help it. So I try and hide it by questioning, "So what happened?"

"Well, that's when the Judoon appeared."

"Ah, so that's why you were on the moon. Mutual territory and all that." At least something is making sense to me.

"Exactly. They were looking for a non-human entity."

"But you're a Time Lord," I say, and I realise how stupid that sounded as soon as it slips out my mouth.

"Oh really? Well observed, Izzy," he laughs dryly. "Well, as you so correctly pointed out, I am also not human. Which meant I had to hide from the Judoon _and _deal with the Plasmavore."

"Sounds like a normal day's work to me," I grin back at him, and he returns the smile.

"Exactly. One hour to save the hospital before the air runs out. What do you think I did?"

Even now, the Doctor's solutions to situations like these never fail to amaze me. I may know almost as much about the universe as the Doctor, but I am still human, with a human mind, and I don't think I'll ever have the ability to think my way out of problems like he does. After all, I'm still trapped in this blue ship, aren't I?

"I have a feeling you're about to tell me," I say lightly, pushing those darker thoughts away.

His eyes start to light up again, the thrill of the solution reawakening inside him. "Well, I got Martha to hold up the Jadoon by kissing her on the lips. Facial contact with alien DNA. That kept them occupied for a while." I blink at this sudden news, but the Doctor doesn't notice. "Lured the Plasmavore to me. And," he grins, "here's the clever part. I let her drink my blood, because she thought I was human and, as you pointed out so astutely before, I am not."

"Doctor!" I can't believe what I'm hearing. "You risked your tenth life for the sake of a _Plasmavore? _What on earth were you thinking? You-"

Again, he interrupts me. "I was thinking that Martha was on her way, not only a trainee doctor, but one who knew I had two hearts and would be able to bring me back."

"Even so," I huff, "I don't want to hear that you've been risking your life over unimportant things like that again. Your ninth life was so short and I don't want a repeat of that, got it?"

He grimaces meekly. "Yes, Izzy," he says in monotone.

"So I'm guessing the Judoon then came in, scanned her, noticed she was non-human, and took her away?" I continue, changing the subject back.

"Yes," he says thoughtfully, "but it was almost like they didn't know what they were looking for." He watches me carefully. "You know the Judoon? They're the police of space. They usually know who is causing trouble this time. But the fact that they found traces of Time Lord DNA on Martha's face suspicious, and that they weren't specifically looking for a Plasmavore, shows me that, this time, they really had no idea who they were searching for."

I catch his trail of thought. "You think there was something else happening there, and the Plasmavore was a diversion for the Judoon?"

He looks so forlorn. "I guess we'll never know. Just glad the humans there seem to be safe now."

"I bet those humans were glad to have _this _Doctor in their hospital," I joke to make him laugh again. But those words have the opposite effect, making him even sadder.

"She said I had to earn that title."

"What?" Once again, I'm back in unknown territory with him. That happens more often than I like these days.

"Martha. She said if I wanted her to call me the Doctor, I had to earn it."

"And did she call you the Doctor?" I ask him softly.

He looks distant for a while, before replying, "Yes. Yes, she did."

My thoughts drift too.

Rose Tyler.

Donna Noble.

_"Find someone." _

_ "I don't need anyone."_

_ "Yes, you do. Because sometimes, I think you need someone to stop you."_

What if I am not enough? I am only a projection. I can't leave this ship and be by his side at all times. Not like a companion can.

_"Doctor, you can stop now."_

_"Very observant human, that Martha."_

"Where is Martha now?" I ask him gently.

"Oh, I don't know," he says, bringing his hand down on his thigh dejectedly. "Probably with her family or something like that."

"I think we should go and find her." A statement, not a question, and he knows it.

"Really?"

"Yeah, really." I watch him, sad for some reason. "Every lonely monster needs a companion."

That makes him chuckle lightly. "You calling me a monster?"

"She probably thinks you are! Alien-boy and all that!" I can't help but laugh, but already I'm crossing the wires at the heart of the ship. I don't need the Doctor to tell me where Martha Jones lives; the Time Vortex is perfectly capable of doing that for me.

"She does not!" he fires back with attitude.

"Well, why don't you go out there and find out?"

"What? You flew us?" He stands up slowly, heading towards the exit in a dream-like state.

"You really do need to pay more attention sometimes!" But he is already gone, the doors closing behind him.

It's not long before I can hear their voices outside my box.

"I went to the moon today," a female voice floats into my ears. I guess that must be Martha.

"A bit more peaceful than down here." That voice is the Doctor's.

"You never even told me who you are," says Martha. One day she'll learn that he never tells anyone who he really is. Not even me.

"The Doctor."

"What sort of species? It's not every day I get to ask that."

I'm already starting to warm to Martha. I like her dry sense of humour.

"I'm a Time Lord," obliges the Doctor.

"Right! Not pompous at all, then."

I chuckle to myself. _Now _I really do like Martha Jones.

"I just thought, since you saved my life and I've got a brand new sonic screwdriver which needs road testing," and because the girl at the heart of his ship told him he can't just travel alone anymore and brought him here without him knowing, "you might fancy a trip."

"What, into space?"

I can hear the excitement in Martha's voice. This is the bit I love. When a new companion learns what I can do, even if they do not know that I am the one doing it, and they get invited inside for the first time.

"Well…" The Doctor trails off. But Martha jumps in.

"But I can't. I've got exams. I've got things to do. I have to go into town first thing and pay the rent, I've got my family going mad."

So many excuses, and I will the Doctor to remember what I told him to tell Rose, that day when she also strung a load of excuses together for his sake.

"If it helps, I can travel in time as well," comes the Doctor's voice, and I smile brightly. Because he remembers.

"Get out of here!"

"I can," he says calmly.

"Come on now, that's going too far."

_Of course, space is believable, but time is not, _I think to myself, smiling again.

"I'll prove it." And suddenly, he is standing back inside the room again.

"You've been eavesdropping, haven't you, Izzy?" he says, but I know that he doesn't mind, so I nod.

"How you gonna prove it? Last time I checked, someone had to be _inside _the Tardis to travel in time with us?"

"This morning, in the hospital, when she thought I was just an ordinary human, she asked me if she had met me before, because someone like me had walked up to her and taken off his tie in front of her. I thought she'd gone a bit potty to be honest. But I guess that sounds like the kind of cheap trick I would pull to convince someone I could travel in time." He winks at me.

I know the Doctor well enough now so this doesn't surprise me. "Where do I need to go then?" I sigh with mock impatience.

"I think she said Chancellor Street or something like that."

It doesn't take me long to locate the place and to land there earlier this morning, hidden away from the public. He runs out the door, his long coat billowing behind him and returns back only 5 minutes later. A further 5 minutes later, and he is walking back out the doors to face Martha again.

"Told you."

I don't listen to the rest of the conversation as I'm too busy imagining what Martha looks like, how she looks at the Doctor, the gestures that she makes, the things that make her happy. Every human is so very different, and I've come to appreciate that more since I became the Tardis. My ears only prick up when I hear my name.

"And that's your spaceship?" questions Martha.

"It's called the Tardis. Time and Relative Dimension In Space."

_The Agony Rests, Dear Izzy Saunders._

_ Our little secret._

_As long as the universe is willing to keep us alive._

And when she walks in, I don't even listen to the normal babble of wonder. I am too busy watching Martha. Her eyes, shining like stars in the darkness of her smooth skin. Her black hair. The look of wonder on her face. She is so very different from Rose, from Donna, from every other human. She is Martha Jones.

"But is there a crew, like a navigator and stuff? Where is everyone?" If only she knew that if she looked just slightly to her right, I am standing right there. Even though she would never be able to see me.

He can't quite meet her eyes, but I catch him looking at me out of the corner of his eye. "Just me."

Lies.

But right now, I don't even mind. I'm too busy studying Martha. Wondering what role she will have to play in our story.


	19. Chapter 18: Gridlock

"Just one trip. That's what I said. One trip in the Tardis, and then home." The Doctor's voice is strong, almost like he is trying to convince himself that he means it. But I know him so well by now. Martha is a human girl. He is a Time Lord. He'll never be able to resist the urge to show off. "Although I suppose we could stretch the definition. Take one trip into past, one trip into future. How do you fancy that?"

"No complaints from me," Martha announces, at the exact same time that I groan. I know that it was the right thing to do, convincing the Doctor to bring Martha with us on our travels, but we haven't got time for this. And that's saying something, considering, between us, we control time itself. We've already wasted enough time running around in Shakespeare's London! We have Huon Particles to investigate and he's too busy occupying Martha to care.

"How about a different planet?" the Doctor questions, his eyes sparkling. And even though I hate the way he's wasting time, I have to admit to myself that I'm so relieved to see his eyes twinkling like that again.

"Can we go to yours?"

Silence descends in the Tardis. The place that I've always wanted to go back in time and visit; that question that I've been wanting to ask him these last few weeks.

_Can we go back there, Doctor? What if that is where the truth lies?_

_"You are not the last of the Time Lords, Doctor."_

"Ah." The Doctor's voice breaks the silence. "There's plenty of other places."

"Come on, though. I mean, planet of the Time Lords. That's got to be worth a look. What's it like?"

I don't know what is going to happen next, so I settle down on the central console to watch the scene unfold below me.

"Well, it's beautiful, yeah."

"Is it like, you know, outer space cities, all spires and stuff?" If it weren't for the particular line of questioning, I would have to laugh at this crude description of many of the most beautiful cities in the universe.

"I suppose it is," the Doctor admits, his voice slow.

"Great big temples and cathedrals?"

"Yeah," he again admits, reluctantly.

"Lots of planets in the sky?"

Martha is persistent, and finally the Doctor sighs and closes his eyes.

"The sky's a burnt orange, with the Citadel enclosed in a mighty glass dome, shining under the twin suns," he says, his voice dream-like, and I know that he is picturing it beneath is closed eyelids. "Beyond that, the mountains go on forever. Slopes of deep red grass, capped with snow." He stands there in silence, lost in his memories of his planet that was once so beautiful, but is now gone.

"Can we go there?" asks Martha again, unaware of the emotions that must be flowing through the Time Lord she is speaking to.

Abruptly he opens his eyes again. "Nah. Where's the fun for me? I don't want to go home. Instead, this is much better." He turns to face her head-on, leaving his memories behind. "Year five billion and fifty-three, planet New Earth. Second hope of mankind. Fifty thousand light years from your old world, and we're slap bang in the middle of New New York. Although, technically it's the fifteenth New York from the original, so it's New New New New New New New New New New New New New New York. One of the most dazzling cities ever built." He is back to his normal crazy, yet funny, self, yet only I can see the sadness that still lingers in his eyes when he leaves the Tardis, pushing Martha out into the alien city.

And, as always, I hide within the centre of the Tardis, waiting for them to return once more.

* * *

_"Izzy."_

The deep booming voice resounds inside my head, awakening me from my relaxed state. Totally disorientated, I answer, "Doctor?", even though I know that this is not the Doctor's voice.

I hear a deep chuckle within my mind; it echoes around my head. _"No, my dear Izzy. Not quite. Do you not know who I am?"_

Someone is making contact with me? Someone I should know?

But no one can see me? No one other than the Doctor even knows that I exist.

_How can that be?_

_"Because I am a part of you, my dear." _

It's the deep voice again, and I jump, startled. "Who are you, to be able to hear my thoughts?" I ask, nervousness creeping up on me.

_"I told you. I am a part of you. You've always known that. We've always known that. Unless…"_ There is silence while he thinks. _"Unless this is happening before you met me again? Ah – you were never confused when I saw you for the first time. I guess this is why. This is the first time you are talking to me, is that right?"_

The confusion is too much for me to take, and I haven't felt this way since I first became the Tardis, that fateful day in 1963. So completely and utterly out of control, and overwhelmed. My thoughts are not even making sense to me, and all that comes out of my mouth is a strangled, "But how can that be?"

He chuckles in my head again. _"This must be the time when you face the reality of what you did to me for the first time. No wonder you weren't confused when I walked into the Tardis again. You already knew. So, let me tell you how that can be. Because you made it so. You, and that being you call the Wolf."_

_The Wolf? _

Not even the Doctor knows about Rose and I, when we were joined together as the wolf, the Warrior of Light and Flesh which saved his life. How can this being have any idea about that?

I hear that deep chuckle again. _"I already told you my dear, because I am a part of you."_

"Stop doing that!" I cry out, exasperated.

_"I can only stop doing that when you stop thinking. And you are a deep thinker, my dear Izzy. I don't think that will happen any time soon."_

I don't want to believe that this being is a part of me. Yet he, for it is definitely a male voice, seems to understand me so well. Or maybe I'm just going crazy, and I'm having a conversation with myself? No, not even I could descend into a madness that deep.

_"I said I'm a part of you, Izzy. Not that I am you. So don't worry, talking to me is nothing like talking to yourself."_

"Can't you just talk to me straight and tell me who you are?" I cry out again. This is all too much. I don't understand what's happening, and that never happens. Not these days. At least, not often.

He sighs, a deep, weary sigh. It's one that I recognise because the Doctor sighs like this too sometimes. It's a sigh that carries the weight of thousands of years.

"You are old?" I ask again, my voice softer this time, even though he's not answered my first question.

_"Yes, Izzy. I am old. I have seen many things. I am even older than the Doctor himself."_ I can believe it, because I can hear it in his voice.

"How can that be?" My curiosity is awakened. What being could have lived longer than a Time Lord?

_"Again, Izzy, because you made it so. You and the Wolf."_

I don't understand and, at the same time, I _need _to understand. "Won't you tell me who you are? But clearly?" I ask gently. I may not be aware of much that is going on, but I _do _know that I'm talking to one of the oldest beings in the universe, and that deserves respect.

_"To everyone who knows me now, I am the Face of Boe,"_ he answers.

I take a deep sigh of relief. "But I know who you are! You've met the Doctor twice now! He told me about you. You sponsored that trip to watch the Earth die that almost was sabotaged by Cassandra. And then he met you again on New New…" my voice drifts off, as I realise something, "York. That's where we are now." I smile brightly again. "So that's ok then! You're just talking to me from wherever you are. You're not a part of me at all!"

_"I was not finished, Izzy. I said that to _everyone who knows me now_, I am the Face of Boe. There is a difference between what people think I am, and who I really am. You should know that of all people."_ But his voice doesn't sound patronising, nor is it filled with pity. It is filled with understanding.

My voice is barely a whisper, full of apprehension. "That is not who you are?"

_"No. While today, I am known as the Face of Boe, I was once known as Jack Harkness."_

Jack Harkness?

_But that's not possible._

"Jack Harkness was – is – human. How can you be him?" It just can't be true. It's impossible.

_"Izzy, Izzy, Izzy,"_ he says, and even though I cannot see him, I get the impression that he is shaking his head at me_. "You need to listen more carefully. I was _once _known as Jack Harkness. You changed all that. In some ways, I am still him, but you changed what it means to be him."_

"Me? How is that possible? I can't influence anything in this universe, except the Tardis. I am a projection! Nothing more!" A holographic tear drops out of my eye and I wipe it away angrily with the back of my hand. At least I've always been able to control this projection of mine.

_"It's ok, Izzy, really, it's ok. I'm not accusing you of anything. You gave me such a gift, even though it took me a long time to view it as such."_ I can hear him take a deep breath. _"Do you remember that one time when you _did_ have the power to act in the world? When you and Rose were joined as one, and you were the Wolf?"_

I take a deep breath. Now is not the time to break down. "Of course. When I saved the Doctor's life."

_"Yes, and do you remember another human life you saved that day?"_

I think back on that day; a day that seems to me to have taken place a whole lifetime ago. So much has happened between the Doctor and I since then. That was a totally different Doctor from the one that I have come to regard as _mine _now.

_"You don't, do you? With your light, you saved a human called Jack Harkness."_

Now I remember. How I looked into the Doctor's pleading eyes and told him that I could never give away this life that I could have inside Rose's body, because now I was alive, and I had the power to _give life. _And I had located Jack's body from deep within the satellite and shocked his very human heart into beating again.

_"Ah, Izzy. I see you remember now. Let me tell you what happened next. When you saved me that day, a part of your soul was mixed with mine for eternity. I didn't know it at first. But the next time I faced death, and in those olden days of mine that was a fairly frequent occurrence, I must admit,"_ and I can sense a smile on his lips, _"I was dead. But I was aware that I was dead. I could sense that my heart was no longer beating, and I knew that that was not the way it should be and, just by thinking of it, my heart suddenly burst into rhythm again. Ever since then, Izzy, I have never been able to die. Never. I assumed that it was something to do with what happened at the satellite, but I never knew why. Neither did you, for that matter,"_ he says, slowly and thoughtfully. _"Not until much later."_

"I..I don't think I understand." And that's an understatement. I am beyond understanding.

_"Let me put it simply. When you saved me, a part of your soul attached itself to mine. Since then I have never been able to stay dead. Oh, I die. But within seconds my heart beats again. You did something to me, Izzy, that decided the rest of my life that day."_

"But, how? I mean, what did I do? How is that possible?"

He laughs again, deeply and slowly. _"You don't know now, but one day you will. And when you know, you will tell me."_

"Can't you tell me now?" I plead. Even though I'm not sure I _want_ to know what I did to Jack.

_"No, I can't Izzy. Because that is not the way the universe works, and you know that's true. We will spend time wondering you did to me, and the day you discover it, it is a great day for us." _He takes a slow breath. _"But you have to promise me, Izzy, now that this is the first time you have ever spoken to me, that you will never tell me you talked to me like this today."_

"You mean, I will see you again?"

_"Of course. I am a part of you, Izzy. Even though the Doctor will never realise that I know, I will always be able to see you in the Tardis. We can talk and interact, and the Doctor will never know. You and I are tied together forever now."_

_I will always be able to see you in the Tardis._

The excitement is more than I can contain, and a smile breaks out on my face. I may not be able to face the rest of the world, but there will be someone else who will know me as _me. _As _Izzy Saunders _and not a blue box. "But why can't I tell you?"

_"Because when you're going to live as long as I will, you don't want to know how that life ended."_

"Ended?" The smile vanishes. "What do you mean, ended?"

His sad voice echoes through my mind. _"I am dying, Izzy. Don't feel sorry for me, for my time in this universe has ended, and this time, I have no heart to restart my ageing body. I welcome the calmness of death. But that is why I need to talk to you, and why I am glad you came. Just promise me that you will never tell me we talked today, and I will continue."_

I'm torn between sadness, and anticipation. "I promise, Jack. I promise. But I'm truly glad I got to meet you today."

_"And you will meet me many more times, Izzy. This is just the start for you."_

I smile, contentedly. I won't feel sorry that he is dying, because he is right, his time has come, and even though I can't see him, I can feel it in his voice. And I know that this is just the beginning for us.

_"So, Izzy,"_ he continues, his voice grave. _"I need to tell you something important. Something you must not tell the Doctor, for though I wish to give him all these details, the universe does not permit it. Do you understand?" _

"I understand," I answer, my heart beating furiously under my ribcage.

_"The Doctor is not alone. For so long he has believed that to be the case, but he is wrong. So very wrong. Izzy, Utopia is not the paradise that its name suggests and _time_ is running out for all the people there, especially for one clever man who tries his hardest to forget that he is working against the clock. Even though time has always been on his side before. Never trust those in charge, Izzy. For every good leader always has his opponents. That is the natural way of the universe. And the drumming is creeping up on the Doctor, Izzy, it's getting faster and faster and he needs to be prepared. As prepared as he can ever be, because the universe will not permit him to know more than I can tell him."_

"But - "

But he interrupts me quickly. _"No more questions, Izzy, for I cannot answer them. But you need to know what I tell him. It's only fair. I have been in your head, so now it's time for you to be in mine."_

"Jack - " I begin, but suddenly I feel my consciousness drifting away from my own soul; minutes later I am looking out of clouded eyes into the faces of the Doctor and Martha.

_"What did you do?"_ I think, knowing that he will hear my thoughts.

_"Hush now, Izzy. You must listen,"_ is all he says.

Martha creeps up to us – no, him. Like when I was inside the Doctor's mind on Bad Wolf Bay, this is not about me.

"What's that?" she asks curiously.

"It's the Face of Boe. It's all right. Come and say hello. And this is Hame. She's a cat. Don't worry. He's the one that saved you, not me," the Doctor says, crouching down by Jack's head.

_"You saved them?"_ I question him with my thoughts.

_"Always full of questions, Izzy,"_ he replies with his thoughts. _"Yes, I saved them, and the rest of the population. But no more questions. Listen!"_

"My lord gave his life to save the city, and now he's dying," Hame says, confirming what Jack just told me. I can't believe it and I know that he is feeling my gratitude.

"No, don't say that. Not old Boe. Plenty of life left." But I know him too well now, and I know that he knows Jack's dying. He's just trying to convince himself that it isn't the case. Just as always.

"It's good to breathe the air once more," says Jack, talking to the Doctor.

"Who is he?" questions Martha again. It seems to me like she is always full of questions. Just as Rose was.

"I don't even know. Legend says the Face of Boe has lived for billions of years. Isn't that right? And you're not about to give up now."

_But, Doctor, you know that he is. You just won't accept it yet._

_ "Will he ever know who you are?" _I ask Jack tentatively.

_"I have told you too much about your future concerning me. That is something you will have to learn on your own." _I had expected that answer, so I'm not surprised.

"Everything has it's time. You know that, old friend, better than most," he says, turning his attention back to the Doctor and away from me.

"The legend says more," says Hame softly.

_"A legend?" _I ask again, but he doesn't answer. I guess I should just do what he told me to do in the first place and listen.

" Don't. There's no need for that," the Doctor warns, but it doesn't stop Hame from continuing.

"It says that the Face of Boe will speak his final secret to a traveller."

"Yeah, but not yet. Who needs secrets, eh?"

_Because he knows just how much secrets can hurt._

"I have seen so much. Perhaps too much. I am the last of my kind, as you are the last of yours, Doctor." He is the _only _one of his kind, I realise with a shock. The only human like him ever to have existed, and just because of me.

"That's why we have to survive. Both of us. Don't go," he says, almost pleading. I know that he can't bear to lose someone else now, even though he doesn't even know who he's talking to.

"I must. But know this, Time Lord. You are not alone."

_"That's all you can tell him!" _I cry out in indignation.

_"That's all I am permitted to tell him. And that's all he must know, unless he learns the rest by himself. Goodbye Izzy." _And as he breathes out his final breath, I am thrown out of his mind, colliding with the central cylinder of the Tardis. I never even get to see the Doctor's reaction to his words and his death.

I am a box once more.

* * *

It is later that same evening. I'm standing by the doors of the blue box, never permitted to step outside, but at least I can see the world outside from here. Right now, I'm watching the Doctor and Martha, as they talk about what they learned from Jack.

"But what did he mean, the Face of Boe?" Martha questions. "You're not alone."

"I don't know."

"You've got me. Is that what he meant?" Her eyes are shining at the thought of this,and for the first time, I realise just how much he has come to mean to her.

But the Doctor doesn't notice this, and crushes her hope without even realising it. He looks right at me. "I don't think so. Sorry."

_ Does he think Jack was talking about me?_

_ He really thinks Jack was talking about me!_

"Then what?"

He sighs dejectedly, before standing up and walking towards my open doors. "Doesn't matter. Back to the Tardis, off we go"

But Martha straightens up a chair and sits down, arms and legs crossed.

The Doctor turns back to look at her. "All right, are you staying?"

"Till you talk to me properly, yes," she says, her voice determined. "He said last of your kind. What does that mean?"

"It really doesn't matter."

"You don't talk. You never say. Why not?"

_Because the pain is too much for him to bear sometimes. _

"I lied to you, because I liked it. I could pretend. Just for a bit, I could imagine they were still alive, underneath a burnt orange sky." He takes a deep, sad breath, not unlike the one that Jack made earlier in my head. "I'm not just a Time Lord. I'm the last of the Time Lords. The Face of Boe was wrong. There's no one else." But he continues to watch me, and even though I shake my head at him, for I know what he is thinking, he continues to stare at me with steel in his eyes.

"What happened?"

And for the first time, the Doctor opens up about his past, not only to Martha, but to me too. "There was a war. A Time War. The last Great Time War. My people fought a race called the Daleks, for the sake of all creation. And they lost. They lost. Everyone lost. They're all gone now. My family, my friends, even that sky." He closes his eyes, just like he did this morning, seeing Gallifrey on the back of his eyelids. "Oh, you should have seen it, that old planet. The second sun would rise in the south, and the mountains would shine. The leaves on the trees were silver, and when they caught the light every morning, it looked like a forest on fire. When the autumn came, the breeze would blow through the branches like a song."

I watch a faded smile flicker on his lips and I can't help but imagine that someone else, some other Time Lord out there, dreams of that same sky too.


	20. Chapter 19: The Lazarus Experiment

The Doctor barely speaks as he and I navigate Martha away from past-New York back to present day London. I know what he's thinking; that he has given away too many of his private thoughts to Martha and he knows how scary it can be when you become to trust another person like that. When it comes to me, he has no choice. But he doesn't want Martha to become another Rose. Not that I think he'll ever let himself become that attached to another human again.

Martha asks him further questions, trying to see how much he will tell her about his home planet now that he has opened up about some of his memories there after the events in New New Earth. But I know him better than Martha ever will, and I know that he will never do this. In fact, Martha doesn't even know that we are currently flying her home; Doctor's orders, not mine.

"There we go," he says, not even looking at her. "Perfect landing. Which isn't easy in such a tight spot." With the slightest twitch of his lips he smiles at me, and I know that I should take this as a compliment. I have come far from that first ever flight on Totter's Lane and we both know it.

"You should be used to tight spots by now," Martha jokes, but he doesn't even smile. Inwardly sighing, she gives up and says, "Where are we?"

"The end of the line. No place like it," he says, before walking over to my doors and opening them, watching as Martha steps outside. I materialise by the open doors in order to see what happens when she realises where she is.

"Home? You took me home?" she questions, surprised and disappointed all at once.

"In fact, the morning after we left, so you've only been gone about twelve hours. No time at all, really," he replies, as if that would really make up for it.

"But all the stuff we've done. Shakespeare, New New York, old New York?"

"Yep, all in one night, relatively speaking." I wish he would stop going on about the wonder of time travel and how it was amazing that so many things could be done in such a short space of time. He knows that she's not talking about that. Instead he tries to change the subject. "Everything should be just as it was. Books, CDs, laundry. So, back were you were, as promised."

_A promise that the Doctor kept._

_She doesn't realise how lucky she is._

_Even if it's not a promise she liked._

"This is it?" She stares at him, incredulous.

"Yeah," he replies, not meeting her eyes. Even _he_ has the decency to feel bad. "I should probably…er…"

But he is saved by the bell – literally. The phone in the corner of the room starts to ring and neither Martha or the Doctor make any move to answer it; they just stare at it like this phone is the new alien on Earth. Only after the voicemail message has finished, does Martha speak.

"I'm sorry."

But I'm not sure any of us are really sure what she is sorry for.

Her mum's voice leaks out of the machine. "Martha, are you there? Pick it up, will you?"

"It's Mum," she says, for lack of anything else to say. "It'll wait."

"All right then, pretend that you're out if you like," her mother's voice continues from the machine, almost as if she can hear the conversation in this room. "I was only calling to say that your sister's on TV. On the news of all things. Just thought you might be interested."

Martha and the Doctor share a curious look before Martha turns on the TV and switches it onto the news channel, scanning the screen for her sister.

All that we can see on the screen, however, is an elderly grey-haired man talking to a bunch of reporters. I can just make out the words, "The details are top secret," before the screen changes view and a woman who looks very much like Martha appears in the corner of the screen.

"How could Tish end up on the news?" Martha muses, but the Doctor doesn't seem to care. He is too busy focusing on the words of the elderly man.

"Tonight, I will demonstrate a device which will redefine our world," he continues to say to the sea of reporters who are frantically trying taking his picture, vying for the best positions.

"She's got a new job. PR for some research lab," Martha continues, seemingly oblivious to the fact that the Doctor is no longer listening to a word she is saying.

"With the push of a single button, I will change what it means to be human," the elderly man finishes with a flourish, and the reporters all start screaming his name as he tries to escape them. I try to get a good look at his face but Martha switches the TV off suddenly, turning to face the Doctor again. Inwardly, I curse.

Did she not just hear what he said?

Moreover, how can the _Doctor _be ignoring it?

"Sorry. You were saying we should...?" Martha continues tentatively.

"Yes, yes, we should. One trip is what we said."

_No, one trip is what _you _said. _

"And is anyone caring about what that _man on the TV_ just said?" I call from the doors of the blue box, feeling the anger start to flow through my veins again. Times like this, I wish more than ever that I was more than just a projection, that I had a voice. A _real _voice, with substance, like everyone else.

"Yeah. I suppose things just kind of escalated," she says, even though I can tell that is not what she is thinking at all.

"Mmm. Seems to happen to me a lot." He makes no sign that he heard anything I had said, which just makes me feel angrier and lonelier than ever.

"Thank you," she says, sincerely. "For everything."

"It was my pleasure."

And then he steps back inside my doors into my prison, and presses a button, taking me away from Earth.

"What do you think you're doing?" I ask him, now more than just angry. How can he be so stupid, so blind? "Get back there, now!"

"Woah, Izzy what did I do to you?" He looks at me critically. "It's not Martha, is it?" His eyes narrow. "It is, isn't it! You're angry because I left Martha behind and…"

"Doctor, stop," I shout, forcing him to stop mid-sentence. Slowly, I calm down my voice, even though I don't want to, just because I know it will make him actually _listen _to me. "Did you not listen to that old man?"

I can see him thinking, replaying back every word of that conversation in the living room. Suddenly he jumps up, simultaneously making me jump too, pressing another button, so that we materialise back into Martha's life.

"No, I'm sorry. Did he say he was going to change what it means to be human?" he questions, sticking his head around my doors, and I can breathe again.

* * *

I'm restless. Normally I'm happy, well, as happy as I can be, waiting for the Doctor and the current companion to return while sitting in the heart of the Tardis, or by surfing the Time Vortex for any information that may help me escape my prisoner-like existence. But not today. Today I keep replaying the words that Jack spoke to me three days ago, billions of years in the future.

The only thing that I'm almost certain about is that there must be another Time Lord out there somewhere. Not only did Jack repeat the words of the Racnoss; "You are not alone," but he told me that time is running out for a man somewhere, a man who is trying his hardest to forget he is working against the clock, even though time used to be on his side. Does that mean this unknown Time Lord is in danger? Does he need our help?

But then, contrastingly, it sounds like the _Doctor _is the one in trouble. Frustrated, I close my eyes, remembering what Jack told me.

_"And the drumming is creeping up on the Doctor, Izzy, it's getting faster and faster and he needs to be prepared."_

If only I could figure out the rest of the riddle. What on earth is Utopia? I am the Tardis, I can travel through time and space, yet I have never heard of such a place. And why should I not trust those in charge? No one is in charge of me. Not even the Doctor.

Fuelled with restless energy, I materialise myself forcefully into the console room. I don't know why, but I have a feeling I should be worried for the Doctor. And, even though I rarely ever do this, I turn on the Time Vortex surfer with the intention of keeping an eye on him.

Within seconds, the pictures of the Time Vortex come into focus, surrounding me everywhere I turn my head. Zooming in for a closer look, I can see that the Doctor, Martha, some people who I assume are members of her family, and others are gathered in a small hall. Standing in front of a large contraption with four tall columns is the elderly grey-haired man who I saw earlier on the TV.

Tapping his glass to get the attention of the crowd, he addresses the large audience before him. I can hear his voice as clearly as I could if I were physically standing in the room. "Ladies and gentlemen, I am Professor Richard Lazarus, and tonight I am going to perform a miracle." I don't even realise that I'm holding my breath. There is something _wrong _about this man; I can feel it, the Time Vortex can feel it and the blue box I am encased in can feel it. "It is, I believe, the most important advance since Rutherford split the atom, the biggest leap since Armstrong stood on the moon. Tonight, you will watch and wonder. Tomorrow, you will wake to a world which will be changed forever."

I have to admit, he has certainly mastered the art of public speaking. The crowd are one hundred percent on his side, all except the Doctor, who is curiously inspecting the large contraption behind Professor Lazarus and all the wiring that makes it work that is bundled together on the right hand side. I'm trying _not _to look at it. Every time I do, the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.

Instead, the crowd and I watch with bated breath as Professor Lazarus steps inside the weird contraption and closes the door behind him so that he is encased in the machine. _Like me, yet not like me _I can't help but think, even though that has nothing to do with what I'm about to witness – whatever that will be.

A few scientists step forwards, pressing various buttons before finally pressing down on a larger red one. This clearly starts up the machine, as the instant it is pressed, the four columns start to oscillate, rotating around the chamber, faster and faster, pouring energy into it. The effect is almost hypnotising. But then I'm jerked to attention by the sound of an alarm, its siren piercing.

The Doctor looks over at the controls, agitated. "Something's wrong! It's overloading!"

I certainly know a lot more about machines and I have to agree. The controls are starting to spark and smoke is billowing as the plastic wires start to melt. The Doctor rushes over towards the smoky bundle of wires, pulling out his sonic screwdriver in the process and firing sonic energy at the nearest control.

An older lady steps forwards with urgency and speaks sharply with all the command of someone who is used to having authority. "Somebody stop him. Get him away from those controls!"

Not even stopping his work on the controls, which are now close to blowing up, he shouts across the room at the woman. "If this thing goes up, it'll take the whole building with it. Is that what you want?"

The woman pauses, shocked more by the fact that someone could dare challenge her than by the content of what he said. But she doesn't say another word, to my satisfaction.

Finally, the Doctor pulls out a big power cable and the contraption slowly starts to ease its rapid rotation, before finally coming to a halt. Martha rushes over to the contraption and the Doctor shouts after her, "Get it open!" as she pulls on the heavy door that Lazarus had stepped through minutes before.

A man staggers out. But not just any man. Something has changed.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I am Richard Lazarus. I am seventy six years old, and I am reborn!"

I stare at him in complete shock. Gone is his white hair, his aged, wrinkled face. In its place is the smooth, unblemished skin of a young man, the blonde hair thick and healthy again and new energy gleaming in those brown eyes. It's not just creepy, it's _wrong. _As is the machine itself, which I'm still trying not to make eye contact with.

"It can't be the same guy. It's impossible. It must be a trick." Hearing Martha's voice, I focus back on the pictures playing in the Time Vortex. The two of them are watching Lazarus from afar while he is surrounded by reporters, eager to take his picture.

The Doctor frowns, running his hand over his forehead. "Oh, it's not a trick. I wish it were."

"What just happened then?"

"He just changed what it means to be human."

And he has. He stepped inside a machine for five minutes, and in that time, he has changed the meaning of _I _for every human on Earth. Because now, people can decide what _I _actually looks like. I'm utterly speechless. This isn't meant to happen. No human should have that kind of power.

I focus again on the pictures in the Time Vortex when I notice that Lazarus, young Lazarus, is now talking to the Doctor.

"You speak as if you see this every day, Mister?" he says, his mouth still full of the food he was eating to replenish the energy he lost.

The Doctor faces him with all the confidence of a Time Lord. "Doctor," he corrects, and I can't help but chuckle to myself. "And well, no, not every day, but I have some experience of this kind of transformation."

Lazarus eyes him cautiously, while continuing to smile. "That's not possible."

"Using hypersonic sound waves to create a state of resonance. That's inspired."

"You understand the theory, then," Lazarus states, keeping his cool surprisingly well, though I can see the caution in his eyes.

"Enough to know that you couldn't possibly have allowed for all the variables."

"No experiment is entirely without risk..."

"That thing nearly exploded," he interrupts, eying Lazarus as he continues to eat. "You might as well have stepped into a blender."

The lady who had commanded people to stop the Doctor earlier steps forward, butting her way into the conversation. "You're not qualified to comment," she says with the same air of authority as before, but the effect is not as strong as last time, since it is clear even to Lazarus that the Doctor knows what he's talking about.

"If I hadn't stopped it, it would have exploded," he says, with an air of exasperation.

"Then I thank you, Doctor. But that's a simple engineering issue. What happened inside the capsule was exactly what was supposed to happen. No more, no less."

"You've no way of knowing that until you've run proper tests," Martha replies, bravely speaking up.

Lazarus turns to her, laughing. "Look at me. You can see what happened. I'm all the proof you need."

The lady then speaks again, trying to defend the Professor. "This device will be properly certified before we start to operate commercially."

"Commercially?" Martha looks her, horrified. "You are joking. That'll cause chaos!"

"Not chaos, change," says Lazarus, meeting her horrified gaze. "A chance for humanity to evolve," he faces the Doctor, "to improve."

"This isn't about improving," the Doctor spits out, and I can see the steel in his eyes. "This is about you and your customers living a little longer."

"Not a little longer, Doctor. A lot longer." He smiles. "Perhaps indefinitely."

I fade away from the pictures in the Time Vortex. I've seen all that I need to see. I know the Doctor well, I know that he will do his own tests and find out exactly what Lazarus has done to himself. And I have my own research to do.

For it is clear to me that this is not something that Lazarus has done on his own. That machine in the hall is superior technology, beyond anything that humans at this time could ever accomplish, let alone a single elderly man on his own. There is something alien about this, and that is where my research lies.

"Who is Professor Lazarus working for?" I command of the Time Vortex and, as always, it is quick to provide me with the necessary answers. New pictures appear around me and I settle down to study them.

I'm looking at an office, a very large one. Two figures are standing together in deep conversation and, as I zoom closer, I realise that I'm looking at Lazarus and the lady who always seems to follow him around. But this is the past I'm looking at, for Lazarus is still wearing his wrinkled skin.

"Are you sure it's safe?" the woman questions him.

"There were some issues," Lazarus admits. "They've been resolved, though. I'm confident I'm in no serious danger."

"That's comforting, Richard, but it wasn't just you I was worried about."

"Your concern is touching," he answers sarcastically.

"The people in that room will represent billions of pounds worth of potential investment. Mister Saxon wants to be sure they like what they see."

"Don't worry, our friend will get his money's worth," he finishes, just as Martha's sister steps into the room. The pictures around me slowly fade to black.

_Mister Saxon?_

Who on earth is Mister Saxon? And how did he come to learn of such advanced technology?

Thinking of that machine causes a prickling sensation in my skin and, as if on cue, the hairs all over my skin stand up again. Something is _wrong _about that machine, I can sense it.

"Take me back to the hall where Lazarus transformed," I order the Time Vortex, and soon I am back in said place. The public are still enjoying the party going on, but Lazarus is nowhere to be seen.

Taking a deep breath, I control the pictures until I'm passing through the walls of the machine. Now I'm 'standing' exactly where Lazarus changed history. But because of who I am, I can do more than just that. Through the pictures, I sink myself into the heart of the contraption, examining all of the machinery. What I find literally takes my breath away until I lose all control of the Time Vortex, flying back into the Tardis within seconds.

_The centre of this machine is filled with Huon particles._


	21. Chapter 20: Mister Saxon

_Huon particles?_

_ How can the centre of this machine be filled with huon particles?_

I lie on the floor of the blue box, trying to catch my breath again, the image of those particles haunting my memory. The last time I encountered them in their liquid form, not in the active, yet harmless, state they are in one of my distant rooms, they almost completely damaged me. Seeing them again is enough to create that creeping sensation up my throat, that fear which grabs me with unforgiving hands and refuses to let go.

When I feel a little stronger, I reposition myself in front of the Time Vortex with a single zap. I don't know what to do, but I do know that I have to do something.

_And not just for me, but for the Doctor too._

_ "And the drumming is creeping up on the Doctor, Izzy, it's getting faster and faster and he needs to be prepared."_

If only I knew what he needed to be prepared for.

I stare at the swirling screens that I'm able to access the Time Vortex through, trying to conjure up the right questions that will answer everything.

"What does the Doctor need to be prepared for?" I ask of it, more in hope than in expectation.

"Error. Non-applicable question." The voice of the Time Vortex is my voice, it has always been my voice, and although that was incredibly eerie at first, I have grown used to it. I guess it makes sense, since the Time Vortex did eat me.

"Right then," I mutter to myself. "What is this drumming?"

"Error. Non-applicable question," repeats my voice, the voice of the Time Vortex.

"Who is Mister Saxon?" I try again, pleading with the Time Vortex.

"Error. Non-applicable question."

"No!" I punch the Time Vortex with all the built up frustration that I carry inside me, watching as my holographic hand splinters off in millions of tiny orange sparks, before resuming its solidity or, at least, as solid as a holographic hand can be. "That can't be! How can someone exist that the Time Vortex has no knowledge of! Why won't you help me!"

"I can only show you what the universe knows," replies my voice in its Time Vortex-monotone form.

"Yeah, yeah, I know," I mutter, "I wasn't actually _asking._" I take a deep breath, tucking this latest information on Mister Saxon at the back of my mind. Instead, I focus on something else. I know what huon particles do. They convert people, they change them into something else, something non-human. And usually these non-human entities are highly deadly. So why are they here, inside a machine that simply takes the years away from a person's body? It's wrong, I know that, but it's not exactly deadly. And whatever Mister Saxon is intending to achieve with this machine, I doubt 'non-deadly' is the plan.

"Let's try another. Tell me a bit more about Professor Lazarus. What exactly has this machine done to him?"

The swirling screens slowly morph into a new image, and I sit a little closer, eager to see what the universe _does _actually know about this whole situation. Slowly, the image comes into focus, and I'm looking at the professor and his female sidekick again, only this time it's after the machine has done its work on the former. They are standing in his office once again, only this time they are looking out over the city of London, its lights gleaming and sparkling in the darkness.

"I grew up over there," says Lazarus, gesturing vaguely out the window. "A tiny flat above a butchers shop."

"It'll have a blue plaque there soon. 'Richard Lazarus lived here'."

"It's gone," he interjects, his voice distant and dreamy. "Destroyed in the war. The bombing."

"Of course," she replies, subdued.

"1940. Do you remember? Night after night. Explosions, guns, firestorm." His eyes never leave the view of the city below him, as if he is imagining how it was back then, his mind firmly locked in the past.

"My parents had sent me to the country by then."

He makes no indication that he heard her words. "When the sirens went, we'd go to the cathedral there. We used to shelter in the crypt. The living cowering among the dead."

"But look what you've built here, now," she stresses, and he finally turns to look at her. "You've built the foundations for an Empire. An empire we can rule together." She wraps her arms around his shoulders and pulls him in for a kiss, and for a while it seems like he is happy enough kissing her back, but suddenly the newly reborn man pulls away.

She looks up at him, surprised. "Well, what's wrong?"

He meets her gaze with a look of pure disgust, wiping the remains of the kiss off his lips with the back of his hand. Grabbing hold of her chin, he forces her head round until she is looking at her own reflection in the window. "Look at yourself, woman!"

"It's me who made all this possible! This is my triumph, and I will not be denied, not by you, not after everything I've done!"

"You backed me because you saw a profit," he contradicts, his voice icy cold. "Your concern was financial."

"Well, you want the money as much as I do!" Her voice is indignant, daring him to challenge her. She doesn't even notice that he's starting to look a little pale. "We had a plan. When the device is ready, I'll be rejuvenated, too. We could be rich and young and together."

"You'd think I'd waste another lifetime on you?"

She looks like he just slapped her in the face. "Did that process make you even more cruel?"

"No, my love. That I learned from you." His tone is patronising, and though she raises her eyebrows, she still remains silent. "You have a gift for it."

That pushes her over the edge. With that same voice of authority that she used with the Doctor, she says, "Then you know that I'll protect my involvement in this project. I'm sure Mister Saxon will be interested."

Suddenly, Lazarus gasps and pulls at his collar.

"What's going on?" she asks, concern filling every expression on her face, despite his earlier comments.

"It must just be," another spasm of pain wracks him, "ah!"

"What is it?"

"I'll be fine in a moment. It's probably just cramp." His back suddenly arches with a nasty cracking sound. He falls to the floor, tugging at his bow tie and writhing.

"Oh! Richard! Is it some sort of seizure? What should I do?" She starts to panic. "I don't understand what's happening! Richard?"

And suddenly, something very inhumane, something with a long neck and scales and sharp teeth, rears over the terrified woman, opens its large jaw, and lunges at her neck. And as her lifeless body falls to the ground, only a skeleton remaining, as the monster who attacks her morphs back into a man and walks off, barely looking at the body of his lover he has left behind him, the pictures around me fade to black.

I can only sit silently, trying to get my composure back after the horrifying scene before me. I have seen so many terrifying things in this universe during my travels with the Doctor, but nothing has ever hit me like this. This is my race, my people, and someone – this Mister Saxon – wants to make this cursed machine _commercially available. _I can't, and I won't, let it happen.

But I don't know exactly what has happened to Professor Richard Lazarus, and I need to, and urgently. I think back on the lesson on huon particles that the Doctor gave me, right at the beginning of our search.

_"Huon particles can be created in an inactive and active form. The active form is the one at the centre of this ship. The inactive form can be created by using a hydrogen base. This form is liquid, and can only be activated inside a living being."_

So that is why I was able to recognise the liquid pool in the centre of that machine as huon particles, even though they are different from my own. I had seen them before, when Donna was poisoned by them. That clearly means that the particles have become active in Lazarus. That much I could have guessed on my own. But why have they changed him in this way?

_Think, Izzy, think._

And then the Doctor's voice floats back through my mind.

"_…if the subject takes too much of the inactive form, they can die from poisoning, rendering them useless. It's all a question of balance."_

"Yes!" Suddenly, everything makes sense. For reasons I don't yet understand, Mister Saxon has implanted inactive huon particles in the heart of that weird contraption. When Lazarus stepped inside and started up the machine, the huon particles got into his DNA and changed its pattern, or rather, brought out a dormant pattern that was already there before. That's what huon particles do. But Mister Saxon got the huon particle dosage wrong. Rather than putting _too much _in the machine and killing Lazarus, he put _too little _in and left him fluctuating between man and beast. And that was what he wanted. No one would go in that machine if the first person walked out as a monster. But the clever thing is that he _looks _human and healthy and, most importantly, rejuvenated, and now _everyone_ wants to step inside.

My skin begins to crawl. I know I have to warn the Doctor, but there is no way I can contact him from here. But a quick scan of his whereabouts with the Time Vortex reassures me that he already knows and he's already trying to stop Lazarus from causing any more harm.

_Mister Saxon wants to convert the whole human race into flesh eating monsters, but I will not let him. And neither will the Doctor._

And I rest my projection back against the central console and sigh with relief. If the Doctor already knows, then there is nothing more I need to do.

But there is something nagging at my mind. Obviously, this is not the first time that we've encountered huon particles recently. I knew there must be link between the different appearances, there _has _to be, but I could never see it. But now I know that Mister Saxon is involved, and that his plan here was to destroy the human race, maybe things will start to make sense.

I sink back into the heart of the tardis, close my eyes, and surrender my thoughts to the past.

There was the Racnoss first. I can see our fight clearly in my mind.

_"Tell me where you got them from!"_

That's me, growling at the Empress.

_"Not from _where. _But _whom."

That's her reply.

I open my eyes. Was she talking about Mister Saxon? What if she were? Was this mystery man behind the plot to drug Donna, awaken the huon particles using her body, and awaken the Racnoss at the centre of the earth, destroying humanity?

Now I'm thinking of the Royal Hope Hotel. The Doctor was so certain he would find huon particles there. What was it he said?

_"If you had access to Huon particles, and you were trying to activate them in as many humans as you could, you would want to find a place where it would be possible to insert the inactive particles into liquid as easily and as often as you could. Furthermore, if you got the balance wrong, you would need a place where it wouldn't be suspicious for people to die." _

_ "The hospital!" _

But, all he found in that hospital was a human girl called Martha Jones and a plasmavore. No huon particles, no Mister Saxon, nothing. But another memory announces its presence in my mind.

_"But the fact that they found traces of Time Lord DNA on Martha's face suspicious, and that they weren't specifically looking for a Plasmavore, shows me that, this time, they really had no idea who they were searching for."_

_"You think there was something else happening there, and the Plasmavore was a diversion for the Judoon?"_

_"I guess we'll never know. Just glad the humans there seem to be safe now."_

"FINALLY!" And in that sudden moment, everything makes sense. I shoot my fist into the air in triumph, grinning widely. Finally, everything fits together.

For some reason I have yet to understand, Mister Saxon wants to harm the human race. When he discovered the Racnoss at the centre of the earth, or when they contacted him – which way round I do not know – he gave them the huon particles to active inside a human so that they could use their power to awaken their race. But the Doctor and I got in their way and the Empress and her children were forced to flee from this planet.

But Mister Saxon would not give up, and this time, he decided to use his weapons, his huon particles, directly against his enemy. Sneaking into a busy London hospital, he injected the particles into the patients, figuring out the correct dosage to give for his next project, killing innocent humans in his wake. But he was interrupted when the Judoon caught wind of suspicious activity there and somehow managed to flee the scene, leaving a plasmavore to explain away the events that had sent the Judoon there in the first place.

But he still got the information he set out to find. Now he knows exactly what dosage will leave a human fluctuating between two different forms. Now he's trying to convert humanity by using this machine, tricking people into converting themselves without him having to do it directly. And he located Lazarus, trembling during the war in Southwark Cathedral, and somehow conditioned this boy over the years to grow up to take on this project. How, I do not know – yet.

More than ever, I want to know who this Mister Saxon is, and why he has so much against my people. And why the universe knows nothing about him. But now, everything rests in the hands of the Doctor. Imprisoned in here as I am, there is nothing I can do to aid him. As much as it kills me.

And still, Jack's warning makes no sense to me...

It seems like an eternity passes before Martha and the Doctor step back into the Tardis again. Martha wonders off down one of my long corridors, looking for the bathroom, and when she is finally out of earshot, the Doctor turns to look at me.

"Before you say anything," I say, before he can open his mouth, "I know what happened with Lazarus. I know what he is, and what it means. Just tell me, did you finish it?"

He looks at me with a shocked expression, then slowly nods. "Yes. But how…?"

"Oh thank god!" I say weakly, sinking my projection down onto the steps in the corner of the control room. "Thank you, Doctor. I couldn't bare it if that was the way my people ended up."

He sits down next to me, gently. "Izzy, as long as I'm here, you never have to worry about your people. I will _never _let anything harm them."

"Thank you." I smile weakly. "How did you do it?"

"Oh," he says, stretching back in his seat, "you know? A bit of this, a bit of that. Southwalk Cathedral has great acoustics, did you know that?"

"Doctor! Tell me!"

He grins. "Later. First, tell me how you knew."

"I watched you. Through the Time Vortex."

"You were spying on me?"

"No!"

"Izzy?"

"Well…..maybe!" I laugh. "But it was for your own good. And at least we both know about Mister Saxon now. Saves you explaining everything to me."

"Woah, woah, back up! Mister Saxon? Who is this Mister Saxon?"

I look at him incredulously. "You mean, you don't know?"

"Well, Izzy, I think that is evident."

"Well, well, the human girl knows more than the Time Lord!"

"Izzy, I'm warning you…" But there is a twinkle in his eye.

"Ok, ok! I'll tell you." And I do, I tell him everything I learned, what I think I've pieced together, and what I think that means for us. While I talk, he gets up and paces the room. When I've finished, he continues pacing thoughtfully for a while.

In time, he turns to face me again. "We have to do something, Izzy. This is bad. This is very very bad."

"I know."

"Maybe we should…"

But at that moment, Martha enters the room, furiously jabbing at the buttons on her phone. "Doctor, any chance of getting signal in space?" she laughs.

He gives me a look, making me very aware that our conversation is not over, before turning his attention to Martha's phone and zapping it with his sonic screwdriver.

"Right, there you go. Universal roaming. Never have to worry about a signal again."

She stares at the phone, mouth open. "No way. This is too mad. You're telling me I can phone anyone, anywhere in space and time on my mobile?"

"As long as you know the area code. Frequent flier's privilege. Go on, try it."

But suddenly, the tardis begins to shudder. The Doctor's eyes flick to mine, and his next words are directed at me.

"Distress signal. Locking on. Might be a bit of…"

But the force of the trembling knocks them both onto the floor, while my projection zaps into the air to avoid slipping through solid flesh. But the Doctor continues to stare at me, and even though he couldn't say it fully and cannot finish his sentence because of Martha, I know what message lies between his words.

_"Distress signal. Locking on. Might be a bit of a problem trying to detach ourselves now, so I think we have no choice but to go where the signal is taking us. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it's linked to Mister Saxon."_

But when the trembling ceases, the Doctor simply says, "…turbulence." But I nod at him, and he knows that I understand.

"I want to come with you," I say, materialising next to him. Even though I know that I cannot.

"Sorry," he says, as if he were still talking about the turbulence, but I sense the sympathy underneath. "Come on, Martha. Let's take a look."

"Be safe, Doctor," I call after him as my doors close. I know the routine by now. He goes out and investigates, and I must always wait for him here.

_As long as the universe is willing to keep us alive._


	22. Chapter 21: 42

I have no idea where the distress signal has taken me. Using the screen that is positioned on the side of the central console, I can see that I'm in a small enclosed space with airlocked doors, which means that I must be on some kind of ship, but that doesn't really narrow it down. After all, there are many ships like this in the universe; I could be anywhere.

I wonder if Mister Saxon is out there somewhere. If he really _was _the one who released the distress signal, bringing my ship and its cargo of people to his doorstep. But somehow, that seems too easy. The Doctor told me that Lazarus had died in Southwark Cathedral and in the hours leading up to his death, he had no time to alert anyone that there was a Time Lord present. And that's if he _had _realised who and what the Doctor was. Would Mister Saxon have been able to figure the Doctor out so quickly? The thing is, I know nothing about Mister Saxon. Maybe he _had _figured us out already. And that scares me more than I care to admit.

I don't even want to use the Time Vortex to keep an eye on the Doctor this time. It is enough for me to know that he is still alive. For I know he is. If the Doctor is ever close to regenerating, I am always the first one to know.

I spend the next few hours worrying away in the heart of the Tardis. I have no idea what is happening, and somehow I don't _want _to know what is happening, which leaves me with a strong feeling of uncertainty and, no matter how I try to distract my thoughts, I cannot. For a few minutes, it feels like something is wrong, and I start to panic, but within a few minutes, it's gone and I start to think I may have just imagined it. When I see the Doctor finally enter the Tardis, I directly materialise next to him.

"Izzy, so good to see you!" he greets me, smiling brightly.

"Doctor," I reply, grinning back at him. We don't have to speak for him to know that I was worried about him and that I'm so glad to see him back here, safe. Just as I already know that something is troubling him behind that bright smile of his.

I look around before asking, gently, "Where is Martha?"

"Oh, she's just saying her goodbye's to Riley out there," he replies, gesturing to world behind my blue doors.

"Riley?"

"You don't want to know."

"Says who?"

"Says me."

"Right, Time Lord authority and all that."

He flashes a cheeky smile in my direction. "You're learning."

I start to laugh. "I missed you, Doctor."

His cheeky smile dissolves into a softer, gentler one. "And why would that be, Izzy? I wasn't gone for that long."

"When you leave the Tardis, especially this time when you thought that this Mister Saxon could be out there, and I'm the one left waiting, feeling so useless, even a minute can feel like a lifetime. I missed you, and I worried about you."

He gives me his special look, his soul-searching look, the one that is always so sad, yet so sorry. "I'm sorry, Izzy. You know that I wish you could come with me. And I'm here, I'm in one piece."

"Yes, but something is wrong."

He sighs, leaning his back against the walls of his ship. I can feel it, like he is leaning against me, and I wish I could put an arm around him. Just anything. Because he may be able to fool everyone else with that smile of his, but he can never fool me.

"I lost Martha."

"But, I thought she was out there with Riley?" I ask, confusion once again settling in my brain.

"She is. I found her again. But for a time, I lost her out there in space. She ended up in an escape pod which was then released." He runs his hand through his hair, and I sense his anger start to build. "She was drifting away from me and all I could do was stand by the window and watch her, screaming that I would save her, even though she couldn't hear me!"

I understand his sadness though. Just after losing Rose, he doesn't want to, he simply _can't, _deal with losing someone else again so soon. And Rose wasn't even the first. 900 years of travelling with him and there are many companions that left him in circumstances which left him numb. I always wonder how many more people he has to lose before at least one of his hearts breaks and he is left scarred forever.

"But you _did _save her, Doctor. I don't even need you to tell me how you did it, because that's not even important. You saved her and she is outside the Tardis doors right now, and that is the important bit. Nothing else matters, yeah?"

"Yeah," he says, smiling weakly. "Thank you, Izzy."

But I know that something is still troubling him. Something he won't tell me about.

"Maybe I should…" he continues, but suddenly, my doors start to crack open.

"Quickly, Doctor, before Martha's here, was this place to do with Mister Saxon?" I interrupt quickly. But he only has time to shake his head at me before Martha enters the room, and I materialise to the side of the ship so that I am not in the way. I just watch him, concerned, wondering what he won't share with me.

"So. Didn't really need you in the end, did we?"

The Doctor looks down at his feet, and my concern for him rockets.

"What is she talking about?" I question him, but he doesn't answer either of us.

"Sorry," Martha says, realising that she crossed some line that I wasn't even aware existed. "How are you doing?"

"Doctor? Why's she asking you that? What happened?" I plead. "Doctor?"

But again, he doesn't say anything, just continues to study the floor of the ship. Then, suddenly, he looks up, changing the subject in a way that only he knows how.

"Now, what do you say? Ice-skating on the mineral lakes of Kur-ha. Fancy it?"

"Whatever you say," Martha says, and now I know that something is wrong. Martha always wants an input in our destinations, but now she's letting him decide. Something happened, I know it, and I wish I knew what.

"By the way, you'll be needing this," says the Doctor, and I watch with disbelief as he pulls out a Tardis key hanging on a delicate chain and places it in her hands. The key is not just a key to a ship. It's the key to my heart.

I remember back from my days as a physical human girl, 900 years ago, when everyone was talking about how there are keys to the door of your heart and how you are in charge of who you trust with them. Everyone always said to be careful who you trust those keys to, who you allow to unlock those doors around your heart. Back then, that was something that I never really listened to. After all, I was – am - just a teenage girl and the last thing I was worried about was deep, meaningful sayings on love. But since I became this box, those sayings became my reality. My heart is in this box. The heart of the box is me. I allow people to enter because, really, I have no say in that, right from the beginning. But giving those keys away is something different. Like they always said, you should be careful who you trust with them. And normally it's just a metaphorical key, which means who receives one is down to you and you alone. But mine are real. And I hate it, more than anything, when the Doctor gives them away without even consulting me first. I guess that's why I made the heart of the Tardis my place of sanctuary. The doors to my heart are out of my control now, so I needed a second one, a secure one. For me and only me.

Martha stares at the key with a look of disbelief that mirrors my own, only for very different reasons. "Really?"

"Frequent flier's privilege. Thank you."

_Thank you?_

_What did she do to deserve that? _

"Oh no, Mum", Martha exclaims, and begins frantically punching numbers into her phone. I materialise directly next to the Doctor. Because I need answers, and I need them now.

"What happened, Doctor?"

"It's not important," he whispers back at me.

"Don't you dare tell me that it's not important, because clearly it is, because you gave her a key without even asking me, and you don't ever do that when it's not important."

"Ok, Izzy. Ok. Basically…the easiest way to put it is…in the simplest of words…"

"Please, just tell me. It's _me._" I look deep into his eyes. "You can tell me everything, you know that."

"She saved my life."

I open my mouth in shock but before I can say anything, he whispers frantically back at me, "No, no, Izzy, it's ok. It was nothing serious. The sun just got into my head. But I knew how to fix it, I told Martha what to do, and she did it, and here I am, in one piece, so everything is fine, ok?"

"_The sun just got into your head! _And you think that that's _fine? _Doctor, you almost dying and regenerating again is _always _something serious! Why didn't you tell me?!"

"I didn't want to worry you," he whispers back into my ear.

"I was already worried. Knowing wouldn't have made any difference."

"Yes, it would have done. It would have made a lot of difference to me. You worry about me a lot, Izzy, I know it. I can see it in your eyes. And I'm fine, so I didn't need to tell you. But Martha _did _save me. And for that reason, I trust her with a key. Is that ok?"

I look over at Martha, who is still on the phone with her mum. Then I look back at the Doctor. "That's ok."

Relief is written all over his face. "Thank you, Izzy," he says, for the second time since he returned.

We both continue to watch Martha. But the more I watch her, the more I get the feeling that something is wrong there too.

"Who did she say she was talking to?" I ask, not taking my eyes off Martha.

"Her mum. Why?"

"Because something just feels wrong." Since that call started, it feels like there is a new frequency around us, something that is trying to find us. And because, after 900 years of travelling in time and space I learned to trust my instinct, I reach for the Time Vortex button.

"Izzy," he hisses after me, hoping that Martha can't hear him. "What are you doing?"

"I need to see the other end of this conversation. Maybe I'm wrong. But maybe, just maybe, I'm right."

He doesn't respond, so I let myself enter the world of the Time Vortex, and the swirling screens prepare to answer my request.

"Show me Martha Jones's mum," I ask, realising properly for the first time that I don't even know her name. The screens begin to morph into a new image and, as it slowly appears, I can see Martha's mum. The Time Vortex helpfully labels her as Francine Jones for a brief moment, before letting the words vanish away, and, despite the situation, I have to smile. The Time Vortex is also a part of me, ever since it absorbed me, and every now and then, it feels the need to show me that it knows me more than I care to admit with little stunts like that.

Francine is sitting in some kind of living room and, when I take a 360 scan of the area, I can tell that it's her own from the pictures of Martha, Tish and a boy who I presume is their brother that are proudly displayed around the room. Francine is sitting at a table, another blonde haired woman sits near to her, and two men in black stand silently by.

The blonde woman takes out two ear-phones, through which I guess she was listening to Martha's voice. Silently, she holds out an evidence bag, and Francine drops her phone into it.

"That's all?" she asks the blonde woman, and she doesn't seem to be scared or anything, which was not what I expected. It's almost like she's somehow glad that the woman was listening in to her conversation with her daughter.

"For now," replies the blonde woman. "Have you voted?"

"Of course. Just don't expect me to tell you who for."

"Thanks for everything you're doing, Mrs Jones. Mister Saxon will be very grateful."

I stare in shock. What on earth does this Mister Saxon want with Francine Jones? How would he know who Martha is? Seconds later, I realise that of course he knows who Martha is. Because Tish worked for Professor Richard Lazarus, and he must have pieced her and Martha together. But that doesn't explain why he wants Francine Jones's phone.

Then I curse my stupidity. I remember what the Doctor did to Martha's phone, only this morning. The thing that allowed her to call her mother in the first place.

_"Right, there you go. Universal roaming. Never have to worry about a signal again."_

I zoom in closer to the phone in the bag, praying that I'm wrong. But I'm not. The green light on the side of the phone shows me that, already, Mister Saxon, or whoever are working for him, are tracking Martha down through the phone conversation.

As quickly as I can, I leave the pictures of the Time Vortex behind and materialise into the console room. I don't even care that the Doctor and Martha are deep in conversation. I will interrupt them, even though Martha will have no idea what's going on.

"Doctor, we have to move! Now! And you have to take the universal roaming off Martha's phone. But now, MOVE!"

And already, I start up my engines, even though the Doctor and I have an agreement where I only start up the engines when his hands are on the console, to keep up the appearance that he is the one causing it to happen. I can't fly without the Doctor guiding me, at least, I can but not very well and only really for short distance flights, but I can start the engines on my own.

"Doctor, help me!" I yell in panic.

"Doctor, what's happening? Did the engines just start themselves?" Martha asks as he runs over to the console and puts his hands on it.

"No, no, of course not. It's just a pre-flight plan. Something I made earlier. Just forgot about it, that's all. I forgot where I told it to go!" He laughs, but I know that this is his way of asking me where he's guiding me to.

"It doesn't matter, Doctor. It doesn't matter! Just anywhere but here. And turn universal roaming _off _her phone!"

"I can't, Izzy. I can't. It's a one way process," he hisses back at me.

"Well, isn't that just _great!" _I reply sarcastically, even though I'm focusing hard on flying this box away from here.

"What's going on?" Martha is standing in the corner of the box with a worried look on her face. "What are you doing?"

The Doctor looks over at me, and I know that he is now asking that question of me.

"I saw where Francine was and she was not alone. Mister Saxon wanted to track the signal through that phone call, through the universal signal that you gave to Martha. He got what he wanted _and Mister Saxon, or at least people who work for him, are on their way now!"_

The Doctor looks at me, realisation finally setting in.

"Doctor?" Martha asks again, and he finally turns his attention to her.

"Don't worry. It's ok. We just have to get away from here quickly."

"But why?"

"It's the sun," he improvises without skipping a beat. "All that energy plays havoc with the Tardis."

"But everything's ok?"

"Yes, Martha. Everything is always ok."

And even while he's rushing around the central console, he gives me a concerned look, and I know what he's thinking.

_As long as the universe is willing to keep us alive._


End file.
